Written

Written

by Catherine Reyes

Mysterious Little Black Notebook

The subtle breeze numbed her fingers as she flipped through the pages of the little black notebook. Keira could still not fathom the depth of what she is reading. Where did these stories come from? How? All she knows is that they are here. They have happened.

It all started at age sixteen. Whenever she was emotional, she would write.... write all of her thoughts. At first, they were nonsensical. No direction. Simply confused words. Words of pain. But, after a minute or two, these would begin to make sense. Characters emerged. Events transpired. A plot developed. It’s as if her mind, her fingers, and her notebook worked without her. And then the near future is revealed. Sometimes happy. Most of the time not.

Every bout would be a brief experience. She would fall into a trance. She would feel light, exceptionally light. Then she would simply write. Like she planned it all. Her mind can barely race after her fingers. After she’s written an entire event, she is able to read it. Then she knows. But not until then. She would usually slump back on her chair - spent. It was exhausting. Pain seared through every nerve within the premises of her skull.

She clutched her thick, black notebook. She has used up at least half of it. Even at a young age, she somehow knew she had to choose when she would write. She wasn’t prepared to deal with the unknown, at least ahead of everyone else. Her notebook. A gift from her grandmother. The golden, black leather gleamed with wisdom, boasting of abstract creases which gave it a regal façade. Its origin was unknown and yet, she somehow assumed that it dates back to something phenomenal.

She will never forget when her Lola got sick. She loved her dearly. She raised her and loved her beyond dear life. The agony of seeing her fade away was too much for a young and lost soul. So, she wrote. And she read about her demise. It was unthinkable.

At 32, she is still bewildered with what to make out of all these. Every time there is a need, she panics. The black notebook is an abyss of which she can dive into. What will she find out next? And so she would hold her breath on every decision. Only when there is no other choice. She promised herself.

And today leaves her no choice. Not again. But then again…

Intertwined

Aviv was the last good thing that could ever happen to her, or at least that was what she thought. She is 10 years his senior. He spoke Hebrew and read the Torah. And although his well-off family would rather that he stayed unmarried for the rest of his life than to get involved with a Catholic, Aviv loved her immensely.

Keira thumbed through the notebook’s pages. Tears welled up as she remembered the nights when they would make love unendingly.

Aviv would look at her with an intensity as he pushed hard into her. He would challenge her dazed awareness, as if wanting to make sure she believed him. And finally, when she was whimpering in pain and intoxicating sweetness, he would mouth what she wanted to hear. Only then would he allow himself to join her until he lost himself.

They celebrated their love on every opportunity. Somehow, it seemed like tomorrow would be the last. There was always that small voice in her heart which told her to run. And yet, she stayed on. For how long she should stay– she did not know.

As the smoke curled up into a dainty art before it disappeared through thin air, Aviv drew the smoke into his mouth. It was one of those motionless nights, just passing by. Keira followed his breathing like a little girl wanting to please. “I’m sick.” Keira inhaled the smoke and almost forgot to let it back out. “I thought you should know.”

Keira stared at her inch long joint. She kept her eyes on it for as long as she could in silence. It’s as if the truth will never be if she evaded looking at him. “Why?” Aviv could not make out her line of thought. He wasn’t sure if she was angry or shocked or simply thinking he was throwing a mean, pointless joke.

It was Aviv’s turn to look down and talk about something he himself has been trying to fight for years now. “I have… I have acute myeloid leukemia. It has spread to other organs. I’m-I’m not sure what’s next.” Keira’s mind just went blank. The one person who absolutely loves her… “I have about 6 months more. Maybe a year - tops. That’s what they told me.” Aviv continued smoking his joint. This time with urgency. Then he started to sob. Keira came up and held him. It was the most helpless moment in her life.

Destined

That night, someone else wrote her future for her. It was not fair. All her life, she has been afraid to find out what the future holds. Every time she would peer into what lies ahead, she squirmed. Today, she decided to let go. What could be worse? And so once again, she will find out. It is one of those moments. This time, she will reenter the abyss, but hopefully not to lose. She needed to hope. She had to.

Keira kept on flipping through its pages. If one would look closely at those white, glistening pages, one would assume that these have become more handsome over the years. She forced her thoughts back to her mission. She knew it was time to find out. She wanted to bring him answers. “Please, please…,” she whispered. And if it was the end, she wanted ample time to brace herself. Better yet, she may be able to alter things. Can she do that? She wondered.

After a long pause, she took a deep breath and focused on the subject at hand. And then she began to write. For about an hour, she wrote without rest. She could barely contain herself as emotions rushed in and out of her veins until all that needed to be written came to be. Finally, she stopped, and the pen fell from her quivering fingers. She sat on the floor shaking. It’s time to read about Aviv and Keira. But what she read came pounding on her chest like the time Aviv broke the news of his predicament.

Writings…

Keira squinted at every turn of the characters she's written. After numerous visits and stages of treatment at The Leukemia Center at MD Anderson, Aviv makes the acquaintance of a tycoon whose son is going through the same dilemma. Aviv is chosen to participate in his advancing research on AML. He is then given clinical trials of a new intravenous treatment which finally sends him to a path of remission. Amidst all these, Aviv and Keira receive $20,000 for added support.

Keira squeezed her eyes and made sure that she was not dreaming. Maybe her black notebook is spiraling into a new chapter. With this at hand, she ran straight to Aviv. She ran and ran away from the abyss. She made it back! She fell into his embrace. His face filled with a questioning look. As she made up a lame story to cover up her unusual behavior, Keira was delirious with unequivocal joy.

Her final challenge is to keep all to herself. “The future must happen seamlessly,” she thought, as she glanced at the little black notebook. Then slowly but very carefully, she tucked it away. Keira’s eyes smiled as she surveyed the man destined to be with her. Writings quickly flashed across her mind as she gently stroked his face.