What It’s Really Like To Have Never Had A Relationship

Meet Alex*. 

He's a very dear friend of mine, whose name I've changed for the sake of this relationship. Whilst his name might be fake, nothing about his story and experiences are. So in advance, we should all thank Alex for his insights.

Alex describes himself as pre-middle-aged. He recently turned thirty-five and has never had a relationship. Ever.

Sure, he's dated, but never entered into a relationship with anyone enough to call them a boyfriend or girlfriend. Or bring them home to meet anyone.

When I asked his friends if they had ever seen Alex with a partner, most of them said no. 

One or two said they had seen him hook up with someone on a drunk night out. And one friend very honestly stated they had no idea if Alex was into boys or girls. 

Because he never talked about his love life.

He's a mystery.

The biggest gripe Alex has with the world today is the perception of singles. He lives the war between the singles and those in a relationship. 

He sees how blind many of those in a relationship are to what it's like to have never dated, by both choice and circumstance.

Or how the view of singles shifts once you're no longer one.

He wanted you to know what his life is like; single, and having never known otherwise.

Bedroom mysteries that aren't so mysterious

I had to laugh when my discussion with Alex began with sex. Doesn't everything good in life begin with sex? 

He acknowledged that anyone hunting for a partner is looking for someone who knows their moves in the bedroom. They want someone "good". We both agreed not to get bogged down by the definition of good.

We did come to a consensus, though. A person with sexual experience is better than someone without.

But Alex, despite being single, isn't inexperienced in the bedroom. He's not a virgin, nor has been through many considerable dry patches. 

It's not like he doesn't know how to get him or a partner off when the time calls for it, either.

It's not that Alex doesn't have sex, he says. It's just he doesn't know what it's like to have relationship sex. He admits to not knowing with complete certainty:

• What sex would mean to a committed couple
• What sex frequency is like between a couple
• What sex can do to help or hinder committed couples
• What it's like to have sex with the same person for a long stretch of time
• What it's like to only want to have sex with one person rather than keeping your options open
• What it's like for sex to become an issue between two people

Romantic novels and cliched romantic movies with unforgettable sex scenes aren't much of an education. But Alex doesn't admit to feeling bamboozled by the glorified version of relationship sex. Or even the experience of the couples he knows.

Alex is very well aware of his experience status. He's not an idiot.

Is his lack of couple sex experience a bad thing?

This is a subjective question. 

Alex is aware someone like him might be super appealing because he doesn't have anyone to compare to. He comes into a relationship lacking any prejudice or expectation.

He knows the flip side, though. Serial relationship addicts can only see him as a liability. If he doesn't have the experience, he won't make them happy.

Alex knows he can't please everyone. Some will love his lack of experience, others will hate it.

Do you know what you want? Really, really want? 

When looking for a partner, Alex knows what he wants. He's not an alien without basic wants and needs. 

Some people think that because he hasn't been in a relationship, he has no grasp of what he is looking for. But he knows.

He shared many of the same wants for a partner I once had (I'm married and I got what I wanted). He said things like:

• Someone who is kind
• Someone who makes him laugh
• Someone who wants to build the same type of life together
• Someone who accepts and respects his decisions in life
• Someone who loves as hard as he does

I couldn't argue with this list at all. In many ways, it doesn't matter how much experience you have, you still want these things. 

Perhaps you want a little harder on one area, or you have more deal breakers from past lovers you don't want to relive.

But just because Alex hadn't a relationship didn't mean he could come up with an emotionally intelligent list.

What about the details?

Alex did acknowledge that if there were little things he didn't love about a partner, he wouldn't know to look for them at first.

His lack of experience makes it harder for him to spot red flags. And find more green in the early stages.

Yet, at least he doesn't come to a relationship with baggage which means he rejects people before they even had a chance. He can see people for who they are without prejudice.

Are you the student right now?

So I went straight for the kill with Alex. I asked him something he hadn't thought about. 

I asked him whether he was content being the student in a relationship with someone.

There was a noteworthy assumption about my question I must clarify. It would imply that the person he ends up dating has more experience than him. If the person he dated had the same amount of experience has him, this would be a moot issue.

Alex pondered my question. He couldn't deny there would be an imbalance between him and his partner. His partner would know things about how to have a relationship that the partner would eventually have to teach him. 

Along with the sex in a relationship we spoke about earlier, there would be things like:

• How to consider someone else in the majority of your decision making
• How to switch off his single life
• How to compromise on areas of life
• How to combine two established lives
• How to balance social, work and a relationship

Would he always be the student? 

I reasoned that perhaps after some time, he would no longer be the student. He would learn quickly enough how these things work. 

But the imbalance might be what kills the relationship first.

Some people don't want to have to teach their partner how to be a partner. Even if it's not teaching in school and student way, some people don't have the emotional energy to go through this.

It's not that people with no experience are hard to deal with. Far from it.

It's a preference in how you want your relationship to progress. It would surely be more challenging than if it were between two people with the same experience. 

Not always though. There are no guarantees.

I did point out that Alex could grow tired of the imbalance, too. He could always feel like his experienced partner is taking advantage of his 'innocence', in this scenario.

Or they can always twist things in their favour, saying this is the way things happen in relationships. 

Even when they aren't.

Aren't you worried about missing out?

Alex is constantly asked whether he feels left out. He's out of the relationship club. He's nowhere near graduating that part of his life, let alone even enrolling as a student.

These are actual concerns people in his life have shared with him. They genuinely believe his single status should concern him.

He has to laugh. Missing out is a subjective feeling. You can't miss out on something you haven't wanted.

You can't feel envious of something you've never pinned to have in the first place.

And you can't feel left out when you're not really searching for it. 

He's never tried to find the relationship people think he should have by now. If he's never tried to find it, never worked for it, how can he complain that he doesn't have it?

Alex wants to end the war between singles and those in a relationship. 

But it has to start with ending the idea a relationship is something you have to have in life. Or that relationships are something we achieve, like graduating from school. 

The rites of passage we once admired no longer exist in our modern society. 

Some people in relationships already know this. Some singles do too.

Yet society, as a whole, is still catching up on this one. He holds out hope it will change. 

But he doubts it will happen anytime soon.

---

If you enjoy this article, leave me a tip, follow me or even share my work on your socials! Any support for me would be appreciated 💜