we all have our own sky

some days now, you aren't the first thing i think of when i open my eyes.

the other day, i felt like maybe i had finally fallen out of love with you. i'm still not sure.

in the mornings, i sit with the silence (which isn't new, you were always long gone before i got out of bed) and think about nothing. or everything. or both all at once. i drink my tea and watch the birds flit and flurry and feed, fighting to stay warm. to survive.

i wonder how long before i will move past that stage myself, how long before i can think of anything but how to get through this. i have moments where it seems possible. i have moments when i feel i will never recover, not fully. trust feels lost to me, forever and always.

i wonder if you can live without ever trusting anyone, or anything. i wonder if that's possible. i wonder if i will ever again believe as many as six impossible things before breakfast*. i wonder if i will ever again NOT do exactly that every single morning.

perhaps the thing that pains me most is that shattering of trust. not just in you, but in humanity as a whole. where has all the integrity gone in this world?

i'm probably overstating. i know you don't represent every man with your lies and your cruelty and your deception, i know she doesn't represent every woman with her lack of integrity and common decency. but still, it's hard to separate it all out. hard to understand how people can be so blatantly, unapologetically selfish. i can't imagine being that way. my family has always come first.

but i guess that's just me.

i'm tired of processing. i know i must, in order to get through this, but damn you for making that be so. damn you for this brutal waste of the time i have left on this earth. just another example of how you took away my choice.

why does it seem like the selfish people are always the ones who come out on top? now i sound like i'm whining. meh. more things to ponder in the deep dark soul of night.

i listen to "experts" on narcissism and trauma bonding and it all makes sense, so much sense that i am silenced by the accuracy. i wish someone had told me all these things years ago. i wish i'd been able to see our relationship for what it was. i wish i'd been able to stop myself from always, always giving in. i wish, i wish, i wish, blah blah blah.

after a while you give up. you stop trying to make sense of anything. i don't think it's supposed to make sense, why people do the things they do. i don't think people know why. and even if they did, would it stop them from doing it?

. . . . . . . .

the sun is shining just now, but it's so cold. the snow is glittering with that false, enticing promise. beautiful to look at, brutal to hold.

and now i'm thinking of you again.

it's a vicious circle-cycle.

life and love and the truth of living.

survival of the fittest.

survival.

of.

we all have our own sky.

. . . . . . .

Writing my way through the pain of betrayal. Because writing has always been the thing that saves me. Finding my way back to myself through this forest of words.

#1 in this series is here

#2 in this series is here

#3 in this series is here

*from Alice in Wonderland