What if?

Here I am wondering where it all went wrong. Wondering how one action led to another that put me in the predicament that I’m in today. What if I had done one thing differently? What if I had stayed home that day? What if I hadn’t responded to that text or answered that phone call? What if I hadn’t given you my number in the first place? What if I hadn’t spoken when you said hello to me? That would’ve been rude, right? What if I had just stayed on vacation a little longer? I can’t help but to think that I’m to blame for all of this. A short love story. Why did I allow you to have such control over me? Why couldn’t I tell you no? If you cared about me at all you wouldn’t put me in this position right? But you did. So does that mean you don’t care? Or does it just mean that you made a stupid decision? It doesn’t affect you any, you didn’t lose anything. It may not be anything major to you but to me it’s everything. How am I supposed to continue my everyday life without it? I guess I’ll just have to try. Keep up my daily schedule and figure it out. I’m coming home and I hope you’ve changed.I can’t lie, I like what we have but I want more. It seems impossible to tell you that face to face. Why is it so hard to tell you how I feel? When I’m with you it feels like an adrenaline rush. I feel so free. You accept me for me and I love that. You aren’t quick to judge and you’re so understanding. But you bring chaos, like a tornado. Knocking down everything in your path. And when your done destroying one persons life, you move on to the next and the cycle continues. But I love it. I love you. Let me fix you, calm you down and nurture you. Your words show that you genuinely care but your actions show something different. When you’re around certain people you treat me differently. Whenever we’re alone, you’re the sweetest man around. The way that you hold me makes me feel so secure. I guess you really know how to finesse to get what you want. I guess you just used me to your advantage. I guess your words mean nothing and still, I want to save you. Save you from the path that your on. I want to help you be a better man. Not for someone else, for me. I want to help build you up to be your better self, but this situation put things into perspective. I rushed back to you and you aren’t here. You haven’t reached out or asked about my feelings. I’m stupid. This is stupid. I know you’re no good for me. I know that you’re intentions were never pure. I know that to you, I am not enough. But on the other hand, you can’t get enough. I’ll just ask and please be direct. Do you love me? You said it once but I need to hear you say it again. I need to look into your eyes while you say it. Come here. Come over here and lay with me. Tell me about your biggest fears and why you are the way you are. Why you make things so complicated and why you straddle the fence. I’m eager to know. As the strong woman that I am, I am enough. You have issues deep down within yourself that you need to work on. As your partner it is my job to stand by you and help you. I want to see you succeed. I want you to be happy. Happy with me.Why am I worrying myself with this situation? Shouldn’t I let things unfold on their own? Why am I putting so much thought into this. Either you do or you don’t, right? You tell me what you want. I’ll act accordingly.