You Say You Want LOVE, but is that really the Truth?

Many people say that all they really want is to “find love”.

There are also many who deny true love even exists.

But my suspicion is, regardless of which group you belong to, you don’t actually want “real love” at all.

I think the concept of “Love” is really just a romantic ideal that we come up with in our minds. Something that we want to have - for ourselves. But we don’t really believe in it.

Maybe none of us really believe in Love at all - until we are actually forced to confront it in all its - HORROR.

The truth is, we can’t really understand something fully, unless we experience it fully.

Stories, movies, songs, and even looking at people around us, only gives us a vision of what we imagine it would look like. Of what we would like it to be. It becomes a fantasy.

Until.....fantasy becomes reality.

Most of the time, I think we try to take charge and create it for ourselves. So we can have a sense of control.

We find a person who matches some of the traits of our imaginary ideal partner. (Whether it’s physical or more based on characteristics). We turn a blind eye to the rest, because we want to live out our fantasy - that we don’t really believe could match up in the real world. We take things into our own hands. So we can have what We Think we want for our own life.

The thing is, our idea of Love being a perfect person who embodies every quality that We want them to, who is going to Give us unconditional love no matter what, and live up to our unrealistic standards and expectations isnt actually what Love is about at all.

That situation can and will only leave you either unfulfilled, disillusioned, heartbroken, and possibly even really angry!

Over the last few years, I have come to realize that what Love actually is - is about Giving. Not Receiving.

After my marriage ended after 18 years together and 2 children, and losing all I had built up in my life, I started to question everything.

How could it be that this person who I thought I loved and knew, suddenly looked like a complete stranger to me? And vice versa.

What does it all mean? I guess Love isn’t real after all and if it is, it definitely doesn’t last forever!

Since this happened, my views on pretty much everything have changed.

Actually, they didn’t really change - I was just not able to accept or understand the truth about what I always wanted the whole time.

I was forcing things to fit into a fantasy, for my own selfish reasons. And he was doing the same thing.

During my marriage - I did happen to get confronted with real love.

Unexpectedly. And it was not all sunshine and roses!

Actually it was the most terrifying experience of my life.

It happened when I was 25 years old.

My husband and I decided that we wanted to take the next step of our plan to make ourselves happy and, have a baby.

A baby that would be half him and half me, that would be sooooo cute! A baby that we could love and who would love us. That would complete our fantasy life we were creating to fulfill our own wants and needs.

We were excited! We talked about names, would it be a boy or a girl? What would it look like? Who would it look like? We bought all the stuff we would need for a baby. Giggled about all the tiny adorable little baby clothes! Decorated. Had a baby shower to celebrate. We were so looking forward to meeting our little bundle of joy - who we brought into existence to make us happy!

I didn’t enjoy being pregnant. I was impatient to meet her. I figured, it will be nice to get a year off of work, paid, and get to stay home with a cutie pie little baby to play with all day.

Then, I’d just drop it off at day care and go back to work!

However, my plan was flawed.

I learned that very harsh truth when I gave birth.

The doctor said “congratulations! Look at your baby girl!”.

My reaction - I literally covered my face with my hands and shouted out “NOOOOO!!!!”. 😱

That was the day I got what I asked for. What I thought I always wanted. I was confronted with the reality of “TRUE LOVE”, and it was the scariest thing I had ever experienced.

I think I understand why.

Real love isn’t what I thought. It wasn’t finding someone else who would make me happy.

Real love makes You want to make someone else happy.

It makes you stop caring about yourself.

It makes you willing to sacrifice yourself for another person. To protect them at any cost.

You know you would be willing to do things you don’t know if you are even capable of, for that person.

You become terrified of losing them. Of them rejecting you. Of not being good enough or worthy.

The thought of that is so painful, you just know you couldn’t survive it if anything went wrong! And it very likely will go wrong in some way at some point.

When you find true love, you don’t want to to take anything. You only want to give everything.

But you don’t have that much to offer!

It makes you want to be a better person, for them. So you can make sure you never hurt them in any way, and that you can make them happy, keep them safe and give them everything they deserve.

You would have an overwhelming need to put them first.

So, that would mean you would be forced to look at yourself, get yourself together, and be more responsible than you’ve ever been before. And none of those things are romantic, comfortable or fun.

And all for what? It feels like the whole world is on your shoulders. And you know you are seriously weak and flawed!

I guess everyone who finds themselves in this situation, whether it be with their child, or in a romantic relationship, they have to decide for themselves.

Take the easy way out and block yourself off from love. Detach from it out of fear or try to control it, pushing and pulling - so you can be safe and not be to blame when it all goes wrong.

Or, take the leap, look to the person you have been, all your mistakes, do the hard work, face all your demons and insecurities, and your entire past and, go all in!

If you are ever confronted with real love, whether it be in a romantic relationship or not. You may find you didn’t actually want what you thought you did it at all!

In a romantic kind of love, you might find the feelings so intense and uncomfortable that you could easily just decide to run away from it. Decide it’s not worth the hassle and that you’re better off alone. Decide you don’t want it, after all.

Fair enough. But you’ll never be the same again.

Luckily, that’s a lot harder to do when it’s your own child.

My advice is - Be careful what you wish for, because you might just get it!

You can’t have your cake and eat it too.

But if you are brave enough, you will find out what you are truly capable of. And then, find out what it means to actually Love yourself, too.

Thanks for reading!

** If you enjoy my writing, please take a look at some of my other posts, like and follow me :)

Diana