Unspoken

Pristine: extremely clean.

I traced the words with my finger. Pristine.

………

I can’t let my mind wander off again. I need to stop thinking. I need to stop having these thoughts. I think I need to go out.

It’s raining. Tears of clouds. Droplets of crystals falling on the ground and shattering. Do the rain drops feel the pain of shattering? Do they scream in agony when they hit the ground or does the earth sob as she takes the broken pieces of her own in? How does the earth calm the broken raindrops down? When they cry in front of her, scream, shout? Does the earth sings them lullabies?

Gosh, it’s just rain. Stop.

I’m hungry. There must be something in the fridge. Oh there it is. Mum’s pot pie is left over. Should I eat it? Maybe I should ask her.

“Mom! Can I eat the leftover pot pie?”

“Yes honey.”

She said yes. Maybe if I tell her she will listen. Yeah I think I should tell her. She’ll help.

“Mom! Are you free right now?”

“Sorry honey I got to head out to Jessie’s house. You want to come along? We can talk in the car.”

“No! I’m fine. Have a good time.”

“Bye!” mom kisses me on the way out.

I can’t tell her.

“Oh, Liam was asking for you. He was asking if you’re alright. Did something happen last weekend? Text him alright. Ok bye!”

I can never tell her.

Its 6. I should head out. I’ll give Elli a call before heading out.

“Hey Elli! Can you save me a spot? I’ll be there in 30 minutes.”

“Oh alright. Get here safe. Hey! Liam! Save Tamar a spot!”

“On second thought Elli, it’s raining too much. I don’t want to get sick. Maybe next time.”

“Oh. Ok. Are you alright Tam? You’ve been off since last weekend.”

“No. its fine. Just been feeling off. Maybe PMS. I’ll call you later. Ok bye.”

How long will I skip practice? I can’t hide forever. I need to do something about this.

No. I need to get over it. What happened, happened. I can’t tell anyone. I don’t need to tell anyone. Just get over it.

Its 8. Mom will be home any minute. I need to get myself together.

“Honey! I’m home.”

“Hi mom.”

“Why so huddled up? Are you cold? Should I turn the heating on?”

‘No, its fine. Mom! Can I skip school tomorrow? I don’t feel like going.”

“Oh honey. You’ve been skipping school all week. You’re not alright. We should go to a doctor tomorrow,”

No. not a doctor.

“No, mom I’m fine. I just need to relax.”

“Okay. I’ll let you relax this week but you have to go to school next week. Alright?”

“Alright. Mom, can you buy me a new body wash? I ran out of mine.”

“Already? I did notice you were going through it extremely fast. How clean do you want to be?” mom chuckled.

“Pristine.”

“Whoa. That means like super clean right? Well, my daughter is as clean as a white spotless sheet.” Mom giggled.

I have to smile. Smile. SMILE. Yes. Just enough.

“Ok. Now what does my pristine daughter want for dinner?”

“Nothing. I ate already. I’ll just sleep.”

“Okay, good night baby.” Mom kissed me on the forehead.

I’m alone now.

Mom likes white sheet. Spotless, clean white ones.

How do I tell her I’m not spotless anymore? How do I tell her that there’s a big black spot staring me in the face?

No. there isn’t one. As long as I don’t tell anyone, no one can see it.

That’s right. I can’t tell anyone that I don’t feel clean anymore.