Would you love a pornstar?

Ask yourself:

Could you ever date a pornstar?

I’ve put this question to several friends— context may be important to declare— these friends admitted to consuming pornography with some regularity.

Everybody replied with a “no”. One friend even replied with a “hell no”.

One said he’d fuck a pornstar but would never date one. Another said he wouldn’t even fuck a pornstar.

I asked them why, and they said they didn’t think they’d be able to be with somebody who worked in the adult film industry— they disapproved of sex work.

I guess I can understand…

If you don’t approve of a career, from a moral or ethical standpoint then it makes sense not to date from that pool.

Everyone has their preferences and limits and that’s okay. I for one can say with 100% certainty that I would never in a billion years date a billionaire, even if she was stunningly beautiful with a great sense of humor and a ton of charisma— she’d be unlovable to me. Because that level of sociopathic greed (to be an actual billionaire) thoroughly disgusts me.

Same way I could never date an ICE agent, a DOD contractor, or a member of trump’s propaganda machine.

If somebody works a career you consider morally repugnant or unforgivable, then I guess choosing not to date that person is doing you and them a favor.

But pornstars dont disgust me and I don’t think their profession is one which should be shamed. (I do have objections to the way the industry operates, more on that later).

Truly, I believe many of the people who express disgust at the idea of dating a pornstar are falling prey to a massive degree of cognitive dissonance, landing square in the field of hypocrisy... if they use porn.

Because isn’t it a little absurd to touch yourself while drooling over a pornstar all while judging her (or him) as untouchable?

A person who condemns pornstars while devouring porn would be like a person who is disgusted by all chocolatiers but ravenous when it comes any chocolate.

It’s backwards.

Porn users definitely shouldn’t demonize, dehumanize, or denigrate adult performers.

Stones from glass houses, motes and beams, and all that.

Thing is, a majority of modern humans, do consume porn. It may not always be healthy, and the sex is well known to be unrealistic… but viewing porn is pretty damn normal. So why is there such a stigma against those who work in that industry and when so many people gobble it down?

Another of my friends said if they were to date a pornstar they’d be worried about STDs. I told them from the little I understand of that industry, a pornstar is likely to be a lot cleaner than the random person you might meet out and about or on tinder. Modern adult performers, if they’re working, are expected to maintain a testing schedule, to confirm they are STD free.

Every sexually active person who’s not in a committed monogamous relationship should be doing this but many don’t.

This friend went on to say they wouldn’t even be willing to have sex with a pornstar, because they’d be disgusted to think that their partner had been physical with so many people in her past.

Sure, pornstars have higher “body counts” but they’re not running around fucking stranger and randos. They’re working with costars who are also tested, who take their sexual health seriously because it is their livelihood.

And who the hell cares how many partners your partner has had in his or her past? If they have a clean bill of health, policing somebody's non-criminal past is a weird thing to do.

The vast majority of humans have sex with more than one person in their lifespans. There’s nothing wrong with total celibacy and there’s nothing wrong with only being sexually intimate with one life long partner— but if the physical acts are safe and consensual there’s nothing inherently and objectively wrong with a person having lots of sex with lots of people. In fact a robust sex life is known to increase the human lifespan as well as the quality of life. There are extremes of course, where sex can be addictive or harmful, but safe sex is good for the body and the mind.

Furthermore, I would imagine, a person who's had many partners is likely to be less repressed/ inhibited and more fun when it comes to physical intimacy. They say practice makes perfect, and sex is a skill which can be developed like any other.

As an aside, I’d actually expect pornstars to be less likely to cheat than the average random person— specifically because risky sex could put their career at risk. I also tend to believe that they may be more upfront and honest with their partners because they aren’t caught up in the puritanical shame that many people feel towards sex in general.

And ultimately….

Pornstars having an expanded sexual history doesn’t make them less HUMAN and it doesn’t make them dirty or unclean.

I think this friend was influenced by the puritanical view that people lose value when they “lose” their virginity.

This friend went on to say that regardless of sexual history, he’d be jealous if his partner was still actively having sex with other people, even if she did that for a living. I guess I can understand the impulse of jealousy, but I’ve found it doesn’t seem to apply for me.

