Ups & Downs become Lefts & Rights (I).

Here I am:

I’m breathing. I’m happy. I feel sexually satisfied.

24 hours ago, it wasn’t so... I had trouble breathing, I was very cranky and I was horngry ( Niche term describing a general feeling of unsatisfaction, could be a lack of sex or a lack of food but you’re not sure and you’re too irritated to figure out which one it is).

I was irritated; I couldn’t be in one place.

I felt dirty, I felt ugly, I felt unhealthy.

I had touched myself too much the previous day.

I have nothing against against touching one’s own sexual organs.

I do it all the time.

BUT, too much of anything is bad.

I do too much of a lot of things.

Especially things that feel good.

Playing with myself feels good.

I do too much of it.

I am bad.

Ironically, I’m good at playing with myself.

I learned from experience.

Like I said, I do too much of it.

And twenty four hours ago, I had done too much of it.

I was in a bad mood.

I had trouble breathing, I was very cranky and I was horngry.

Now here I am:

I’m breathing.

I’m happy.

I feel sexually satisfied.

What changed?

It’s an interesting question because a lot of times I feel how I felt 24 hours ago.

Equally, a lot of times, I feel how I feel now.

But I never found the inflection point.

Until now.

24 hours ago, I took a shower - with hot water

There’s a window in my bathroom- I looked out of it, a lot.

I know a lot of cuss words.

I vocalized all of them while under burning hot water looking out the window.

I did this for 45-minutes.

My landlord pays the water bill.

The shower was therapeutic, this type of shower often is.

After therapy,

I looked around my apartment, there was no one there.

I kept looking...

I ran into a mirror; I found myself.

I had curls from water dripping down my hair.

I like when my hair is curly.

I was feeling myself.

I thought about feeling my genitals but decided not to because I had to work pretty soon.

I like to feel good when I’m working.

I usually don’t feel good after vigorously touching myself.

I didn’t touch myself.

But I analyzed my physical state.

I was breathing better, a good start.

Unfortunately, I was still upset & horngry.

I went to work though...

Because...you know...you can’t have everything.

I drive a lot when I work.

I yelled at 80% of the other drivers on the road.

Some people call this road rage.

I think I was just upset.

I usually don’t yell at other drivers when I’m happy.

Unless the other driver upsets me.

Then I yell.

Because I’m upset.

I don’t like yelling.

I don’t like being upset.

I had eaten by this point but I was still horngry.

Consequently,

When I wasn’t yelling, I was thinking about the sensations of a beautiful woman, My ex-lover in particular.

She looks good.

She smells good.

She feels good.

But I hate her so we don’t see each other anymore.

Too much of anything is bad.

I do too much of a lot of things.

Especially things that feel good.

She feels good.

I did too much of her.

That’s bad.

I think about her sometimes.

But not a lot.

I make a point not to think about her too much.

Too much of anything is bad.

When I think about her too much, I get upset.

I don’t like being upset.

Because when I’m upset, I yell.

I don’t like yelling.

When I yell, I have trouble breathing.

To be continued...