White Lies

Last night, one of my girlfriends had asked me about how I view lies.

I don't agree with lying, but I have lied before... so, I am not perfect. But, I try to avoid lies.

"What about white lies?" she asked, with what I am going to call curiosity.

White lies are hard for me to explain. Typically though? No, I don't even do white lies. Lies for me have only a single reason to occur: to protect someone who needs protection.

I had an experience where I was informed that it was simply minding my own business and an appropriate "white lie" to not tell an acquaintance that I saw her partner kissing someone ... who was not her. I didn't follow social protocol and she was so angry at me. She blamed me for causing a rift, but... I hadn't caused the rift - he did. And she stayed with him, but I was no longer welcome around them. I never understood that because... if someone is cheating, then you aren't being a real friend or a decent person by not letting the other, faithful partner know. Maybe... that is just my opinion though.

However, wouldn't it do a great deal more damage to have stayed silent, and as the truth eventually comes out in the end, her to find out that I knew that there was that very high chance that he'd end up getting another woman pregnant and didn't tell her? Why was what I did seen as a bigger betrayal than the latter? Or... would they both have likely ended the same way: with the loss of someone that I was starting to care about?

What about when a friend asks: does this dress look alright on me? The friend is excited, but the dress is not them at all! It is atrocious - and does not make them look anywhere near "alright." The socially appropriate response is yep! But, if it truly is bad... she will find out - and know that you lied. Why is that alright? To allow her, a friend, to embarrass herself when she had trusted you enough to ask for your opinion? Now... here's the catch: if I simply don't like the dress, but it looks alright, then yes, I agree that my job is to tell her that it looks great on her - not necessarily because of the dress, but because that excitement? That makes anyone shine in pure beauty! *smile*

Then there are outright lies that I personally have made:

The woman whose bruised eye was mostly hidden behind her sunglasses... whose partner didn't want her to leave his sight... I manufactured a sob story about just getting my period (perk of looking young...) and that I didn't know what to do and needed help. He didn't like the added attention and sent her to help me out in the bathroom. I helped her make the call. I hope that she didn't go back to him. I disappeared into the chaos that followed once she was safely with EMT's. I was strangely happy when he left in the back of the squad car yelling about the bratty teenager who needed to learn how to mind her own business... many have tried to teach me that lesson mister... many have tried - and failed spectacularly! I'm not sorry for lying that time.

The lies that I told after being informed by a social worker that if I reported violence within my own home, that my children would be ripped from me and placed in foster care. Nope, nothing to see here. My special needs son didn't need that trauma on top of everything else that I was trying to shield him from & I could have really used knowing that there were programs to help support us if I had left sooner without any of the things that I had built equity in, but... maybe it was meant to be the way it was/is. I left without help from social workers - and the day I finally made that ever so difficult choice to leave, that same social worker responded with: "why would you do this? You shouldn't have!"

The lie about where a friend was when her ex showed up yelling and drunk.

The lies about my injuries... and the lies that I was safe at home...

The lies about whether or not I had cash stashed anywhere when a purchase was wanted - not needed - and he had ran out of money again.

The lies about no one knowing that it was getting really bad again.

The lies that it wasn't as bad as it was...

The lie about hanging out with friends the day I spent at the advocacy center terrified of saying as much as I did say - which was only scratching the surface.

I was a pretty good liar... at least I think I was... or maybe? Maybe I wasn't and it was a social protocol to let me be and to let me try to make my own decisions? I was so thankful for the few professionals who let me know that I shouldn't lose my children despite what that social worker said!

But... most lies? Whether white or not, they have no purpose other than to cause pain. The pain might be delayed, but delayed pain often comes at a greater cost in the end.

I can't take it back when I finally dare to trust someone with "I love you" because... if they don't want me to love them, then delaying the pain of the farewell is just so much worse!

I don't like it when I see anyone else lie. White or not, unless it is going to directly protect someone, it is just wrong.

As I've explained to my kids: Santa Claus being real to some kids isn't a lie per say, because everyone is allowed their own beliefs and forcing our beliefs on others is wrong. Same thing with the actual answer to the question: "where does my taco meat come from?" Some things it is up to the parent's to tell their children - not my children's job to educate their peers because that is simply... going to end badly for everyone involved. Maybe that is a good explanation for the dress example too?

Complete honesty in regards to a personal opinion being applied forcefully is simply cruelty.

Sparing someone's feelings in the moment and merely delaying the inevitable by dishonesty is also cruel.

But, complete honesty is also very dangerous in many situations. Lying to protect those that need protection... even from feeling forced to accept my own personal beliefs... that is kindness.

What are your opinions on honesty and white lies versus outright lies? Leave a comment below!

P.S. Oh... and also, if you do choose to lie, at least try to keep your story line straight ... far too many people allow this song to ring true: