What should have been..

Maybe she held out too much hope that she could be loved,  in a delicate way that did not crush her spirit or contain her. Maybe she thought that chivalry wasn't dead. That she could be touched so gently she would fall in love and together again instead of apart. That fingers could trail up her body and across the stories on her body written in ink,  that there would be candles and flowers combined with the strong hand around her throat. That it could be more than just sex. It could be love like she always knew love to be. That she wouldn't have to lead the dance between their bodies,  that time would evaporate in meaning, that she could fall in love and believe words spoken and promises made. That she could cling to him in the storm that is her world,  and not have to always be the strong one.

That there would be holding hands and coffee dates. Cuddling beneath the blanket with His body wrapped around her in a protective shield,  that He would take the lead and meant the words He said about making love to her. That there would be a lingering residue left from them that he craved so much he couldn't let go. That she was still beautiful and magic enough to have it be real and not have it leave her drained and daunted. That he would erase the last three years of pain with tender loving care. That there would not ever be another first kiss. That tears wouldn't fall caused by his callous words and broken promises. That she could belong to someone again. That she could be the one seduced,  and let the walls around her heart crumble to a place where love did not mean punishment and pain. That she could be loved without question and safe from anymore pain.

That was what I had seen in my mind as we made plans not to be exiled further away from my normal. To sit,  laugh and people watch together only hours after we had made love. That words were not cheap things thrown around in moments of longing..that there could be passion and fire along with kisses on the forehead. When you held me,  for a moment I believed in a happily ever after,  an end to the chaos.   I believed you would always find me like Prince Charming did Snow White. That there was a future with laughing and things being easy. I believed in miracles of normalcy,  of having you by my side,  that things would be my normal,  where there could be an us ,  a life we created and justice. Where I could be weak and not have to do it all alone ..where there was once pain and tears there could be kisses and passion mixed in romantic moments of bliss beyond just the bed. Where t shirts became lingerie. A bubble of stolen moments in between work and being an adult. Where I was your siren leading you not to rocks,  but to home. Where tears would be wiped away with your thumb and kisses super glued broken pieces of my soul together. A perfect harmony of love,  lust and home. A place where the translation of words is not mistaken,  and forever is made every day. Where bruise are doctored and wounds healed,  and promises are not broken. The beginning of dreams not a nightmare. A place where there are not consequences but a blissful bubble of love . Pleasure where we can just be who we are without pretense or fear,  where playful kisses turn to you holding me against the bed and sighs of relief from the world turn to whispers of incoherent passion. So close to perfect that everyone gazes upon us as if we are the chosen couple. A balance of bliss and passion entwined with harmony.

These things have faded from the world time and time again when all she could do was crave them. She craved mornings with kisses and chocolate chip pancakes, and afternoon visits just because that ended in stolen moments forever an imprint on space and time, where there are not memories of tragedy but of life. You changed everything, not me but how I saw the world and then you shattered it again.

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