101 Reasons I Can’t Adult Today

Let’s just get one thing straight: I didn’t sign up for this.

I didn’t check a box marked “Yes, I would love to manage bills, cry into spreadsheets, and be emotionally crushed by Tupperware avalanches.” Yet, here I am. Adulting.

And by “adulting,” I mean dramatically sighing into the void while pretending to care about my inbox.

Welcome to the ultimate list of reasons why I simply cannot, will not, and do not plan to function today. Or tomorrow. Or ever, honestly. These are real-life, totally valid excuses pulled directly from my brain—because if I have to suffer, at least it can be funny.

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Reason #1: I ran out of clean underwear and the will to care.

There comes a point where laundry becomes a mountain too high to climb.

So now I’m free—pantsless and emotionally liberated. If you see me wearing swimsuit bottoms and a hoodie, mind your business.

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Reason #2: My coffee betrayed me. It’s decaf.

I was sipping hope. Turned out it was warm disappointment.

Why does decaf exist? For who? FOR WHO, I ASK?

If I wanted to feel tired and betrayed, I’d just go to a team meeting.

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Reason #3: There’s a spider in the bathroom and now I live in the kitchen.

It staked its claim. I respect that.

I’m not getting in a turf war with an eight-legged demon who probably pays zero rent but thinks it owns the place.

Tooth brushing is cancelled until further notice. So is my dignity.

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Reason #4: Existential dread scheduled a pop-in visit at 9 a.m.

I opened my laptop to check emails and instead opened the door to my inner abyss.

It whispered, “What’s the point of all this?”

And honestly? Fair question. I went back to bed and binge-watched YouTube videos about alpacas. For healing.

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Reason #5: I made a budget. Then I cried. Then I bought snacks.

Nothing says “fiscal responsibility” like spending £24 on cheese, therapy-shaped chocolate, and blind hope.

I’m not bad with money—I’m emotionally investing in coping mechanisms.

(And also, cheese is a tax write-off if you squint.)

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Reason #6: I tried to meal prep. Now I’m just staring at a bunch of containers like they owe me money.

Meal prepping is supposed to be empowering, but now I’m convinced it’s just a trap set by Tupperware. I thought I had control. But instead, I have sad salad.

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Reason #7: I checked my email. Now I need a nap and a support group.

There’s nothing like the sweet joy of hitting “refresh” on an inbox that’s somehow multiplied while I was not looking. How does that happen? What even is an inbox??

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Reason #8: I opened a window. Now I’m cold, annoyed, and have zero clue what I was doing.

It’s like the wind was a reminder that I have no business being outside or making decisions. I closed the window and now just need to lie down.

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Reason #9: I told myself I’d exercise. So now I’m lying on the floor instead. Progress, right?

If there were an Olympic event for procrastinating in workout gear, I’d take home the gold. This “movement” is best done with snacks.

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Reason #10: My phone died. I now live in the stone age.

Who needs a charger when I can just stare at the small, blank screen of existential despair? What did we do before smartphones? Were we just… fine?

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Reason #11: I tried to make a to-do list. Now I’m overwhelmed by how many things I definitely won’t do.

I used to think to-do lists were motivational. But now they’re just a written reminder that I will never, ever be productive again.

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Reason #12: I saw someone running outside. I closed the blinds and ate chips.

If this person has the energy to exercise outside, I feel like I need a snack to recover from the emotional whiplash. And that’s where I’ll be—on the couch.

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Reason #13: I thought about going to the grocery store. But then I thought about the lines. And the checkout. And the fact that I don’t even know what I need.

I can’t be expected to make these decisions. It’s the 21st century. Grocery delivery exists for a reason, and I’m doing my part by staying on the couch.

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Reason #14: I ordered takeout. And then I realized it’s the third time this week. So now I’m disappointed in myself, but also in my oven.

We’ve been over this—I’m trying to be better. But I’m not going to lie to myself again: my oven’s never going to be my friend. The food delivery apps are my true family now.

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Reason #15: I went outside to get the mail. Now I need therapy.

I came back from my brief, heroic walk only to be emotionally assaulted by the bills waiting for me. Mail is just a constant reminder that life is a series of payments, and I’m losing.

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Reason #16: I looked in the mirror and saw my to-do list. I immediately avoided both.

The reflection staring back at me was not a person who could accomplish any tasks today. It was someone who needs a nap, possibly followed by a few hours of “not being productive at all.”

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Reason #17-46: Your Turn—What’s Stopping You from Adulting Today?

Now, I could keep listing reasons for why I’m not functioning like a well-oiled adult machine, but honestly, I’ve hit my limit—and let’s be real, so have you. So, I’m gonna throw it over to you.

What’s the real reason you can’t adult today? Let’s take a little poll:

• Did your bed turn into an irresistible black hole of comfort that’s absolutely not letting you go?

• Did a minor household chore turn into an overwhelming mental breakdown? (Laundry, I’m looking at you.)

• Are you avoiding a conversation with someone because your inner introvert is running a full marathon?

• Is your coffee cup somehow still empty, and now your brain has already shut down from lack of caffeine?

• Or maybe, just maybe, you Googled “How to survive adulthood” and are now planning to live as a hermit in a cave?

I want to know—what’s your personal reason for postponing responsibility today? Share your excuses with me (or, you know, just keep them to yourself and pretend you’re doing okay—no judgment). But seriously, if you’ve got a good one, I’m all ears. Drop it in the comments, or keep it as your secret… like that snack you’re hiding from the family. You do you.

Now, as we continue on, feel free to fill in the reasons for why you’re living in a self-imposed adulting-free zone. I’ll be here, pretending to make decisions and simultaneously questioning all of them.

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Reason #47: I opened a group chat. It was active. I closed it again.

Why are there 87 unread messages about brunch logistics and zero energy in my body to care?

Can’t we all just psychically vibe and meet in silence?

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Reason #59: My Wi-Fi blinked. So now I have no choice but to completely shut down emotionally.

Modern problems require instant panic.

I could troubleshoot… or I could lie on the floor and wonder if I’m the glitch.

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Reason #74: A friend said “just get up and do it.” So now I have to fake my own death.

Cool. Love the energy.

Next you’ll tell me to “stay positive” or “drink water.” Revolutionary advice from people who definitely own a planner and aren’t crying in the laundry basket.

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Reason #99: I started cleaning and found photos from 2009. Cue identity crisis.

Why did I think bangs were a good idea? Why was I posing like that?

Who is she, and is she okay?

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Reason #101: I am simply vibing with the chaos.

Sometimes you just gotta give in to the glorious disaster.

Pajamas all day. No tasks completed. Minimal effort.

Maximum snack consumption.

I didn’t fail at adulting today.

I simply chose to live on airplane mode—and that’s self-care.

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In Conclusion (or whatever):

If you’ve made it this far and nodded along, congratulations. You’re one of us.

The glittering trash pandas of adulthood. The snack-fueled warriors of barely-holding-it-together.

This list isn’t just excuses.

It’s a survival guide. A protest. A badge of honor for showing up in this chaotic, overpriced, overstimulated simulation we call life.

So go ahead. Don’t answer that call. Ignore the dishes. Wear mismatched socks.

Adulting can wait.

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