When we go our separate ways...

We plan, together. Nice house, 2 kids. One's a girl and the other is a boy. A dog, possibly a bulldog. How funny we both fancy the same dog?! I got used to living together. He know I always leave my towel in the living room, and I always play detective to figure out where He left his socks this time. I get anygry time to time, but you know...this is how He is. He holds on to his little habits. I hold on to Him. I trust Him. I thought He trusts me too...

He is getting a little distant. What happened? There is a complete stranger next to me in the bed. In the bed that used to be ours. The light of his phone irritates my eyes, but its important to him. For me He is important. I try to get close to have a cuddle. He has such a soft skin. His smell.... No, not his parfume. It is the smell of his skin. My favourite smell. I poked him a little. Just too busy searching on the phone. He says he is exhausted and wants to chill. Only wants to 'play' with his phone...then go to sleep.

Its going like this....for a while now. We only see each other over the weekends. When there is nothing to do. He doesn't have to go to work, do shopping, wash the car or them special days when He isn't tired. Sometimes we meet in the evening, sometimes late night. But he doesn't stay at mine, got job the day after. I feel I lost myself. He is next to me, but i cannot feel him anymore. I get closer, but nothing happenes. I need him to come close. As close as two can get. He has gotta go home. I shout, scream, cry and threaten him with breaking up. What happened to me? How did I become such a b.....? But I miss him, I really do. I miss him so much I actually feel the pain. He left, and I am alone. Cannot sleep. Whole night I think about OUR memories. It gives me power to get through tomorrow. But...only memories cannot build a stable soul. I cry every night. He says he loves me, more than anything. Why I cannot feel it? Is this how our future gonna look like? Do I need to fight for his love? Is this how he loves? I have these thoughts in my mind whenever I go to sleep.

I was disappointed. Sad. What is wrong with me? What changed? He doesn't like me anymore? I was angry. For years. I was soo upset with him not loving me as much as I do love him. But he kept saying he does. He promised he will be more passionate and affectionate. But everything was so nice in the begining.... . Or was it me? Did i think more into it then it really was? It was so nice. What if I stay single? I haven't been single in 5 years. I don't even have friends anymore. All friends are common friends. My friends...I neglected them. I needed all my attention to try to repair our relationship, to help him to love me. I sacrificed everything. I cooked for him. But he was late 2 hours. By the time he got home the food was cold. I put my sexiest lingerie on that I bought from my saved money. I was planning to open the door in it, but he got tired. He is not coming. I sacrificed all my time trying to fix everything. Everything that he never even acknowledged was broken.

I am not enough for him, we don't have a future together, maybe i should just let him go. I will stay alone. Alone alone. I am not a good company, not even for myself. I am a nobody that has to fight for love and affection. I cry, i shout. When did I become this person? I lost myself. Who am I then? What am I really like? Soo tired now. My soul is tired. Cannot move. Won't be able to love anymore. Or hate. My soul is tired...forever tired.

Then comes the realization. Maybe...maybe I do worth something. Maybe it's not me. I was going forward in my life, while he was standing in the exact same spot. I tried to push him to come with me, side by side. Come with me and plan a future together. Yes, with me.

Slowly but surely I started to let him go. I don't care anymore. He ONLY contacts me when he wants to. He wants to get close now. He might feel I haven't got any more feelings for him. He wants to control. I let him. It's so nice to finally have what I have been fighting for for so many so long. I am even getting more than what i was expecting. I need happiness. But I am not giving anything more than a bare minimum to him. He needs to manage it the same way I did for years. Sex?! I don't even look into his eyes. Not even once. I am just enjoying the present. The present where I am not single yet.

But I am getting stronger. I think I had enough. It's hard to breath. I think it is over. I break up with him. I am done. He is wasting my time. We don't have a future together.

Well...he agrees. He never told me he was missing something, he never told me he isn't happy, but he agrees. I hope He knows I am serious...I mean it, everything I said...I mean it. I don't even know if I should cry at this point. He says not to worry. I will find someone who will love me more that he could, who wants to plan a future with me, who gives my confidence back. No, i don't need nobody to give me my confidence back. I have me.

He hugs me. I started crying so badly. Not because of him, but because of the CHANGE. Change is hard. We all are scared of the future. The unknown. One path became two. Then I smile because our path was gone a long time ago. I have arrived. I was alone, walking in the rain for such a long time, but do you know what?! The sun is about to come out.

That's how we became you and me.