Why We Chase the Unavailable in Dating: The Thrill of Wanting What We Can’t Have

We’ve all been there. You meet someone who barely gives you the time of day, and suddenly, they’re all you can think about. They’re distant, hot and cold, maybe even a little emotionally unavailable… and yet, you're hooked like a fish on a line. You’re calling, texting, making excuses to see them — all the while, they're barely lifting a finger.

Sound familiar?

Yeah, it’s called chasing — and it’s a trap.

In dating, chasing is like trying to hug a shadow. You reach, you extend, but you're never truly holding anything genuine. And the harder you chase, the quicker it slips through your fingers.But why do we do it at all? Why are we drawn to people who don’t allow us what we need or require?

Let’s break it down, since understanding this could be the primary step to taking back your control in love.

The Psychological High of the Chase

To begin with, let’s talk about dopamine, the brain chemical responsible for compensation and joy. When somebody plays difficult to induce or acts conflictingly, your brain treats it like a diversion you wish to win. And once you get a crumb of attention? Boom—dopamine hit.

It’s like betting. You don’t win each time, but the eccentric is what keeps you pulling the lever. One minute they’re cold; the next, they’re sweet. You keep chasing that emotional jackpot, hoping this time you’ll hit the "they finally love me" moment.

Spoiler: you rarely do.

We Crave What We Think We Can’t Have

There’s a weird human quirk — we tend to want things more when we believe they’re out of reach. It’s the whole “grass is greener” situation. When someone seems unavailable, it makes them seem more desirable. Why? Because we assign value to rarity.

It’s like seeing a velvet rope at a select club. You don’t know what’s interior, but since you can’t get in, you accept it must be astounding. That person you’re chasing gets to be the velvet rope—sincerely bolted, strange, and unattainable. And you? You're the one stuck outside, wondering what you're missing.

The Role of Self-Worth

Chasing often isn't about them at all.

It’s about you.

More specifically, it's about what you believe you deserve.If you grew up feeling like love had to be earned or begged for, you might unconsciously repeat that pattern in adult relationships. That unresponsive partner? Subconsciously, they feel familiar. You keep trying to prove you're “enough” to finally get chosen.

And it's not your fault.These emotional patterns are often baked into us from early experiences, but they can be unlearned. And they should be.

Because chasing someone who doesn’t value you is like auditioning for a role in a movie that’s already been cast. It doesn’t matter how good your performance is — they’ve already made their choice.

Mixed Signals Are Emotional Bait

Ever heard of breadcrumbing? It's when somebody gives you fair, sufficient consideration to keep you interested, but never sufficient to construct anything genuine.

It’s enthusiastic control in its most subtle frame. One day they are complimenting you, and the next they are ghosting your writings. It’s conflicting, befuddling, and addictive. Your brain gets stuck in “maybe if I try harder…” mode, and you fall deeper into the chase.

Let me be clear: mixed signals aren’t romantic — they’re toxic. Consistency is sexy. Mutual interest is hot. Being someone's emotional yo-yo? Not so much.

✅ Stop chasing, start attracting real love!

You're Not in Love — You're Addicted to the Idea

In some cases, it’s not the individual you’re connected to. It’s the potential. You fantasize about what things could be like “if only they’d change.” You’re in love with their highlight reel, not the reality.

It’s like falling for a trailer rather than the total motion picture. The trailer looks astounding, but the motion picture never really conveys it. However, you keep buying tickets, trusting that the following appearance will be distinctive.

You merit somebody who doesn’t make you ask for their consideration. Someone who chooses you—openly, freely, and without conditions.

The Harsh Truth: If You’re Chasing, They’re Not Interested

This might sting a little, but if you have to chase somebody, they likely don’t feel the same way. Relationships aren’t hide-and-seek. If somebody genuinely needs to be with you, you won’t need to interpret writings, overthink hushes, or persuade them of your worth.

Interest doesn’t hide.

Real connection looks like mutual energy. It feels safe. It feels easy. It doesn’t leave you constantly guessing.

Flip the Script: Start Attracting Instead of Chasing

Here’s the good news — you can stop chasing and start attracting the love you deserve. It starts with:

1. Raising Your Standards

Don’t settle for scraps after you merit the full cake. In case someone’s not appearing reliably or meeting your needs, let them go. Love doesn’t live in disarray.

2. Healing Your Inner Wounds

Inquire of yourself: Why am I drawn to sincerely inaccessible people? Is there a wound I’m attempting to heal by winning them over? Journaling, therapy, or just honest reflection can help you rewrite that script.

3. Knowing Your Worth

Confidence is magnetic. Once you know what you bring to the table, you halt asking for a situation. You sit gladly at your table and welcome somebody who needs to be there with you.

4. Practicing Self-Love

The love you donate to yourself sets the standard for the love you acknowledge from others.Prioritize your peace, your delight, and your objectives. Fill your cup — so love becomes a choice, not a need.

Final Thoughts: You Deserve to Be Chosen, Not Chased

Chasing someone in dating is like running a marathon with no finish line — exhausting, directionless, and full of disappointment.

Let this be your reminder: you don’t have to prove your worth to anyone. The right person won’t make you guess how they feel. They’ll show up — fully, consistently, and without you needing to chase them down.

Stop chasing what’s not chasing you back. Start chasing your peace, your dreams, your growth — and let love find you along the way.

✅ Stop chasing, start attracting real love!

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