A Roast Dinner With My In-Laws

I invited my new in-laws out for a roast dinner at a fancy restaurant. My new wife had to work an evening shift at the hospital so she wasn’t able to join us. I was a little nervous to be alone with my in-laws but I wanted to ask them questions to get to know them a bit better. The first thing I thought to ask was, “How smoothly did everything go on your wedding night from what you remember?”

My father-in-laws response was, “too smoothly, we both had violent diarrhea from some bad food at the wedding reception.”

“Oh, that sounds awful. I’m so sorry that happened.”

“I was just kidding.”

“Oh, gullible me! Hey, speaking of things that kill the mood… Do you have any advice on how to get rid of random leg cramps during sex without killing the mood altogether?”

My mother-in-law almost choked on her sip of wine that she was about to swallow.

“Sorry, I guess that’s personal, huh?”

She set her wine glass down. “Soap.”

“Excuse me?”

“A dry bar of soap rubbed on the cramp area works.”

“Huh! That’s interesting… and seems clean too. I never would have guessed that.”

She smiled. “It seems to work well.”

“I’ll be sure to try it soon and let you know if it works for me. Since Christmas is coming up, how would you feel about me getting an ugly Christmas sweater to match yours?”

My mother-in-law looked down at her sweater. “You mean you want to match me? Aww…”

“Oh, that reminds me. What bra size do you typically wear or do you prefer not to wear one? Your daughter has some unique habits I noticed over the last couple week. Also, I had this misconception that women always wore matching underwear but boy was I wrong!”

“Oh, let’s just say I have to get my bras custom made. Does that answer your question?”

“Kinda.” I looked over at my father-in-law. “Were you made fun of for having man boobs or are those more recently developed?”

With a goofy grin on his face, he replied with, “Well, they say the longer you’re married the more you start looking like your spouse.”

“That’s true, maybe. We’ll see I guess. But do you feel as old as you look?”

My father-in-law blinked. “I don’t know. How old do you think we look? Actually, don’t answer that.”

"Okay, but it's never too early to being thinking about dentures and possible nursing homes, right?"

"I already have dentures." My father-in-law grinned and winked.

"Oh, wow. Those look so real!"

"Just kidding… again!"

"Oh! Ha! But that does remind me, which animals are now extinct that weren’t when you were a kid? Mammoths?"

My mother-in-law laughed. "One time, I did a research paper on mammoths back in college but those were back in the days when we had to write on stone tablets and all my research was obtained from talking to the cavemen. Oh, and that's how I met him!" She nodded to her husband.

He started scratching his neck and made an apish-looking expression on his face. "Those were the good old days. I bet ya I can still do a hot fire dance for you, honey! Would you like that?"

"Oh, goodness!" She took another gulp of wine and blushed.

"Not to change the subject, but I've been thinking about Botox treatments lately."

"Your face looked alright to me, why are you thinking about getting Botox treatments done?" My father-in-law questioned.

"It's not for me. It would be for your daughter. And she's the one who brought it up. She told me not to tell you guys about it because she wanted Botox done as a Christmas present.”

“Well, that sounds like a funny Christmas present.” My mother-in-law attempted to raise her eyebrows but they were already raised. “I had a bad experience with it once. But it was not a Christmas present. It was a just-because-present.”

“Was it done by cavemen?” I asked.

She laughed. “I wish. They could have done better. Let’s just say my eyebrows are considerably consistent!”

“Now that you mention it, they do seem frozen in a way.”

“When was your last Botox treatment?”

“I don’t remember the exact date. Oh, honey, wasn’t it the same day that you got circumcised?” She looked at her husband.

“Oh yeah, that’s right! We made a date of it. Botox for you and me losing some skin. Then we went out to see one of the Jurassic Park movies, right?”

“Sure was a one-of-a-kind-kind-of-date!” She took a bite of her roast and potatoes. “I’m just glad they didn’t mess up your surgery like they did mine! That would have been rough to recover from!”

I grimaced. “I don’t remember my circumcision.”

“Why, did they have to put you to sleep?” My father-in-law asked quickly.

“No, I was eight days old.”

“Ahh. Jewish decent?”

His wife answered before I could. “He’s not Jewish. Jews don’t eat beef!”

“You mean pork?” He rolled his eyes.

“I’m not Jewish at all. But my parents were obsessed with some of the Jewish customs so that’s why they made sure that I was snipped on the eight day. I do eat pork and most meats though, which is why I wanted to have roast tonight. Anyway, do you think your daughter and I will be a better parents than you guys were? I’m thinking that if I don’t get her the Botox treatment for Christmas, then maybe she’ll settle for trying to get pregnant.”

“So soon!” My mother-in-law squeaked.

“We talked and we want to be young parents that are still kind of hipster still.”

“Yeah, but the cost!” My father-in-law exclaimed.

“Speaking of cost…” I motioned for the waitress to bring the check. “Well, you’re right kids are expensive but you guys deserve to be grandparents, especially before you completely fall apart and need walkers to get around. If you think we should save some money, then do you mind covering the check tonight? It really has been great getting to know one another better tonight. Oh, and what do you think about the current state of politics lately?”