Why We Can’t Stop Loving Those Who Hurt Us?

Some of us seem to have an above-average talent for finding ourselves in unfulfilling relationships. Our unions might begin with hope, but over time, problems set in: a lack of affection, absence of intimacy, emotional chill, or even affairs. When these issues arise, most people would recognize that, however lovely the beginning, it's time to leave. A partner who has been cold, sadistic, or repeatedly unkind does not deserve a second chance.

Yet for some of us, this is precisely when we begin to show our distinctive emotional patterns. We cling to hope, believing that the disappointing partner will eventually recover. Even when they behave unkindly, we rationalize it because they apologized nicely last week—before repeating the same behavior. To outsiders, our unwavering faith in our partner can appear almost religious. Why do we keep giving an unreliable companion so much leeway? Why do we continue hoping against hope that things will improve? Why don't we cut our losses and leave?

We often believe that with just a little more effort—one more discussion, one more heartfelt message—everything will change. Worse, we might convince ourselves that we are the problem, constantly seeking ways to apologize and make amends.

The explanation for this deeply ingrained hope lies in our upbringing. We didn't become hopeful out of choice but out of necessity. Many of us grew up in circumstances where doubting our parents or their love was not an option. As young children, we were entirely dependent and emotionally vulnerable. When faced with unfulfilling parents, we couldn't simply walk away. Instead, we internalized the belief that the fault must lie within us.

This childhood conditioning led us to overanalyze the behavior of those around us, crafting generous explanations for unkindness. We became accustomed to waiting for small morsels of affection, developing an attachment to emotional deprivation. A parent might have been harsh all day, but a single moment of tenderness at night—like a gentle pat on the head—would feel overwhelmingly rewarding.

As adults, this painful cycle continues. We've come to associate love with emotional tension, expecting unfulfilling people to suddenly transform and offer kindness again. Real, healthy love—defined by mutual respect, gentleness, and emotional reliability—feels foreign, even nauseating. If we meet someone who offers genuine emotional stability, we might feel confused and even repelled, often fleeing back to the comfort of emotionally unavailable partners.

The toll of these patterns is profound. While others experience calm, kind relationships, we remain trapped in exhausting scenarios with emotionally unstable individuals who subtly manipulate, withdraw affection, or make promises they never keep. Ironically, this suffering can feel familiar and even exciting because it's all we know.

Breaking free from this cycle requires us to confront hard truths. Some people, despite a few lovely qualities, can have a net negative impact on our lives. Certain individuals are emotionally damaged and will continue to hurt those around them, no matter how much we try to understand or fix them. Our role is not to endlessly analyze their psychology or craft excuses for their behavior. Instead, we must focus on what they do rather than why they might be the way they are.

Conversely, we need to stop resenting those who show us kindness. If genuine warmth feels uncomfortable, it’s not because kindness is wrong but because our past experiences have distorted our perception of love.

If this resonates, it's vital to recognize that someone who has mistreated you—or continues to—will not change. The boundless hope that they might is not rooted in reality but in a childhood pattern where we were forced to stay loyal to people who didn't deserve our faith. The single most important criterion for staying in a relationship is whether the person is consistently kind to you.

• If they were kind but are no longer, it's time to leave.

• If they are kind only sporadically, it's time to leave.

• If they promise kindness but fail to deliver, it's time to leave.

We must break free from our addiction to suffering. Emotional pain was never something we deserved—and it certainly isn't something we should tolerate now.

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