What did you just say?

blah blah blah blah... goats riding on Captain America... blah blah blah

Mumbling or poor hearing or both can be a fine recipe for humorous results. We’ve all been there; we’ve gotten offended or embarrassed, simply because we haven’t heard someone say something properly. I’ve seen fights start because people hear an alternative to what someone else has said.

Bust a move

I was out at a club one night with a friend. It was getting late, and the music was loud. I turned to him and said, “I’m going to bust a move, do you want a lift?” He popped up straight and started to look around, he reminded me of a meerkat. He looked back at me and said, “where?”.

A little confused, I replied, “I said I’m going to bust a move, do you want a lift?” He deflated a little and this time said, “Oh, I guess so”. But I need to know what had caused the initial response, so I asked, “what did you think I said?”. His reply, “Do you want to bust a virgin, there’s one on the left”.

That was the last time I ever offered him a lift home.

Marty A.

That would be an Easter surprise

My daughter was all excited about Easter coming up. She was now 5, and fully appreciated that Easter meant chocolate. She still believed in the Easter Bunny and all the fanfare that came with it including the bunny footprints my wife would put out for her. I looked forward to being able to steal my daughter’s chocolate while she was asleep.

One night we had just finished dinner, I was loading the dishwasher and my daughter was playing. Apparently, they had talked about Easter coming up at school that day. I will admit, I wasn’t fully paying attention when I heard my little girl say, “Dad I have to get my urethra basket ready”. Now my initial response was “Ok honey” because let’s be honest there is a lot of stuff that comes out of five-year-old girls’ mouths that doesn’t make sense. Then realizing what I thought I’d heard, I asked “Wait, what’s a urethra basket?”

The look from my wife screamed “you’re an idiot”, but instead, she said,

“Ummm, she said Easter basket!”

“Oh, that makes more sense.”

I went back to loading the dishwasher, wondering if there was such a thing as a urethra basket and what it would be used for.

Tim H.

Rainforest Concrete

A friend of mine, Marcus, who studied engineering with me was a smart guy, but in later years we discovered that his hearing was not the greatest. What should have been a strong warning sign for us early on was an incident that occurred in his second year. Just before one of his end-of-year exams, he was struggling to understand a particular topic. The lecturer was from Indonesia and spoke with a thick accent. My friend was talking about how he didn’t understand what this rainforest concrete was the lecturer kept talking about.

We were a bit perplexed, and he showed us his notes for the subject. All the way through it was written “rainforest concrete”, “calculating the maximum load of rainforest concrete”, “determining the appropriate volume of rainforest concrete”. As we read it, we all started laughing. Eventually, I had to tell Marcus that he had misheard “reinforced concrete”. Luckily, we caught that one in time, and Marcus passed his exam.

Jack D.

That escalated quickly

My wife had a favorite pair of woolen socks that she used to like to wear in winter to keep her feet warm. She had lost one, and this had caused no end of frustration for someone who seems to always have feet that notice if the temperature drops anywhere below 100 degrees.

Sitting on the couch one night with my wife and I realized that she was wearing the complete pair of socks again. Being quite happy and curious, I said, “I see you found your sock. Where was it, under the bed?” I did not expect the look of indignation and disgust that came, closely followed by her direct reply “I did NOT poo myself!”

I burst into laughter and that probably did not help the initial situation, but once I explained what I’d asked my wife, she too saw the funny side. But just to be safe I suggested that she book in for a hearing test soon.

Steve W.

Do you speak English?

My wife is what I call “accent deaf”, in that if someone is talking even in the slightest accent, she seems unable to understand them. I’ve often joked that we need people to only speak the Queen’s English, otherwise she will not know what they are saying.

A few years back we were on holiday in Morocco, and out at a restaurant with another couple. The menus were already on the table, and we’d had a look to see what delicacies we were going to have that night. The waiter, a young Moroccan man, came over to the table and spoke to us. After he had finished speaking, my wife asked him, “Do you speak English?” Taken aback the waiter abruptly replied, “That was English!” As he walked away the other couple looked surprised as I turned to my wife and said, “He just asked us if we were ready to order?”

When the next waiter came to our table, my wife checked with me before asking for any clarification.