What "Me" am I now

I have been listening to recorded meditations that ask me to repeat positive statements, and they all begin with "I". This has, for many years, felt wrong. I couldn't have explained why. But, "I am beautiful", "I am resilient", "I am capable", bounced around inside and felt false. The part that needed to be convinced didn't believe.

Last night, as I listened and repeated the words, the narrator said something about allowing the words to touch the oldest parts of my psyche, and tears came to my eyes. That youngest part of me was the part that didn't believe.

She's not alone, though. The child, the teen, the young woman, the mother, the teacher, the actor, and finally the old woman that I am, all those layers of myself didn't believe the positive affirmations, though I think the most fundamental one, the foundation for all the others, is the young child in me. Francie.

She's the most frightened, the one that curls into a ball of sadness and tries to escape when any hint of anger, disappointment, or the withdrawal of love seems imminent.

She's the one that began to eat in hiding to self soothe. She's the one that wanted to be treasured, loved, valued, and she's the one that learned that she had to earn that love. A task that she failed at time and time again.

She's the one that found escape in books and Disney records and playing dress-up...the best disappearing act a kid could want. She's the one that taught all the other versions of myself these lessons, and the lessons were reinforced by the outside world.

I know, we've all heard the "Heal your inner child" stuff. I worked on some of the hardest and darkest issues in therapy, so I assumed that was a healing process. It was, but it didn't address something deeper, darker and harder to reach. The self worth of a child is a fragile, wispy thing to find in oneself, especially when her best defense is to be out of sight because she was "too much". Too emotional, too silly, too loud, too happy, too naughty, too sneaky, too talkative. I would add "too fragile", though it was seen as "weakness", and sometimes mocked.

All the traits that didn't work in real life worked on stage, though. All the feelings could be expressed, all those passions had an outlet. And at 13 years old, I found a place that let it happen, and shared being "too, too" with a bunch of other kids that were the same as me. Bless them. Bless that place. They gave me stepping stones of performing throughout my life. Bright spots of pure joy, complete release and acceptance.

But there was still real life, and when I didn't have a show, the parts of me that thrived and shone had to be put away. The rest of me had to stay in the forefront, and the rest of me has been a shy, strange, shattered, mended, broken, rebuilt and shameful being as long as I can remember. Work harder, be better, earn that love. No? Shame. Try again. Failed? Shame.

Now I stand on the edge of a huge change that has needed focused affirmations so I can make it through each day. Focused intentions to keep my mind from spinning and my heart from breaking.

Last night, after realizing what part of me was lost and unbelieving, I imagined the individual parts of me and welcomed them to be a part of this work. Because I can love them, all, with open arms. Without question or condition. The child, the teen, the young woman, the mother, the teacher, the actor, the old woman. I can love them all and we can use the words of affirmation as a balm.

As crazy as it might sound, I think the affirmations have to be "We" to make it resonate inside. We are beautiful. We are resilient. We are capable. Little Francie and all the rest.