What It's Like to be Gender fluid

What does it mean to be gender fluid? That’s a question I have been asking myself a lot lately. For most of my life, I have felt different, like I wasn’t quite female but also not male either. At one point, I thought that maybe I was transgender. But that didn’t quite feel right.

As a child and young teen, I can remember on multiple occasions being “mistaken” for a boy. And I remember thinking that being called a boy felt good. Sometimes. Not always. One day in middle school, my bus driver, upon picking up me and two other boys from school, said, “so where can I drop you boys off today?” I smiled but didn’t correct him. At the time, it felt right, and I liked being called a boy. The next day, he apologized to me, having realized that I was a not a boy. I told him that it was okay and that I didn’t mind. However, inside, I was questioning myself and my gender. At 14 years old and knowing very little about gender, sex, and sexual orientation, I had no idea that it was possible to be more than one gender. Or that someone could be anything other than female or male. So, while I told my bus driver that I didn’t mind being called a boy, inside I was wondering why I hadn’t been born a boy and wishing I had been, even though that wasn’t exactly what I wanted. Even today, at 31 years old, it’s hard to explain exactly what it means to be gender fluid. The best I can do is this. For me, gender is not fixed. The smallest thing, a thought, a memory, a passing idea, can cause my sense of gender to suddenly shift from female to male or from male to female. Or even from one to neither. Or to both at once. It can be just as confusing to me as I’m sure it is to the people closest to me in my life who know.

If there is one thing about being gender fluid that I wish I could change, but will never be able to, it’s that I wish I could physically change my outward self to match the gender I am feeling inside. That way, people could stop asking me what gender I feel like or how I can even be gender fluid in the first place when I love the color pink and cute things like Hello Kitty and cherry blossoms, things that most people associate with women and girls. But since I can’t physically change from female to male and back again at will, I just want people to know that a person does not have to dress a certain way, act a certain way, talk a certain way, or like certain things to be gender fluid. Girls can like blue or black and dark colors. They can play video games, and work on cars or play sports if they want to. Boys can like pink. They can bake or carry a purse or wear a dress if they want to. Gender is not something that should be confined by stereotypes. Everyone is different and has their own interests and hobbies and goals and dreams. And whether you’re male or female or both or neither, should not and does not define who you are and what you can achieve. So, go out there and live your best life. And most importantly, don’t let anyone try and stop you from doing things just because of your gender. Or who you love. Or the color of your skin. Or what religion you believe in, if any. You’re beautiful, no matter what. Don’t ever forget that.