Your Relationship Rules Are Covering Your Big Problems

You might be using your relationship rules the wrong way.

And I'm guessing if you're reading this, you've got a sneaking suspicion I might be right.

Relationship rules are boundaries you and your partner put on your relationship. They're meant to help you know what you can and can't do with each other.

Though it kind of seems like a nag, the real intention of these rules is to stop you from killing each other and hurting each other all at the same time.

Some people love to establish rules as soon as the relationship begins. Or when it becomes official. Others like to let the rules progress over time. Each to their own.

But the problem is no one has told us how to build relationship rules.

We didn't go to school to learn how to have romantic relationships. We end up becoming fast and loose with rules, using them to help us cover up problematic issues between us rather than deal with them.

As you can tell, I've been there. My ex and I put together all these rules to avoid having tough conversations about life. And us. The both of them together.

Let my experience be a warning about putting relationship rules in place instead of working through your problems.

Don't cheat on each other

Some rules that seem like a given need conversation.

Some would say not cheating on each other is one of those given rules. I would have said that too, when I dated my ex the first time around.

But then I cheated on him and we broke up.

Not my finest hour by the way, and not something I'm proud of. Especially how public the whole event was and how everyone I knew, friends, family, and colleagues, found out before I told them. Not ideal.

As you can imagine, when we got back together, cheating was a point of contention. Instead of talking about how and why I cheated, or what had changed since we broke up and rekindled our romance, we put in this blanket no-cheating rule.

Don't cheat. Don't do it. Don't even think about going there.

Well, that didn't help either of us, really. I cheated on him again and he cheated on me when I was in the same room as him. With two girls, no less.

This rule we had in place was a mask for our issues. We thought using it would solve any desire to be unfaithful or addresses issues in the relationship that lead to both of us cheating.

It didn't.

Make time for a regularly scheduled date night

This one makes me laugh after watching The Big Bang Theory recently.

It was almost like the relationship agreement shared by Sheldon and Amy, whereby they have a regular date night.

It took me straight back to when my ex and I got back together. We decided every second Thursday night we would do something special.

I liked idea; I thought it helped create a routine and encourage us to be more romantic with each other. And stop putting other things in front of our relationship.

Of course, I felt like that, though. My ex wasn't into romance or dates or doing anything where it was the two of us.

Every event had to involve other people in some way. We had to eat dinner with his group of friends or his family. If we wanted to see a movie, it was always accompanied by a discussion of who we could invite along.

This rule didn't address the fundamental problem; why didn't he want to spend time alone with me? Why did it always have to include other people?

Sure this rule forced him to spend time with me. But in hindsight, forcing someone to do something they don't want to do never ends well.

If only I knew why we could have worked on it instead of imposing rigid rules.

One night a week alone

And it probably comes with zero surprise that every Monday my ex had to be alone. He needed the night to himself and I needed to respect that. He told me this had to be a relationship, a non-negotiable if I wanted to date him.

I didn't question this, something I've come to regret.

When someone uses this phrase when establishing rules, it often feels impolite to ask why. It's like we're getting too deep too early in the relationship and we don't want to spoil it.

But without the conversation, and the rule in place instead, I wondered during our whole relationship about Mondays. Was it me or him? Did he need time away from me? Or did he need time for himself?

I know a lot of people who have similar rules to this. Guys night. Spa nights. Restrictions on what their partner can do with them.

It's fine if those rules exist because both parties want and understand why they exist. Yet, if you're not willing to explain them, it's a rule that's bound to upset the relationship eventually.

Be by each other's side

I add this rule to my list of given relationship rules I don't think you need to state or declare. But many couples put this in place and make hard and fast rules to make sure it happens.

My ex and I decided this was one of many we should use when we got back together, too. And again, it was one that I insisted on more than him.

Again, I'm not sure if it was me or him, but getting my ex to show up for me was hard the first time around.

He didn't like going to meet my friends or coming to parties with the people in my life. He used to bitterly complain about visiting my parents because they were a half-hour drive in good traffic.

Many times I would visit them alone and pretend he was working or had other plans. No surprise they liked my now husband the moment he showed up at their door. He actually went to visit them.

This was a rule I put into place; show up for each. Come to events with each other. Go and do things with each other even when it's not your thing.

Yet, you shouldn't need to establish this with each other, when you think about it. 

You should want to be together and do things as a pair. That's what couples who love, care, and respect each other do.

It's a rule that feels like you're forcing the relationship. Like you're forcing each other to be a team when you're not.

Don't argue in the public

Arguing in public is universally bad for any relationship; romantic, platonic, professional, you name it.

It doesn't end well for the two people in the argument or the innocent bystanders who have to witness it. And potentially end it for you. It's not a productive use of time, nor does it help solve problems.

I would say this is an unsaid rule in every relationship you don't need to say.

It's a mature approach to life. Squabble at home, not in the public forum.

That's why it's concerning my ex and I needed to put this in place. We always liked to niggled at each other, especially in front of his married friends. It was like we went to couples counseling every time they were around.

Though sometimes we need a gentle reminder to undo bad habits we get into, this blanket rule shut down all our fighting.

We didn't argue after that.

This wasn't a good result. We needed to have some arguments about things that were going on. We needed those heated conversations that came from frank confessions of our feelings.

The rule stopped us from being human beings.

Not everyone needs to scrap the relationship rules

Some people use relationship rules the way they're meant to be used. They put them in place to help grow the relationship, not stifle it.

And not everyone is using those relationship rules to cover bigger issues, either. Not like my ex and I did.

I want to stress that because sometimes these rules benefit a relationship more than anything else. They can create clarity and encourage honesty. They can also prevent each other from hurting their partner. It can be a wonderful system when used correctly.

But that doesn't stop them from being unhealthy rules or using them when you don't need them.

Or for when you would rather avoid a conversation and work through a problem.

Rules aren't meant to be problem solvers or blankets for situations we would rather avoid.

Though you might like exploiting the rules in your day-to-day life, this is the one time you can't act cavalier about them.

Because it can only end in heartache. I promise you that much.

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