Zurai

She sat staring at the check; the edge peeking out of the notebook like the taunting tongue of a child. ‘He knew that would be the one I picked. “How?”, she mouthed quietly to herself as she shook her head. Well, no matter … She pushed herself up and headed to the shower; “I Am Grateful” she said aloud, and she was. Grateful for the opportunity to move forward; thanks to Nabode.

Zurai made her way to the bank and cashed the check, adding the much-needed funds to her account. To avoid thoughts about that night 5 years ago, she took some time to breathe. An enjoyable afternoon brunch, a walk through the park, and a car wash. Back home, she sat staring at the fish tank and her mind drifted back to that night …

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The night was breezy, but she needed it. Her heart was pounding; “What if something bad happens, what if he gets the instructions wrong? What if someone finds out? How am I going to pa …? She stopped; she had walked past her car by two blocks. She walked back, calming herself, as she made her way home. Once home, she showered and slid into bed. He never missed her, it seemed, or asked about her night out. Maybe because he knew this was her thing. He could at least act like he cared, she thought. At that moment, he reached over to spoon her.

The next week was a blur. Consumed with how and what would happen to her boyfriend, she went through the motions in a daze. It was late afternoon when she received ‘the call’; he had been found savagely beaten in a warehouse on the East side. That morning things seemed normal, she left for work as he got ready to do the same. Or so she thought; “I guess today would be the day then”. She gathered her things to leave and broke down crying uncontrollably. Yes, she wanted him gone but the thought of him being so badly hurt both saddened and scared her. Rushing to the hospital, it all became real; she was genuinely concerned. Concerned for the outcome of his injuries and consumed with thoughts about what she had done with the notebook. “I’m sure I burned it, I had to”, she said aloud as she drove. How could I have been too out of it to remember, she thought, as she parked and rushed through the emergency room door. “Excuse Me …”

He was indeed in bad shape, though nowhere near death ridden. He looked at her and tears began to fall. “I love you”, more than I have shown”, he said quietly and strained, “but less than you deserve. This accident made me realize the fault in how I have been treating you lately. Her head was spinning, she felt weak and leaned her knee against the bed rail. She touched his arm, “John, I should let you rest, I just wanted to come and, and check on you”. Feeling dizzy, she stood to leave. He grabbed her arm, “Zurai, you don’t need to return. I will not be coming back. I love you but I met someone else. I want someone else.”. She was standing there, mouth gaped, her head swimming, feeling lightheaded and thirsty. He grabbed for her hand. All she could do was look down at him and say Thank You, as she turned to leave.

That is the last thing she recalled as she woke up to bright lights wondering where she was. She slowly looked around and quickly realized she was in a hospital room. What in the world happened? She surveyed the room, looked down at her body, and almost instantaneously felt the pain. She felt around for the nurse’s button. The intercom chimed “Yes, Ms. Emerald, someone will be right in”. As the nurse began pressing buttons, and checking her vitals, Zurai, asked the question, she was not sure she wanted the answer to. Ma’am, why am I here? What happened? The nurse began to tell Zurai that she had passed out while visiting John. They ran tests and found that she was pregnant. Pregnant? Every word thereafter was drowned out by her own thoughts. I had no idea. Was it the wine, or the dancing? She thought. Complications, that word brought her attention back to the conversation. “I’m sorry, complications?” The nurse repeated that her vitals at the time she passed out showed some alarm and after further examination she had to undergo emergency surgery for an ectopic pregnancy which had left future child rearing questionable, at this time. Tears fell, she could not believe what she was hearing. As she just lies there staring past the nurse at the wall, the nurse tapped her hand gently saying, “I am sorry Ms. Emerald, I’ll be back later to check on you. Once the doctor can follow up with you, you should be able to be discharged”. Zurai could not say anything, she just stared at the wall. She cannot recall how long she stared at that spot before she fell asleep.

One Week Later

She packed his things and left them in the front room by the door, he had called to say his sister would be there to pick them up. She was doing okay since she got home last week from the hospital. Cleaning, rearranging, and finding peace in her alone time. Suddenly, her phone chimed, breaking news alert. She lifted the phone … “Dying …. Irreparable organ damage. What? This can’t be happening.” She could not have imagined something she set in motion had caused this bad Karma to find him. I had no idea he was sickly, he looked healthy, fine, and fit, she sighed and grabbed her notebook and purse, she needed to write. After all that had transpired in the past few weeks, she still had not been able to remember what she had done to the notebook. She was sure she had burned it in the fireplace, at least she thought she was. She shrugged as she sat down to write.

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Shaking her head, as if she could shake the thoughts away, she got up to get the notebook. Just a couple hours before therapy and she still had not completed the assignment. She stared at the ceiling, Sharpie pen in hand … (Sigh) where to begin, she breathed out heavily.

Dear Zurai,

I know you are still taunted by nightmares of your past. I cannot promise that those will go away. However, let me hold on to those memories for you. I can hold them so that you can go on to be all you are destined to be. Forgive yourself and Forgive those who hurt you. Do not worry about why it happened. Not now, not ever. Just know that I will hold the trauma for you. No longer will you have to accept reliving the pain through toxic relationships. You are a beautiful spirit! You are Worthy! It is time to release yourself of the conditioning you have endured and created for yourself. It is okay to say No! It is okay to say yes to yourself. Relax your mind and listen to your spirit. Heal … move in line with the vibrations of the Universe –

What now, she said as she got up to answer the doorbell. Her knees went weak as she looked through the peephole; Zurai could not believe her eyes. “Nabode!”