I’ve never physically cheated but I’ve been cheated on in a long-term monogamous relationship and found that the knowledge of my ex having sex with other people didn’t really bother me at all— what bothered me was the knowledge that I’d been lied to.

Then again, I was truly unhappy in that relationship and just hoping for an excuse to leave. I’ve never been cheated on by somebody I deeply admired or adored so I can’t say with certainty how I’d feel in all cases.

While my preference and personal default is monogamy, I’ve also experienced an “open” relationship with a different ex and even though I chose not to pursue anything physical with anyone else, I didn’t mind the idea of her being physical with others, because everything was honest and above board. She and I didn’t last but it wasn’t jealousy that ended it, but rather a difference in life stages and circumstances.

I think at its core, the impulse of jealousy is natural, and it comes from a sort of biological insecurity. If you’re partnered with someone you are operating on and influenced by a set of instincts that on some level include concepts like the sharing of resources and even procreation.

Nobody wants to feel like their partner might decide to redistribute his or her investment of time, energy, resources, and hope for the future to another party.

So jealousy makes sense. But it’s also oddly self-focused. Jealousy doesn’t really have much to do with care or concern for one’s partner, it has almost everything to do with care and concern for one’s self— almost to the point of exclusion.

And if you're secure in your relationship and your sense of worth, you probably won't feel jealousy towards your partner.

When I say I don’t feel especially motivated by jealousy, I think this stems from a deeper sense of personal contentment along with a sense of wanting my partners to be happy not only with me but also without me. Im not looking for someone to complete me, I feel complete on my own. And I don’t want to be with a person who can’t function independently. I want to be loving, caring, safe, and nurturing— and I want to offer sacrifice and caring action because that’s what love is. But I don’t want my partner to be obsessed with me or unable to thrive without me. I’m not clingy, and I don’t want clingy.

And not for nothing-- a pornstar using their body to make money isn't really that fundamentally different from the hard physical work I've done in retail and as a county laborer. I mean, I've literally sacrificed the ligaments in my knees and my shoulders-- sustained injuries and regular wear through heavy, sweaty, bodily work. All for money! So who the hell am I to shame a pornstar for using his or her body to make money too?

Sex work is obviously not without its health risks-- and this not a complete one to one comparison-- but there are MANY socially acceptable labor positions that have the potential to be terrible for your physical health and your bodily wellness-- it's quite strange that we'll shame someone for using their mouth and hands and genitals for adult entertainment, but we'll readily accept workplace conditions that lead to reported injury rates of up to 4.6 reports per 100 full time workers per year in "respectable" industries. (source:https://blog.oshaeducationschool.com/industries-highest-osha-injury-rates/)

Another friend said he’d be really uncomfortable with the idea of dating someone that everyone had seen nude and engaged in sexual activity. (He actually said he didn’t think he could date a woman that his friends and family had seen sucking dick).

I don’t really get that though. Yeah, most of the time sex is private, and that’s appropriate, but I don’t think I’d be embarrassed to be with someone who’s known and recognized as a porn performer-- just because others in my social circle would be aware that this person committed to some sexual act on camera.

I mean, sex seems taboo, but again: almost every human does (or will do) all sorts of sexual stuff at some point in their lives. For example, you might like to pretend that your parents and grandparents are sexless, but if you exist then you're proof that they were sexualllly active at one point. And you might not want to hear it but there's a good chance they still are.

And hell-- recognizing that a pornstar has had sex isn't that different from recognizing that parents have had sex. I'm not embarrassed to let people know I'm a dad. Yeah, the fact I've got kids means I've had sex-- who gives a shit.

Saying you'd be embarrassed to be with a pornstar because people might have seen them having sex, isn't that different saying you'd be embarrassed to be with a single mom or single dad because everyone would know that person had sex before.

I mean, if a pornstar is not embarrassed over being bare assed on camera, why shoud we be embarrassed for them second hand?

If you’re dating a non-pornstar there’s still a really high probability that someone else has had sex with that person before you-- there may be a number of people who know what your partner looks, feels, and tastes like.

Doesn’t make your partner any less human or any less your partner.

