Why Having "Good Intentions" May Slowly Be Crushing Your Relationships

Her heart dropped as soon as she pulled the vibrating iPhone from her back pocket because she already knew.

She answered the Facetime call, and I could faintly hear her dad's voice.

I also saw tears well up in her eyes as she tried to casually wipe them away, and she said softly, "You're always sorry afterward, but you never show up, dad."

Lana was one of my besties in high school, and that afternoon we were sitting in the library when "the usual" call came in from her dad.

It never got better. She didn't think it ever would. Her dad always had "good intentions," but in the end, it was always a longer than normal phone call, an appointment that ran late, or some other lousy excuse as to why he missed the event or another soccer game. It seemed like she was getting older, and time was just continuously passing by without her dad there for any of it.

And she felt the same sinking feeling that she always did when he called.

I know Lana loved her dad, but the sadness on her face must have been evident because his voice was soft as he spoke. "I'll be there next time for sure though, pumpkin," he said with a smile in his voice.

She forced a smile back through the phone screen.

I'm not sure what happened with Lana and her pop. We lost touch after high school graduation, but I do "see" her sometimes on Facebook.

And now I'm a dad. A father. And I never forgot those calls and the way she felt after them. It's made me more conscious of not only what I say but the actions I strive to take.

I intend to be a way better dad to my kids than Lana's dad was to her.

Yeah, that's my intention.

You see, many of us have intentions that are not fulfilled.

You know what I mean. We start something and then stop or quit - but we always say that our intentions were good. Or do something wrong and use "good intentions" as the lame excuse.

At times, I've done this myself with intentions as poor excuses for doing things wrong or stopping too soon.

It doesn't apply solely to parenting. It applies to our jobs, to the promises we give our friends, and especially to the things we tell ourselves, in the mirror, that we're going to accomplish. Especially on New Year's Eve.

Intentions.

Even the way the word rolls out of your mouth feels foreboding. Like the simple act of thinking it into existence is the first step to failing, but of course, having good intentions along the way. Heck, even as I type it, I feel a little let down.

So then we try to correct the failure like missing a game, picking the wrong color, or not showing up because of a late client, with an even stronger intention. We say that "next time will be different, you just watch and see little buckaroo." You might even add an internal fist pump, so it feels better inside.

And the cycle begins anew.

But intentions can be a trap. You see, the road to redemption from failed intentions is paved with more good'ish intentions. This means you'll simply find yourself stacking good (and failed) intentions on top of more gooder (and likely failed again) intentions.

So how do we avoid this "good intention" trap?

How do we actually come through and do what we say we'll do when we say we'll do it?

The road to redemption is paved with good'ish intentions, right?

And so we try again under the guise of "stronger" intentions, promising to be better this time, better in the process. Good intentions are killing our progress because intentions are just thoughts without action. We need to act on them.

Here are just a few ways to actually follow through on intentions that we set and say.

Write it down

If you don't write your intentions, they're just thoughts that can be forgotten easily.

It's a step in the right direction and will help keep yourself accountable for what you said or thought about doing. It's also nice because then other people know where you stand on things too (a lot of intentions that we have our intentions to do good, right?

Put them on a sticky note, slap them on the bathroom mirror, let it be your screensaver, but write it down for Pete's sake.

Get a friend on board

It's easy for intentions to be forgotten when you're alone in the process and with no one else there reminding you or holding you accountable.

We'll let ourselves down more quickly than if another human is involved.

But if someone is involved who also wants it done, then it becomes so much easier because they'll put some pressure on you and push through any hurdles that come up. This can help you overcome anything from setbacks (e.g., client missed deadline) to sheer laziness. The accountability factor will increase as well, which means less intention failing.

Use technology like apps or websites

Technology such as these has been proven time and again to be incredible intention makers.

Some simple examples are a digital calendar that has reminders built into it. Of course, you can get more complex, but we usually have lots going on, so keep it simple.

We can track our progress, what we're doing wrong/correcting, and even where we want to go in the future. It's a great way to keep an eye on your intentions because you'll have them at your fingertips!

Make time for it

I know that sounds like a no-brainer, but sometimes intentions are put off until later when other things get in the way or become the priority over something else - and then "later" never comes around again, so they don't happen at all.

But suppose you make time for intentions, even to the point of scheduling them. In that case, they will actually stick better than any of those good'ish intentions.

Remember, it's not about "having the time." It's about "making the time" for the things that matter most.

Don't do anything before first checking in with yourself

First, you need to ask yourself: why am I doing this?

We all have intentions that we think about but never actually do anything with. We say it in the mirror, to our spouse, or on a blog post - but those intentions are just thoughts without actions, and they're killing your progress.

So why are you doing it?

If you don't know, then it's likely going to fall into that pit of "I meant to do it but…" because if there is no deeper set "why" behind an action, then intentions will be killed by failure.

Know your limits before setting intentions

You might feel like you want something so bad, and as the ball starts rolling, the realization hits.

"I have no idea how to even get this done."

This can take the form of a project at work that one is eager to take on, then later realizing that the skillset isn't something you have to complete the job.

Don't make excited, intentional promises that you know you can't keep. Know your limits and be honest about them.

Stand up for your intentions/commit to them

Perhaps you have an intent to spend time with your kids this Saturday.

Then something emerges. Maybe work, it could be a buddy calls and needs something, might be almost anything, to be honest.

You're then faced with the choice of how important are your original intentions. And if they are essential, then dammit, stand up for them. Honor them. Give them the respect and drive they need and commit! You have to commit because they're only as good as the person who says them out loud (or writes them down).

Draw a line in the stand and stand firm.

The bottom line is intentions are just thoughts without action, so we need a way around this "good intention" trap where our progress is killed by all of these intentions that will never come true. Good'ish intentions that we let slip are killing us, people.

The final word

Here's a quick recap for those that like nice little bows on their gifts.

1. Write intentions down and review them daily.
2. Get someone else involved in the process, so intentions are remembered or fulfilled.
3. Use technology like apps/websites that keep track of intentions for you (including journaling websites).
4. Set time aside to complete intentions, don't put things off!
5. Don't make promises on your intentions that you know you won't follow through with.
6. Stand up for your intentions when others support their own ideas more than yours.
7. Finally, have fun with it!

And remember, your bad intentions and failure to follow through may often be more than about you.

You may be setting up your little girl for letdowns in life.

#DoWhatYouSay