Why am I not enough?

The rock music is blasting and pulsing through my veins. It’s the only way to shake the thoughts that you’ve transplanted inside my head. I’m replaying the conversation over and over again in my head. I’m asking myself is this partially my fault? You couldn’t even believe it was me saying these things. Was it so out of character for me? I think back to all our old conversations and how I used to view sex. Maybe before I knew I loved you I was ok with it. With you sleeping with other women. But now the thought of your lips touching somebody else’s and you being inside somebody else, makes me sick to my stomach.

I don’t believe I’m asking for a lot. It seems you think I am. l’m just shell shocked from our conversation. You said goodnight to me yesterday. You ended it with “love ya”. You’ve been telling me you love me for the first time. But how? How could you love me and have eyes for other women? You told me there’s always some feelings there with the girls you sleep with. How could you have feelings for somebody else? I keep reiterating in my mind “How does he love me?”. We have to be physically apart right now. You are an addict, you need to get your shit straight first. But emotionally we can be together. But do you see how you’re treating this situation? How you are treating me? I’m sticking by you. Loving you through the pain and emptiness of your addiction. I’m supporting you through your journey of a battle that feels never ending. Staying with you even while you suffer. Trying to take away your pain and just always love you. I’ll be there for you while you are in rehab. I’ll come to the therapy sessions. How can I stick by you and fight for you if my emotional love isn’t enough for you right now? I’m not enough to make you happy. I’m supporting you through the worst time of your life. I’m being that only light at the end of your dark tunnel. And that’s not enough for you. It’s only enough if you can have me emotionally and sleep with women who apparently fill something for you that I can’t. Because like I said, I’ve just never been enough for you. Your logicality behind the situation can’t be rationalized. What you want to do and are asking to do is off putting and just simply not okay. How could you ask a woman to love you throughout your addiction and stay with you until you get clean, but tell her you need to sleep with other women in the mean time? I told you my brother waited until marriage to make love to his now wife. A whole year he went without sex. And look at me it’s been two years. Since I fell in love with you, I can’t bring myself to be intimate with somebody else. I guess I was the dumb one though. It’s not hard to be faithful. Distance doesn’t make it harder. Time doesn’t. When you truly love somebody you would wait as long as you needed to then to risk losing that person. And the morose truth is, if you really loved me you wouldn’t be able to be with other women. It would be traumatizing. The pain of constantly wishing it was me would end up being too hard to bare. You said you are okay with me pursuing other guys. I should’ve seen the red flag from the beginning. You never get upset by other men. You never get jealous. And maybe it’s because you know you can’t. Because you are with other girls. So you tell yourself you have no right. Or maybe it’s just the feelings aren’t there. They just never were. There’s a danger in you pushing me to pursue other men. A danger that doesn’t concern you. Because you are not concerned that you could lose me. I keep reiterating all the thoughts in my head. And as the rock music continues pulsing through my veins, making me feel alive in a time you’ve made me feel dead and alone. I answer my own question. You just don’t love me. Definitely not how I love you. You had a choice and you made your decision. You decided which one meant more to you. You’ve prioritized meaningless sex over my love. And my love was unconditional. I wish missing me was so painful that you’d be celibate for a year just to be with me, because you couldn’t take the pain anymore of me being gone. I just don’t know how to matter that much to you. How can I be something you miss?