Why Most New Relationships Last Only 3 Months!

According to research by dating app, Inner Circle, 68% of daters have had a relationship that ended after just three months! Apparently it is due to something called the ‘feelings gap’ - “the difference in the amount of time each partner takes to decide whether or not they want to be in a long-term relationship”.

Perhaps you met someone recently, thought things might happen between you, and everything fell flat? Well, if we ignore the power of expectations to affect what we do, there is an unknown culprit lurking most times when a potential relationship fails to bear fruit, and that is the way the developing stages are handled, whether rushed or natural, by one or both parties.

In an age, especially in Western societies, when people have greater control over their lives, fall in love, and expect to live happily ever after, a lot can happen between expectation and realisation, not least because of the clear stages that are involved in the fulfilment of any relationship. These are: preliminary, potential, exploratory, short-term and long-term. The main obstacle to the formation of new relationships lies in how these key stages are handled, especially if either party is trying to bypass the middle stages to get to the last one. Most relationships will flounder at this stage, if the information, attitudes, and activities revealed in the exploration stage do not align together, or begin to repel one party.

The Stages

1. Preliminary: The is the easy bit. The two people are still strangers to each other. They could be just seeing each other for the first time, exchanging glances, or smiles, across a crowded room; reading each other's profiles on a dating site, and liking what they see, and feeling drawn towards each other in some way, without really knowing why. The hallmarks of this first stage are interest and curiosity. The relationship is clearly non-existent at this time, but there is a desire to know more, even though it may not move further than that, if the situation, mutual feelings, or aspirations do not allow it.

2. Potential: Strangers have turned into acquaintances because of the definite attraction that is felt by both parties. The main aspects of this stage are communication and conversation. There might be exchanges of texts and/or emails, if the parties meet on a dating app, or just a friendly chat, if they meet otherwise. There is a feeling of mutual comfort, the precursor of chemistry, but that would not be enough on its own to lead to the next stage. However, when there is potential for something positive, especially if the physical attraction is strong, the next stage is inevitable.

3. Exploratory: There is a definite friendship, warmth, interest, curiosity and accommodation between the couple. There is also likely to be physical contact too. This is where there would be lots of phone contact, for example, some dating, a desire to do activities together, to know more about each other, to seek out mutual alignment with one another, and to establish how each other feels. There might be full chemistry (comfort, mutual value, and excitement) on both parts, or only one person might feel it. Most relationships will flounder at this stage, if the information, attitudes, and activities revealed in the exploration stage do not align together, or begin to repel. In that case, some people might continue to be friends, while others will finish it there. However, successful exploration leads to a short-term liaison, which many people often mistakenly believe is, or might wish it to be, long-term. That's why most new relationships average only three months, according to statistics.

4. Short-Term: By this stage there is a definite relationship growing, though neither party knows how long it will last. Due to this uncertainty, there is likely to be misinterpretations of its possibilities, or one person forcing the pace, or even hanging back, if both parties are not feeling the same way or there is fear about the friendship developing too fast. A short-term relationship is an unspoken trial one, provisional to what might be possible. At this time the signs are likely to be very good for the two people becoming a couple, but there is one crucial item missing: commitment.

One person might expect this commitment (a key part of the final stage) to follow quickly before the other is ready, which is a recipe for disaster. A short-term relationship is simply a different kind of exploration to test the possibilities of being closer together. However, this is where personal expectations, especially those which are not aligned between the two parties, would get in the way of further development. It is also where the most incompatibilities will reveal themselves, and is accountable for the majority of failed relationships, mainly through dashed expectations, and disillusionment.

5. Long-Term: These relationships have weathered the first four tricky stages and have established themselves on a more permanent footing. Their hallmarks are more comfort, openness, and commitment between the couple. By this time, they would also have a greater understanding and appreciation of one another and are more likely to enjoy each other's company on a regular basis. This is a more expressive and trusting stage where the comfort levels would be pretty advanced, and the fears greatly reduced.

The Problem With Missing Stages

Often relationships falter because people are unwittingly trying to short-circuit the different stages to get to the final one as quickly as possible. They are afraid to explore the possibilities sufficiently; afraid of 'getting hurt'; and expect everything to go smoothly, especially if they like the person. They often try to get from the No.2 stage to No.5, without going through 3 or 4, mainly because of their fears, or not being honest, which makes them more guarded and secretive. But if these critical middle stages are ignored, or bypassed, the couple awareness, appreciation, and the mutual understanding gained in these learning stages would all have to be done in the long-term phase, which makes it a pretty painful process, often killing many marriages, in particular, after a relatively short time!

People tend to seek commitment in the friendship far too early, by wishing to proceed to Stage 5 quickly, and when it is not forthcoming they become disillusioned. Yet, if each took the time to know and appreciate the other person, to give that exploratory, or short-term, stage due attention, they would have a firmer foundation for the final stage. However, most people seeking new partners tend to bring a lot of emotional baggage from their last relationship to the new one. They either expect the same hurt to repeat itself, they are fearful of what the other person might do, instead of allowing him/her to prove themselves, or they expect things to fall apart quickly, and the relationship to fail. Not surprisingly, it does, because our attitudes and actions tend to match what we expect in a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The best way to ensure development of a new relationship is to come to it with a fresh and open mind. Leave the past behind, even if there is some caution. Be positive in expectations, and allow the person to be who they are, and the stages to work themselves through in their own way. A lot could be revealed in the process.

By being yourself and allowing the relationship to unfold, instead of trying to control or direct it, you will both gradually know whether you will be happy with each other, or whether it is best to move on. However, if anything is artificially controlled, or some stages omitted, there are likely to be unpleasant surprises waiting further down the line, especially when you are more invested in the friendship, and least expect them!

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