Unmasked

The journey of one thousan...well, I'm not sure. I mean, I know how the saying ends, I'm just not sure it's the right start to this story. Maybe...

I've worked in the top rungs of the corporate world for the last 15 years. Yay me!

NO! That's the problem. Let me back-up.

It's conventional wisdom that people start to question their true worth in their 40s. "What is all of this for?". "Who am I really?". "What am I DOING with my life??".

Well, that's true for me.

A few years ago I started moping around and questioning myself about what my life was about. Noticing that my self value was largely measured by the contributions I made at work, it wasn't too far of a leap to start imagining who would show up at my funeral. I started wondering: is there any deeper meaning or logic to my life? Am I a positive contribution other than to a corporation? Am I even living my life?

These questions led to more questions. And more moping. The moping and questioning, however, were well decoyed as I was working and climbing the ladder of great success. I could safely and inanely ponder my intrinsic worth while enjoying the first class travel, nice car and fancy stuff.

Three years later, not surprisingly, I'm still in the same mental place. Despite last summer's two week mediation retreat and all the subsequent right intentions, I'm still dodging the nagging feeling that I'm just not living in the most "full" way.

That there's more.

I knew the issue was taking a more dramatic turn when my normal "Phantom of the Opera" shower routine was unwittingly replaced by (Beauty and the Beast) Belle's lament of "there must be more than this provincial life".

When it comes to life planning, I generally think in terms which are neatly predictable. "At this rate I will have the next promotion in X years." "My next bonus should cover XYZ thing". "Let's buy that ABC thing and distract ourselves".

But the reality is that nothing is predictable. I wouldn't have predicted where I am now. I couldn't have imagined my career taking the path it did. So, why spend so much time planning it? And why is any of this a problem anyways???? AND...even better, why the hell am I even thinking this way? What happened to DESIGNING the outcome? What happened to planning for the POSSIBILITY.

After a couple of years of questioning, and finding micro moments of enlightenment only to be in the dark again, I can safely say that, clearly, I'm the problem. No great shakes there. It's not Eckhart Tolle or Kierkegaard level thinking. But, it's a big deal. Obviously the problem isn't the job. Or the career.

It's me. I'm a chicken. A corporate chicken. A farmed bred and cultivated factory drone...chicken. (Not that there's anything wrong with chickens...)

I heard somebody...okay, not just "somebody". I heard a tarot card reader on YouTube say that I, or some other Leo, would start to have the experience of living as if I "were taking off the mask" that I have been wearing. That I would find joy in being authentic.

That's it. That's when it clicked. I'm a MASK WEARING CHICKEN. Or maybe, it's just the mask of a chicken? Anyhow...

I realized, at least for right now, that I HAVE been wearing a mask. But that mask has been on for so long that I don't even know who the person under it is. I have created, molded, shaped, learned, and practiced for so many years how to be a good "captain of industry", that I can't remember the natural wonder woman underneath. The brazen, bold, courageous young lady who fought with warriors and feared nothing. The one who drove 8 hours just to see the sunrise in Monterrey with the seals, and then drove back. Where is she?

Thus begins the journey. With one realization. With one small gesture towards prying off the mask. With one format, one forum, one channel, one avenue where I try out being somebody who isn't the mask. This place is where I stretch and give myself permission to speak and think freely and without an angle.

Where I try to find myself unmasked.