A Career Writing Objective Exceeded Times Two

Many of my reader(s) know that in my long career in various research microbiology roles there had been one career goal I had consistently failed to achieve. Since my earliest days of graduate school I had longed to contribute an original joke to the pantheon of classics that make up the niche oeuvre comprised of jokes about microbiology. In October of 2019 I finally stumbled upon one, and it was a beauty. Simple, elegant, funny, but only to a select group of fellow nerds, and best of all I could not find, nor have I yet, found a record of it having been thought of (or at least written down) previously. That joke has rapidly ascended to become an all time classic and is below.

What do they call pathogenic Listeria in Mexico?

El. monocytogenes

While I was elated at finally having met my goal I was also deflated at the thought that I might never again strike such a rich vein of microbiological comedy gold. However, I vowed on that day or some day thereafter or perhaps only six months or so ago that I would redouble my efforts and renew my quest and attempt to invent yet another original microbiology- themed joke. For almost four years, or slightly less then that, my heart sank a little more each day, then rose the next, then sank again, then rose, then sank, etc. and so on as day after day after day wore on and on an on until I thought I had reached the six hundred word count minimum required to make a random string of words suddenly, magically coalesce into a publishable story, but then realized that sadly I had not. Also, I never found even a hint of a pathway to a new joke or maybe I did and then forgot to write it down until just now. Who care really, the point is suddenly in the past month inspiration struck not once, but twice. And also, suddenly I was at six hundred words. Phew. In any case, I am extremely excited and proud to present today what I believe are two brand new original microbiology themed jokes to add to the rich pantheon described so poorly above. And so without further ado, but with further words that are really nothing more then filler and serve no real purpose other than to delay and perhaps further annoy you the reader, the soon to be classics are below.

Why did they send the fungus to the insane asylum?

It was filamental

Sorry. I had to take a little break there as I laughed so hard I spit my Mountain Dew out all over my computer screen. Fortunately the highly acidic Dew does not chew through electronics as quickly as it does through stomachs. If that wasn't good enough for you here comes number 2 or number 3 I guess.

What do you call an amoeba foot doctor?

A pseudopodiatrist

Hah! Nice right? If you are a protozoologist you are cracking up right now. And hi Tim. How are ya buddy? I know it is awful lonely being the only protozoologist in the world but know that all of us other microbiologists really admire your work. And I say that with genuine sincerity and not a hint of irony or sarcasm.

By the way I did almost zero research to confirm the two "new" jokes are actually new as claimed. If you have evidence to the contrary please post it in the comments below or just keep it to yourself and let me have my moment. Thank you.