A very not-so-serious conversation about DOGE

Scene: Mar-a-Lago, private dining room. Gold walls. Gold plates. Ketchup stains. Elon Musk enters with the cautious enthusiasm of a man trying to return a flamethrower to IKEA. He’s inexplicably carrying a chainsaw.

TRUMP: Elon! My favorite African-American. Sit down. We need to talk. You’ve betrayed us.

ELON (casually placing the chainsaw on the table): I brought this in case things got tense. Like at CPAC. Real symbolic.

TRUMP (squinting): Symbolic of what?

ELON (shrugs): Cutting ties. Or maybe just cutting. Honestly, I was vibing on four hours of sleep and a Red Bull the size of Mars.

TRUMP: That’s called leadership. The chainsaw was a bold move. I usually just throw ketchup. Ask the help.

ELON (grinning): I remember. Speaking of the help, I loved your Easter message this year. The way you managed to crucify half the population without saying “Jesus” once? Art.

TRUMP (modestly): I know. It had rage, it had capital letters, it had vengeance… very Old Testament. Jared helped with the spelling.

ELON: And ending it with “Happy Resurrection!” in Comic Sans? Ballsy.

TRUMP: They said it was heretical. I said it was branding.

ELON: You’ve got the evangelical market cornered. I’m still trying to figure out how to sell Teslas to people who think electricity is witchcraft.

TRUMP: Easy. Call it “God’s Lightning.” Throw in a flag. Maybe a cross that charges wirelessly.

ELON (laughs, then quickly turns serious): But really—we need to talk about manufacturing. I’m thrilled. You’re forcing companies back to America. That’s huge for me.

TRUMP (suspicious): Why?

ELON (giddy): Because I’m sitting on a warehouse full of worker robots! No benefits, no lunch breaks, no HR complaints—just nonstop bolting and welding.

TRUMP: Like the Chinese, but with firmware.

ELON (nodding excitedly): Exactly! And once you abolish labor unions—

TRUMP: —already working on it.

ELON: —I can flood every rust belt factory with silicon torsos. It’s the American dream, minus the Americans.

TRUMP: That’s so MAGA.

ELON (wistful): Maybe we’ll get AI to write country songs next. “My truck left me, but my drone came back.”

TRUMP (squinting at chainsaw): Can your robots use one of those?

ELON: Only in Texas. It’s a pilot program.

TRUMP: Speaking of Texas… Vance. Did you hear about the Pope?

ELON: Yeah. Sad.

TRUMP (leans in): Between us, I think J.D. hastened it. The Pope met him once—next day, the man was never the same. Started twitching when he heard the word “Ohio.”

ELON (genuinely disturbed): Jesus.

TRUMP: Exactly. And yet, still endorsed me.

ELON: You’re inevitable. Like autocorrect. Or climate change.

TRUMP: Or hair loss. Which I beat.

ELON (raising eyebrows): That’s… one interpretation.

TRUMP: Look, we’re getting off topic. The coin, Elon. DOGE. You ghosted it. One tweet, that’s all I’m asking.

ELON (sighs): “DOGE to Mars.” Rocket emoji. Chainsaw emoji for the true believers.

TRUMP: That’s the spirit. And maybe we put the DOGE logo on the moon. Or replace the Lincoln Memorial with a Shiba Inu.

ELON: Or both. I’ll get the rocket ready. Just tell the IRS to stop calling me.

TRUMP (already tweeting): Done. And Elon?

ELON: Yeah?

TRUMP: Let’s do this again next quarter. Maybe something with bananas and gold-backed NFTs.

ELON (standing to leave): Always a pleasure.

TRUMP: Oh—one last thing.

ELON (freezes mid-step): Here we go.

TRUMP (dead serious): I’m renaming the Panama Canal.

ELON (blinks): To what?

TRUMP: The Trump Passage.

ELON: That’s… not geographically accurate.

TRUMP: It’s historically accurate. I made America flow again.

ELON (muttering): That’s not even a thing.

TRUMP: It will be. I’m having Jared talk to the Panamanians. They owe us for letting cargo through. Freedom tolls. Also maybe a big gold “T” on the locks. Classy. Iconic. Confusing to birds.

ELON (shaking head): I don’t know if you’re joking.

TRUMP: That’s why I win.

Curtain closes. Somewhere, a single Shiba Inu barks into the void and starts filing for dual citizenship.