And I guess another way to rephrase this is to look at it personally:

You, whoever’s reading this, you probably have a sexual history. (It’s okay if you don’t, this is just to set up a hypothetical thought experiment). Does your past sexual behavior— and the knowledge that other people have seen and been with you intimately make you less worthy in any way?

Nope! It doesn’t make you any less human or any less valid as a partner to someone else.

Point being:

If you can bring a history full of private sexual behaviors to a future relationship without shame, then why should a pornstar be shamed for their publicly known sexual behaviors. The distinction between public and private knowledge isn't a big deal, I don't think.

In other words, who the fuck cares if your partner had sex on camera and people know about it. Remember anyone who hurls stones is throwing them from glass houses— because most people have sex and most people look at porn.

Anyone who clutches their pearls and says “dont you know what that pornstar has done?!?” is really just confessing that THEY know what that pornstar has done. If they’re not ashamed to publicly admit to recognizing a pornstar then they shouldn’t be shaming that pornstar.

The last friend I put this question to had another point entirely:

He didn’t think he’d be able to measure up— in a very physical sense but also in a behavioral sense. He thought if he were to date a pornstar he’d probably disappoint her in bed. He said, (paraphrasing): if she’s used to having extreme sex with male performers, she’s going to expect gigantic dongs and peak sexual stamina. She’s also gonna be bored by vanilla stuff.

I don’t agree.

That said, I admit I do not have any first hand experience pleasing a pornstar in bed, so I can’t say for sure that I’d satisfy one. But I’d really expect some pornstars probably crave gentle, caring, private, pleasure focused sex— the kind that’s sincere and mutual and which allows them to be fully authentic— as opposed to the stuff they are expected to perform and convey on set.

It’s no secret that most porn disproportionately focuses on male pleasure. For example: almost every heterosexual porn video depicts fellatio, but it’s oddly rare for heterosexual porn videos to include cunnilingus.

And as for the question of size-- most people know that EVERY woman has different preferences. It's possible some pornstars would prefer more modest, average, or even smaller male partners. I know, speaking from experience that some women will quite literally be disappointed if your size is larger than their ideal.

One of my exes told me after I left her that she was much more sexually fulfilled with the guy she ended up with after me. To be clear, I'm not monstrously endowed-- but I was larger than her ideal. She said that her new partner was a couple inches smaller and she really loved the fact that he could just jack hammer her rough without hitting her cervix and she also said she loved being able to fit his whole unit in her mouth without touching her tonsils.

Good for her, I'm glad she found someone who better fit her preferences. But it just goes to show that personal tastes vary!

It's absolutely possible that pornstars have the same size preferences as that ex. It's also possible that they couldn't care less about size-- as many women attest to endowment being a lot less important than other things like chemistry, attentivness, communication, and willingness!

My point is this: porn sex is known to be unrealistic sex— not only are many of the positions and behaviors in porn staged for the viewer rather than for comfort or pleasure, the participants are also ACTING.

I’m sure some of the sex on camera actually does feel good for the actresses and actors, but it stands to reason that a huge percentage of it is formulaic and exaggerated. They’re paid to make uncomfortable or even unpleasant sex look better than it is.

When cameras are rolling, it’s also to be assumed that there’s some added pressure relating to their performance. It might be hard for some performers to feel authentic pleasure and satisfaction when they know they’re being judged on their performance.

Also: I highly, highly doubt that every pornstar has legitimate chemistry and attraction towards all of their costars. A lot of that sex is just a paycheck labor, with little to no emotional investment and no real focus on mutual pleasure.

Think of it this way: if you work in a fast food burger place, flipping frozen patties, you might be willing to eat the low grade burgers you make. If your boss offers you money to eat a burger on camera for a commercial, you might be willing to do that too— and if you do, you’ll smile or moan to show how great that burger is— to really sell it.

But at the end of the day, a burger prepared with time and care at a gourmet sit down restaurant will taste better. And to really cement this analogy: if you were to go home from your burger flipping job, to see that your partner whom you love had made burgers from scratch, with all your favorite ingredients, you’d probably like that burger the best because whether mundane or pleasurable everything is better when it's shared with someone you love.

