You Finally Did It

You Finally Did It: You can see me now

John W. Gilmore

Just one big swallow and it would all be over. It was getting cold. Even if I didn’t drink the poison I would freeze to death. That’s the way I had planned it. I lay there looking up at the hole at the top of my large tent. It was freezing there in the wilderness of Alaska. People wouldn’t find my body until break up, or I would be eaten by some type of animal or something. I didn’t think I would like that so I zipped the tent even tighter so nothing could get in.

I sat there thinking, reviewing my life. It had been beautiful. I had done just about everything I wanted. I hadn’t been rich, I hadn’t been poor. I had slept in shacks and five star hotels. I had lived on the street and had lived in penthouses. I didn’t know what life was for, but I enjoyed it when I had it. Now some people would say I was taking the easy way out. Not really.

Most of my life I had planned an exit strategy. I wouldn’t be sitting alone in a nursing home barely able to walk, while my life seeped out and my bank account was emptied. I wouldn’t lie in some bed just waiting to breathe my last breath when my body was too old to function anymore. I had planned well.

Kyle was a friend. He was someone who I had on retainer to take me winter camping near Delta Junction Alaska, but we had become friends on the long ride up. They wanted to put me in the nursing home, but I told them I had to take one more trip...one more hike, so here I am. Kyle arranged it. We rode up together. He dropped me at a small airport and a bush plane pilot took me from there and dropped me off all alone away from anyone in the wilderness.

I carried my little bag full of the dark liquid with hundreds of sleeping pills dissolved in it. I had had it waiting for me in a safety deposit box since my twenties, when I decided I would not sit in a nursing home. I wouldn’t become a burden. I would choose my own death. So here I was, almost 70. Was I afraid? Not really, but a bit hesitant. No reason to hurry, I could take it anytime. No one knew I was there. I began to relax when I heard something, sort of a knock on the tent. What was that? I hoped the bears weren’t there for my leftover carcass already.

A woman’s voice. “Excuse me. Can you open up?” I ignored it. The knocking turned to banging. “Please open up, I need your help.”

“Go away!” I shouted.

“Thank God! You're in there.” I could hear the tent door begin to unzip. What a lot of nerve. A small woman wrapped in a thick fur parka and heavy boots pushed her way in. “Big tent, but freezing.” She rubbed her shoulders to keep warm. “You have any kind of firewood or something?” She looked up at the hole in the ceiling. I glared at her.

“Who are you? Why are you here?”

“I seem to be lost.” She grinned. She looked a little cute, but young, very young with bright green eyes. There was something fierce about them. She raised an eyebrow. “Little too old to be checking me out aren’t you?” I frowned and she laughed. It was a beautiful laugh that reminded me of something I had forgotten long ago.

“Do you want me to get you some wood?” This tent looks like it was built so you could build a small fire in it?” I didn’t answer. “I guess that means Yes,” she said.

“No. I don’t.”

“Oh. So you can talk! What are you doing here?”

“Leave me alone. I’m camping so I can be alone.”

“Well you can never be alone.” She walked over and stood over me. “I thought you would always understand that you would never be alone.”

“What are you talking about?” She began to remove her outer coat.

“What’s wrong with you, are you crazy?” I asked. “It’s freezing in here!”

“I like the cold.” She was wearing something like a bright red sweatshirt underneath. What a nut. She sat right beside me, touching me, and began to remove her heavy boots. “So. You came up here to punch out, did you?” She kicked one off. “And you didn’t say anything to me about it?” She asked, tugging at the other.

She finally removed it and tossed it away. “What should I do to you for being so naughty, let you carry out your plan, or let you be rescued in time for your legs or limbs to have to be cut off?” She looked at me. She reminded me of...just an image, a voice in my head while meditating and during my spiritual journeys.

“Yes. That's me. I am Diana. You pagan you.”

“No. That’s impossible.”

“What? You only thought I existed in your head, or in your imagination?” Ha! Talk about being vain. I told you we’d be here for you at the end. Well here we are, even if you are drinking poison. I wouldn’t drink it. Looks nasty. You’ll probably puke it up and then freeze to death or something.”

“Who are you really?”

“Man. You’re more hard headed than last time I talked with you.” She slid a distance away and turned toward me. “You said you were coming here to meet me. Here I am. I must say that I am displeased with the circumstances you’ve placed yourself in right now. It is rather foolish. If you took all of this trouble you could have taken your money and traveled. Died on the road or something, not in a tent in the wilderness waiting for the Goddess, or God, or whatever. Now I’m going to have to save you.”

I looked down at the bottle. “This is some strong shit. I haven’t even drank it yet and I am already seeing things, and hearing things.” I looked at her.

“Problem is that you don’t see and won’t hear.” She leaned close and snatched the bottle out of my hand before I could respond. “I’ll take care of this, old man.” I was so dumbfounded that I just watched. She stood up and unzipped the tent door. She removed the top from the bottle and dumped it out the door. This couldn’t be real. She winged the bottle out the door.

“What gives you the right to do what you did? Who are you?”

“I am your Goddess and this is my land. I won’t allow you to kill yourself on it.”

“You must be crazy woman! How do you know what was in that bottle? It might have been my medicine.”

“Oh shut up, Sam! You know who I am.”

“This is impossible.”

“Everything is impossible for you, isn’t it?” She plopped right down again on the cold tent floor.

“Aren’t you cold?”

“Who did I just say I was?”

“Well. We really don’t believe that, do we?”

“I don't require you to believe it. It doesn’t make a difference. Truth is, you have isolated yourself here in the winter wonderland, with Diana. Maybe Diana is pissed at you after the promises you made before you deserted me and became an atheist.”

“I never became an atheist. I just didn’t believe in you anymore.”

“That’s the same to me. So what do you want me to do? Do you want me to save your ass, or are you just going to freeze to death?”

“Nobody is around here for thousands of miles. And the problem I had before didn’t disappear.”

“You have no problems, just no imagination. It’s time for you to do all the things you’ve dreamed of during your youth.” I shook my head. “There you go...again! Is it better to be old and sick in a hospital bed, or freezing to death in a tent, or hiking up a mountain in Hawaii. As long as there is breath there is opportunity for adventure.”

I thought about it for a moment. She was right. I was talking with the Goddess in the physical world. How was this possible?

“So what do you want, salvation, or to die, Sam? Or maybe to be lying in some nursing home the rest of your life?”

“I want to live. I want to travel. I want to see the whole world before I go, but I want you with me.”

“Here I am. I promised I would be with you didn’t I? Can’t you see me in the face of the moon? Can’t you see me in the stars, or in children playing? I am there in any daring person willing to take chances and risks for the payoff. How have you become so blind after all of these years? You used to see me everywhere.” I didn’t answer. “That was before they convinced you that I didn’t exist. They’re not here, but I am.”

“I guess you are,” I said hesitantly.

“Still an unbeliever are we?”

“No. I just...I want to live. I want to travel, if you’ll go with me. I don’t want to do it alone. I’m old. Most of my friends have died.”

“I will. I promise.”

“OK,” I said.

“Get up and let’s leave this tent then.” I sat up.

“I’m old. We're hundreds of miles from the next city, I think. Maybe thousands.” I could barely get up. She stood up and offered me her hand. I reached up and took it. She pulled me up easily and patted me on my back with the other hand. She grinned.

“Good.” She gestured to the tent door. I unzipped it and stepped out. I opened my eyes. I was at home. The house was just about empty. All of my things were packed. The movers were coming to take every possession to the nearby storage garage. My daughter, Marion, was coming to pick me up to take me to her home. From there I would go to a senior living facility as soon as a new spot opened. I sat on the edge of the bed.

I went over to the closet and took out the suit I had left so I would have something to wear when they came to pick me up. It was 8. I was supposed to meet them at 12. I quickly got dressed before I rummaged through some of the personal things I had in my small, black bag and found my passport, banking information, three credit cards, and a debit card. I pulled out what cash I had and put it in my pocket. I unplugged my cell phone and packed away the charger, and walked out and down to the coffee shop.

I called a cab from there to the airport to take the first flight out that I could find. I texted my daughter on the way. “Thanks for the help and the offer, Marion. Decided to take a trip to Luxembourg instead. I’ll catch you next time I’m in town. Just deposit the money from the house sale into my bank account. Love you and will see you soon.”

I got to the airport. My phone dinged. I saw a thumbs up sign and a smile emoji in my message inbox. “So glad you decided to stay with us,” Marion said.

A small inner voice said, “You can see me now.”

The End and The Beginning

Like this story. Tip the writer and contribute to his profession. You can find many other stories here by Om Prakash John Gilmore. Visit his website at www.nextstepcoaching.mysite.com and become a patron.