Why Are You So Mean?

As humans, it is almost impossible to withhold a first judgement on someone. It's something our brains do automatically from years of conditioning and influence, that we look at someone and within seconds we think we have them all figured out. And unfortunately for most, that first judgement that could be completely false, is the only thing they will associate you with and cancel you for on arrival. I was homeschooled for the first half of my youth, and you would have thought that that flaw would have been dismembered more due to the fact everyone being hippies, peace, love, and everyone wanting best for their kids.

No.

My family had moved to Arizona from California. I was excited and happy to see my new friends and excited to show them anything new I was into: from wearing big sun glasses, rocking colored wristbands for the aesthetic, to being very eager towards learning and asking questions. Not only was I the youngest of the crew I was also the new kid. Everyone already seemed established and knew where they belonged - isn't that always the case? If I knew being myself was going to be the pinnacle of my existence in everyone else's life, I would have stayed home - "Big eyes," "Horse fly," "Walking STD," and my so-called-friends sneezing as they walked by because they claimed to be allergic to stupid people; they were backlashes I dealt with too soon and I tried to get help.

"Don't be so sensitive then." - Friends.

"Don't cry, you will just give them more reason." - My Best Friend.

"It's your fault they continue if you choose to fight back." - Bully's Mother.

No one understood my cries or understood how traumatic and influential everything was to me, I eventually stopped asking. I began to grow up with the mentality that you should never show a sign of weakness or else you will get butchered. And after the 5th time, riding home crying silently in the backseat, I knew if they weren't going to change I needed to. I started to stand my ground and talk back in nasty like a warrior who's had enough. I was becoming one of them and I thought I was finally accepted, I couldn't understand why I started to get left out of things. I didn't know everyone started to hate me for their same projections by the time I was 12 years old, I felt like I only had my best friend to lean on.

"You're too mean." - Friends.

"It's okay, you can rant to me." - My Best Friend.

"You weren't invited to this, this, and this because no one likes how mean you are." - Bully's Mother.

Moving into the end of my pre-teens everyone knew who I was, and I knew who I was in the moment of knowing who I was. I didn't care if they invited me or not. I became the witty one, I smirked at my reflection as a reaction to my own thoughts, and it turned into burning anyone who stood in my way long enough. (Sorry Wyatt.) I was happy with who I was. However, It was just me and my best friend and it started to feel like I was out-growing them. I discovered a new world where I could reinvent myself further and I wanted to stop fighting so hard. I decided to attend school.

I felt lucky enough my Mom allowed me to make the transition. Someone who I barely talked to throughout the years made my acquaintance again. She talked in wonder about the middle school she was attending. It seemed even perhaps a lot of those kids you saw in the background, was also attending this school. Maybe they were all running away too. With a lot of convincing and careful emotion placed, before I knew it I was sitting, face to face with my soon-to-be advisor taking a writing test for 8th grade.

"Welcome! I think you will fit in great here." - My Advisor.

"Hey, what's your name? I love your bracelets, and your jeans!" - New Friends.

"We push our students here because we want them to be great and learn how to stand up for themselves; face your fears." - Co-Principles.

It felt like I had entered into the real hippie school. The real peace and love, the real support system that was automatically given to me, and above all, my real friends. My attitude changed and I became a more happier person. And as I compared both lifestyles in that moment, I never wanted to go back.

Though, if they did invite me out, I made the effort to go. I figured showing up only by invite made those memories more enjoyable. I was happier and we were all getting along with who we became, everyone seemed to forget about who we were. I got a boyfriend who was definitely worse-for-wear, and my best friend welcomed the idea that I could be in both realities. However, I could not shake the gut wrenching feeling of something bad was happening in the background, and I couldn't put my finger on it for the longest time.

"Hey, I have to tell you something."

"Oh? What is it?"

"It's bad and I feel like you should finally know." I was getting annoyed with his suspense.

"Out with it."

"Your current best friend in the homeschool group, she hasn't been your friend for a long time. Did you know she's been talking bad about you behind your back?"

"What? No... when did it start? Are you talking since middle school?"

"Around there, maybe a few years before that." And with those words, everything fell into place.

It was a face-shattering realization that the one person who was your shoulder, your ear to borrow, and someone who wasn't always perfect but you loved them because they were still there for you, was the sole cause for the strive you endured all those years. I said thank you and hung up. I took way too long to process, and probably stayed stuck on it longer than I should have with my mentalities. I confronted her about it indirectly and she shoved my face into the wall, yelling to keep my eyes closed.

"What would she say?"

"Because you wore those bracelets younger, she set the stage to make you out as a whore."

"A whore? As if that's an insult." I laughed a little, not wanting to know if it was worse than that.

"She called you a walking STD, and that because you don't date anyone long enough, it's because you slept with their friends."

"Oh? So, just sleeping around with anyone I can get my hands on."

"Yes, in blunt terms."

"Was that all?"

"Do you really want to know?"

"No.."

I felt betrayed in so many ways, though, relieved in another. My gut felt lighter for once and it made my decision firm to finally attend high school. I didn't disassociate that easy. I wanted to know why the sudden betrayal, for so long too, and I knew if I stuck around long enough the truth would present itself. I used this as leverage and I walked in seeking a fresh start. I found my happy personality and my sweet respectful tone because, I no longer needed to fight. The school I attended was the sister school of my middle school and as I walked from the bus stop, nothing but excitement ran through me

Ironically enough, that didn't last long because, on September 10th, I discovered immediately some of those same, harsh bullies beat me to it and my so-called best friend knew all along. "Here we go again." I thought.