Sex with a partner you care about, trust, and love will always be more emotionally satisfying than impersonal, business oriented sex.

And there’s a strong connection between emotional satisfaction and physical enjoyment.

So I’d imagine real life sex has the potential to be more satisfying— especially for female performers— than professional, acted sex.

NOW.

The reason I asked some of my friends if they would ever date a pornstar is because I had been asking myself that same question.

I would not be morally, ethically, or personally opposed to dating a pornstar. I’m secure enough to believe I could be a satisfying partner for a pornstar— in a physical sense and in a more than physical sense.

Will I ever date a porn star? I would, but still, I don’t think it’s likely to happen…. I just don’t happen to cross paths with adult performers in my work, hobbies, or social circles.

Anyway, that’s not even the point.

I didn’t write this piece to advertise my eligibility to pornstars.

I wrote this piece because I’ve seen the stigma people attach to performers— especially women— in the industry, and I think that needs to change!

Last time I was doom scrolling Instagram, a meme showed up: a photo of some woman in a wedding gown, smiling with her now husband. They both seemed very happy!

But the picture was juxtaposed with another image of that same woman disheveled, her face covered in fluids, kneeling with a group of men standing over her.

I don’t know who this woman was. I had a vague recognition, but she wasn't one of the actresses I'm a fan of, so I don't know her name. Anyway, I'm certain she was a pornstar because it was very obviously the same person in each picture and the second image was clearly a still from a pornographic video.

The caption on the meme was something along the lines of “imagine being stupid enough to marry her.”

And I think that sentiment is condemnable, rotten, and ridiculous.

Pornstars are NOT any less human, and people should be happy for anyone who has found love, trust, and acceptance in a partner. Anyone shaming her for her past, or shaming her husband for loving her really should look in the mirror and see what kind of sexual/ moral double standards they’re clinging to.

I’m not trying to convince you, the reader, that you should go out and try to date a pornstar. You’re allowed to be uncomfortable with the idea.

But if you’ve got sexual hang ups about prospective partner’s pasts, I’d gently urge you to look beyond that.

Porn shows a lot— of the human body and what it can do— but it doesn’t show much at all of the human heart or the human soul.

Each and every porn performer has a life and a mind. They have friends. They have loves. They have struggles, pains, and joys. Like every other member of the human species.

Pornstars aren’t less human so please don’t let their career choice prevent you from acknowledging their humanity.

You don’t have to want to marry them. But shaming them for getting married is mad stupid, especially if you’ve ever spent time with your dick in your hand and your eyes glued to their images on a screen.

I’ll ask you a question now, and it won’t be whether you’d date a pornstar.

That’s not really relevant.

Would you love a pornstar?

I don’t mean romantic love here.

I don’t even mean as a friend.

I mean the kind of love we should feel for all members of our human family.

Would you acknowledge and respect the humanity of a pornstar?

We’re all taxonomic brothers and sisters, and we should love each other.

We should be in awe of one another.

There may be crimes and evils which would urge you to disown a member of our family. I really don’t think we need to worry about whether we feel love for genocidal killers or for child rapists. Right them off. Right of anyone who preys on others-- or who harms the helpless. Some crimes really do destroy a persons membership in the human family.

But I don’t think having sex on camera is a crime against humanity.

So… would you love a pornstar?

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PS: I said I have objections to the way the industry functions and I’ll just briefly list them here:

1. I don’t think the industry respects performers, men or women, but especially women. I think performers are viewed by the big money makers as a resource and a means to an end, where the end is profit. to me that’s wrong. I voice this complaint towards all other industries under capitalism, but the offenses are far more in your face with porn.

2. I don’t think porn use is healthy for most consumers. I think it can be overstimulating, habit forming, psychologically addictive, and dangerous for impressionable viewers— leading to unrealistic and unhealthy and unfair expectations when it comes to sex and sexuality and may even cause sexual dysfunction when it comes to real intimate relationships.

For these reasons, I support anyone’s efforts to be porn free! But I condemn anyone’s attempt to shame pornstars. You can criticize an industry and still respect the people who labor in it.