Why Many Women Act “Dumb” About Their Husband’s Extramarital Affairs?

I have observed many instances where women remain silent about their husbands’ affairs.

I have heard a woman criticize her husband’s alcoholism but never mention his extramarital relationship. She tiptoes around it.

Another woman said, “my husband is good, not like straying ones,” even though he himself admitted to staying in touch with his ex-girlfriend until she asked him to stop.

This silence is not necessarily ignorance. It often has deep social, and emotional roots. Let’s see.

Fear of social stigma: In many Indian communities, divorce brings judgment. The fear of being labeled a “failed” or “rejected” wife keeps many women in the relationship. For mothers, the lack of opportunities to start over after marriage, makes them stay put.

Financial dependency: Women who are financially-dependent on their husbands can’t just leaving the marriage. It will mean losing financial security.

Children’s stability: Many women stay silent over the affairs, for stable environment for their children. They fear that exposing the affair will traumatize the children.

I remember one hostel roommate who confided that her father was neither a good husband nor a good father. She was put in boarding school to keep her away from the filthy situation. I understood her pain.

Another schoolmate came from a family where her father had a wife and mistress, all living under one roof.

Normalization of male infidelity: Male infidelity is often normalized in patriarchy-steeped societies.

Emotional denial as coping strategy: Acknowledging an affair can be emotionally devastating. So, acting unaware can be a form of self-protection, a way to avoid facing the pain head-on. Women with this coping strategy hope for the affair to fade away and the man to come abck emotionally.

Strategic silence: Some women choose silence strategically. They wait until their children’s future is secure, before confronting or leaving.

Love, and attachment: Some women genuinely love their husbands and believe the affair is temporary. They hope the straying man will understand mistake and will return.

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@Seema

So, what may appear as “dumb”, meek behavior by the woman is often calculated decision-making.

Final Note

My husband has many deficits but he is clean in that aspect.

I remember when we were getting to know each other at 25. I wasn’t sure to trust, and he was saying, “I’m 25, do I have the time and energy for all these things? I just want to settle down.” Well, promises are broken too, a lot. I guess, he has other worries, like how to keep the family afloat in these uncertain financial times etc., to worry about those things.

But I have seen enough of such emotional abuses around me to be moved to tears as I write this.

Life is short, and everyone deserves true love and honesty, not betrayal. Many men stray not because something is lacking in the wife, but because they got opportunity to cheat, crave thrill, settle score on her, want to boost their ego, or have unresolved internal issues.

Let me tell you, you may be top-notch liars, most women have intuition to sniff such things. Her brain’s alarm buzzes at she is dealt with deception.

Not every woman has a strong parental family or legal support system to return to. So, many of them make difficult choices of staying in a hurting relation, for their safety, dignity, and children’s well-being. These choices deserve respect, not criticism.

I had seen a TED Talk about abusive marriage that said, “Go a few steps in her shoes, and then open your mouth.” I completely agree.

As for me, irrespective of looks and job descriptions, I respect men who speak good things about their wives.

Put your family first. Empower your woman. Banish temptations.

Men, leave a legacy guided by your moral compass. Repair it, if it’s broken.