What It's Really Like Dating a Man 20+ Years Older Than You

I suppose there are a number of reasons Greg and I may attract attention; he's 6'5, and covered in tattoos. We're loud and obnoxious and like to make out in public (sorry mom). And, of course, he's 22 years older than me.

When we first met I was 23 years old; I had literally just finished my degree, and was working in a trendy but terrible bar to save for my trip to Europe. Meanwhile, Greg was 45, owned a fairly successful tattoo shop, and had two ex-wives.

Match made in heaven, am I right?

While I'm the first to admit that there are a number of cliches happening here, the relationship that ensued was not what I expected. Things went pretty quickly from casual to serious, and next thing I knew I was googling statistics on successful age gap marriages. Unfortunately, they are not promising. Nevertheless, we forged on, falling deeply in love at an alarming speed. While I still technically had my own place (a room in a massive old student house, which had recently been infiltrated by squirrels), I spent every night with Greg. He asked me to move in within a few months, and though I refused we both knew his place was now my home.

Dating someone so much older than me was, quite frankly, easier than I expected it to be. While I thought there would be challenges to face, dirty looks to confront, and complicated relationship hurdles to leap, things felt natural and easy from the start. Of course there difficult times, but there were also lots of perks; Greg isn't rich by any means, but he makes a good living, and enjoys spending his money on nice dinners and - now that I'm in the picture - even nicer shoes. He has plenty of interesting and successful friends, all of whom seemed happy to accept us as a couple, and who inspire me to do better. Also he, not being a millennial, is happy to call the thai place to put in our take out order.

More than that, I consider myself lucky to have found someone that checks all of my boxes. Was I really going to let an age gap get in the way of having the relationship I want? It may sound unlikely, but the two of us have plenty in common if you can overlook the different ages (and heights). He likes punk music and cooking and vintage fashion; we garden together and go for walks; we like to read and watch horror movies and listen to old jazz. I would have to be crazy to let him get away.

And yes, there are cons, too.

It's tough being with someone who has so much history - especially when they've made some troubling choices in the past (I mean, who really wants to be the 25 year old third wife?). It's strange to go through something for the first time, and know that the person you're with has done it before. I have truly had to make his past has nothing to do with me a mantra, because the urge to constantly compare is horrible for our relationship.

Sometimes we fight about things that couples who are the same age don't have to worry about. I worry that he's looking down on me, or that he thinks he's smarter than I am just because he's older. He gets frustrated with my millennial politics, and worries that I'm too trusting.

I still find myself warning people before they meet him - "just so you know, he's old, ha ha haaaa". While he insists that he doesn't think anything of our age difference, I get nervous meeting his friends because I don't want them to think of me as naive or "just some dumb girl". Sometimes I worry people don't take us seriously as a couple. I wonder what I would think if I saw us walking down the street.

The most difficult part by far has been my family; while most of them were fairly supportive and accepting, my mother has still not come around after two years. Part of the reason, I'm sure, is that because we all live so far apart (and thanks to the pandemic of course) and she hasn't met him yet - I'm hoping when she sees us together she will realize that we love each other and are mostly just like any other couple. However, I've also realized that she will never fully be on board, and that has been hard to come to terms with. We were always close, but there's no denying that my choice to be with Greg has driven a bit of a wedge between us. It's a hard thing to overcome, because talking about it bothers her, and not talking about it makes her suspicious.

Nonetheless, I'm grateful for the evolution in our relationship - the conflict has taught me a lot about myself, my mother, and what it means to be an adult. I've learned to set boundaries, and to do what makes me happy instead of worrying what other people will think.

I never expected to be in a serious relationship by my mid-twenties, especially one like this. I always thought that getting into a relationship meant giving up the things you wanted to do - now I realize that if it's the right relationship it can be exactly the push you need to do those things. Greg encourages me to work hard, to explore new things, to spend time with my friends and family, and to be creative. He is there for me through every tough time, and we celebrate the good times together too. We have a relationship built on trust, love, and communication - and that is infinitely more important than being born at a certain time.

(*psst - let's be friends! follow me on instagram at @chrxstinaking.)