A Day in the Life of a Severly Normal Working Mom

Things you may need to know, the child I am writing about is in French immersion. I took only introductory french 20 years ago so my skills are .... rusty is such an understatement how about... non existent. So as a result here is the story of doing homework with my son....

The report that should have been handed into my son’s teacher

How to help your child with french immersion homework:

1. Have debate in parking lot with other parents about whether this instrument should be made or just thought about. Pence vs. faire

2. Go home reread instructions; decide that university introductory French is wholly inadequate.

3. Discuss with son; he is pumped about making a flute; decide Pence/Faire who cares, it will be fun.

4. Call Ducks Unlimited, Alberta Stewardship Network and NSWA to discuss vague memories of parents/grandparents lovingly crafting wooden flutes and other homemade instruments.

5. Search back yard; discover no willow trees.

6. Trek to Millcreek ravine and cruise timber for adequate tree.

7. Note landmarks and return home for van and son.

8. Return to Millcreek ravine armed with two small sons and a kitchen knife, ( a saw is too large to hide in my coat).

9. Discover ginsu is a fraud.

10. Skid out 3 fair size branches from ravine.

11. Stuff branches into mini van, race home obeying all traffic laws

12. Be overwhelmed by guilt for illegally cutting branches off willow tree in public park.

13. Call the urban forester for the city of Edmonton. Was reassured - while not encouraged - mothers working on homework projects would not be prosecuted for pruning willows in the ravine, with ginsu knives.

14. Write to Ronco tell them their knife sucks.

15. Soak willow branches in warm water to try and make them think it is spring so bark can be slipped off.

16. Allow 3 or 4 days to pass.

17. Time to check if spring has sprung.

18. Branches look promising; there is moisture in the wood

19. Cut a number of branches to appropriate length.

20. Begin carving mouth-piece with Husquavarna knife.

21. Husqvarna makes an excellent knife.

22. Wood seems dry, but slipping the bark will tell the tale.

23. Complete carving of mouth-piece and holes.

24. Hand son (whose project it is) butter knife and stick.

25. Show him how to bang bark.

26. Son bangs bark right off

27. Explain again that bark must be loosened not removed.

28. Use Husquvarna knife to show son.

29. Husquvarna makes an excellent knife. A Husquvarna knife should not be held by the blade even for demonstration purposes. No stitches or tetanus shots are required, but the band- aid does make it feel all better.

30. Turn injury into a wood working safety lesson.

31. Son cracks bark on second stick.

32. Attempt to loosen bark myself.

33. Discover the garden-variety willow is smarter than your average mom, and cannot be fooled into believing it is spring in October.

34. Run into Footner forests model forest former manager, listen with great interest as he suggests putting willow in deep freeze for a month to six weeks and then warm water indoors for another 4-6 weeks.

35. Explain the project is due in 5 days.

36. Footner forest manager suggests power tools.

37. Contemplate briefly the wisdom of introducing an 8 year old to power tools.

38. Debate with husband over the correct way to complete the project.

39. Husband wins battle and large hole is bored ¾ of the way through branch.

40. Small holes are drilled (with my assistance) through top edge.

41. Son & I drill mouth-piece hole.

42. I attempt to drill angled hole with son watching.

43. I win war. ??

44. Flute splits from top to bottom.

45. Discover that large hole should have been drilled last;

46. Admit defeat, and turn project over to husband and son.

RESULTING PROJECT

• Please note that Cole’s chime plays a perfectly pitched C major scale (husband is German and a retired professional musician)

• It takes approximately 7 feet of copper pipe to create 2 feet of perfectly pitched chimes.

• 15 copper rings can be created from efforts to create a perfectly pitched chimes

• Cole has now cut enough pipe to qualify as a plumbers apprentice.

• Fortunately for Cole we were out of Brasso and Sobeys was closed so the chimes did not get polished,

• Please note that German husband has an issue with you giving Cole 100% for unpolished chimes.

• I thank you - The poor kid had suffered enough at that point, and then was forced to try to learn percussion theory, which he failed to grasp.