Where Do I Belong?

In one of my articles which was a Top Story (Aging With Grace) I talked about how life changes after the age of 50, and I touched on the frustration of retirement life. Today I feel like ranting about the frustration of boredom and loneliness and isolation that many endure as they attempt to "age with grace".

Pain and Change are a part of life that can not be avoided. Accepting that makes one wiser and makes life a little more manageable. However, being graceful about getting old or finding the grace within oneself in retirement life, is a very challenging or tricky goal to achieve.

If you've already had and gotten past your "mid-life crisis" and/or if you've already had and gotten past your "identity crisis", then you are where I find myself at this point. It's not a panic about how much time we have left, or a panic about who we are or how we are, it's simply residual frustration of the continuum of living after accepting certain defeats, limitations, and careful introspections. The panic attacks lesson as the questions change from "Who am I?" or "What should I do?" to "Why am I still here?" and "What now?"

Regular living frustrations occur at any age or stage such as relationship difficulties, financial stress, or maintenance issues. But in "retirement life" there is a new additional source of annoyance. When young people (those before the age of 50, in my opinion) talk about being "bored" I just roll my eyes. They have no idea about the real pains and depths of boredom because most of them still have their excellent health and lots of time to win, lose, achieve, expand, explore, climb, fall, etcetera. They still have the ability to do anything on the monkey bars that they choose. So us "over the hill" folks listening to them complain about boredom as we sit on the bench watching them do anything with all of their God-given abilities, is a bit ridiculous, but we forgive them for saying that since they are too young to understand how ridiculous the statement is.

Yesterday I decided that I don't want to spend my money at the bar or pub anymore. It's a wise decision for me, but leaves a gaping hole of boredom and a new pursuit of "Where do I go now?" when I'm bored, lonely, or just want to get out of the house for awhile. When I'm home, I have plenty of ways to entertain myself. After the cleaning or the cooking for myself, I can watch television, I can play video games, I can write a poem or a story on the internet. I'm not bored at home, but after awhile the isolation and redundancy gets boring. In the cool weather, I can break it up with a nice walk or gardening, but for the most part the endless summer weather of Florida does not allow me to partake in much outdoor activity. So, What Now?

I had to accept that I'm unwanted for part-time employment. Every "Now Hiring" sign that I saw in a window, I inquired about. After many applications and attempts and interviews, I had to accept that nobody wants my disabled part-time offering. So I can't fill my need for a change of scene or my desire for some extra cash with a part-time job. That took me about 4 years to accept. I kept banging my head against the wall stubbornly and super frustrated thinking that a part-time job was the only answer.

Then I decided to become a Bar Fly. I love singing and dancing (though I think I'm better at singing) so I drove around looking for pubs with karaoke or dancing or something like that. Karaoke is still very fun to me, however Bar Fly life isn't very compatible to my personality. I have found places where I can smoke my cigarettes so that was a plus. Yet, I'm not really a drinker. I like the buzz of a good alcoholic beverage, and I even like the taste of some fruity or creamy mixed drink, but I don't like being so drunk that I could be careless enough to destroy my life or someone else's life. The only way to be a safe Bar Fly Drunk, is to employ Taxi, Uber, or Lyft transportation, unless you can walk to and from the bar. Yet a 50 plus woman getting drunk at a nearby bar and walking home alone is not "aging with grace" therefore the Bar Fly Drunk option is NOT an option to cure my boredom and loneliness in retirement life.

So, Now What?

I still want to sing, dance, and make jokes and socialize, and get out of the house sometimes. Where? What's a 50-something retired woman supposed to do when she's trying to "age with grace"?

Big sigh. I don't know. I've been able to cure boredom at home, but not able to cure the awful feeling of lonely isolation or satisfy the desire for peaceful, responsible socializing.

I guess the question besides "Why am I still here?" or "What now?" is still "Where do I belong?"