You can't run away from yourself...

As we approach Christmas and the end of the year, I am doing what I always do and harshly questioning my life choices. I have lost count of how many times I have promised myself that things will be different. I have moved locations, moved houses, tried new hobbies (meditating is still not high on my list of priorities despite being promised that it will change my life) and still I always end up feeling like this.

I look around and I wonder what it is about me that makes me so inherently pass-overable? What is it about me that makes other people a better option? Is it because I am fat? Is it because I am unattractive? Is it because I am needy? Is it because I get sad sometimes? I know that I try so hard to be kind. I know that in doing so I have screwed myself over on multiple occasions. I have learned from this and while I don't make the same mistakes now that I have done before there is always an overarching feeling that I am not good enough. I don't blame anyone else but myself. I am the common denominator in all of these issues so how do I go about changing myself to be less like me?

I am someone who sees the good in everyone, so much so that I often forget the good in myself. I get hurt easily because I know how it feels to be hurt and rather than tell those around me how they have made me feel I will hold it inside and let it eat away at me until there is next to nothing left. I would rather be by myself than with anyone else but I have made that choice because I have been so hurt by people that I don't feel safe with anyone. But what happens when you don't feel safe with yourself because no matter what you try and do you always end up pushing yourself to one side?

It feels like this is a mid-life crisis but I don't want to buy a sports car. I just want there to be a light at the end of the tunnel. I would give anything for someone to rescue me from myself or not to abandon me when things get dark but I feel like I have abandoned myself for so many years that I give people permission subconsciously to do the same to me. Maybe they don't do it to me. Maybe I am an unfillable void and I am draining those around me of their energy. Maybe that is why I continue to struggle with never feeling like I am good enough for anyone - because I have never been good enough for myself.

I give people advice and support yet I feel like an absolute fraud. I can't even get up in the morning and do basic things - I forget to brush my teeth, I struggle to eat properly, I leave my washing in the machine for so long that I forget that it exists, yet I will be the first person to help and advise someone else when they need it. I just don't know how to help myself. I see things in advance. I know how things are going to pan out. When I don't trust my gut I end up regretting it because I get hurt but when I do trust my gut and try and communicate that with people I end up being the one who is 'too negative.'

As we approach the end of the year I know that I am the problem. I don't know how to fix it but I know that I have to if I want to have any chance of being in anyway happy. Who knows, perhaps the answer is meditation. If it is then I feel like I will be sitting in silence for all of 2023.