Waves

I finally get to see the ocean, it’s as vast as my dreams. The water feels cool on my feet, feet I got from my actual father. Along with the book that brought me here. A small black leather bound book, with less then twenty pages- not that it mattered when words would disappear off the pages at 8 a.m. Days ago although it feels like a millenia; I lived in a dirty cell, those adults tried to pass off as rooms. The probing doctor- I hated that center that was for trouble and disheveled youths. I was an orphan or at least I was under the impression that I was; from losing my mother to a fire. I was institutionalized for not grieving enough when I was shell shocked by not knowing how basic needs would be met so I did not have the luxury to grieve in school. Doctors at the institute tried everything to find my father; as a way to avoid foster care, but an orphan with no parents to authorize or approve psychological tests. I was the perfect test dummy.

I look down at the water, the sand between my toes and wept, into clothes that feel undeserved. Sometimes I want to disappear; into the ocean, it is as beautiful as I thought. The water is blue like mother’s Sunday dress. The only memory I have of my mother now. The book I have will grant any wish at 8 in the morning but in return you will lose a memory. I only remember being given the book now, as I used all the other memories of that day for wishes. I was walked into a room with a single table by a guard; not handcuffed but sedated to the point where if I tried to fight it would be laughable. I sat down across from a well dressed middle aged man who weirdly seemed familiar. He grimaced at my drawn features “how old are you now?”

“You know me ?” I could only whisper. As I look around the stone walls and at his sun blotched face.

“Of course. But I suppose your mother never told you about me, we divorced when you were five.” He sternly looked at me, I suppose for a reaction to see if I would be happy, angry or even care. I chuckled.

“I’m your kid and you have to ask how old I am, guess mom was smart to leave you.” He leaned back in his chair and laughed a deep laugh that startled me, it was thunderous.

“You're my kid alright.” He sat up again, a furrow in his brow; and he looked at the guard “leave,” the guard nodded and closed the steel door behind him with a loud click. He reached into his pocket and placed the black book on the table. “This book will give you anything you can want materially, it does not affect people. It only goes into effect 8 a.m the next morning. You lose a memory - and a memory of your choice if you write the specific memory down with the wish. If not completely random.” I looked at the man, my father, like he had two heads; which he saw and continued. “ I know it’s crazy the book is magic and you should try it. What do you have to lose?” He gestured his hand to the room that was empty honestly he was right, I had nothing. I reached down and grabbed the book.

“So what- no pen.” He laughs and hands me a pen before walking out the room and my life for the last time.

I start writing. I ask for a plant in my room, and sacrifice a memory from school where I was embarrassed. Cell phone, television and other trinkets of comfort for embarrassing details of my childhood I would be thrilled to forget. I walked out the room and the guard escorted me back to my cell. I place the book under my mat and pray to a god I thought forsaken me. The next morning my room looked different. The nurse who brought in breakfast seemed alarmed when I questioned her about all of the items. “They were always yours silly,” and she handed me the food before closing the door. I tried to think back to embarrassing childhood moments and my head hurt and felt foggy; so I laid down. He was right it worked, I rushed to my bed to open the book and the pages, were blank and similar to my memories

I started writing my laundry list of wishes, stable home, money I wished for twenty thousand dollars, ungodly amounts of food- transportation, clothes, shoes, starting with embarrassing to mundane and even having to use some tender moments. But what would that matter when tomorrow I would be living lavishly and in comfort if I had to make some sacrifices. I could write throughout the night using the smallest font I could so it could fit in the small amount of pages the book held. I glance over at my new phone at 7 a.m I pass out from exhaustion; and when I awoke it was in splendor.

I ran out the door in the room instead of an institute. It was a hallway; empty rooms, kitchen, bathroom, and keys, a home that is mine finally. Not a small apartment that I had to share. Then for a moment I thought with who, but it came to me slowly- my mother. I guess erasing or voiding out so many memories at once had more consequences than previously thought. I walked outside the home. I requested a beachside cabin because mother always told me stories of the beach but never found the time to take me. I will never have to worry about others controlling me; or other people again. I was free to go anywhere like the waves.

Although now I cannot remember what it was that I wanted to do here at the beach. I think I want to disappear like the wishes in my black book.