Unicorns Are For Fairy Tales, Not Your Stale Relationship

Twilight Sparkles, Rarity, Rocco, Nico, Trinket, and Claire, your bisexual colleague. One of these is not like the others. Here’s a hint: It’s not Twilight Sparkles.

Once hailed as the rarest of creatures in the enchanted realms of film and literature, unicorns have now been conscripted by monogamous couples who can’t tell the difference between a mystical creature and a living, breathing bisexual woman.

But what exactly is a unicorn?

Unicorns and Their Hunters

In this delightful context, a unicorn is a single, often bisexual woman who is open to dating or engaging in sexual activities with a couple in a committed relationship.

She’s the ultimate dream girl, ready to swoop in for a whirlwind of thrills and vanish into thin air. This magical being can spark a couple’s primal desires without any of the pesky relationship complications, emotional labour, or messy entanglements — and the reason she’s dubbed a unicorn is simply that, let’s be honest, she’s as real as a fairy tale.

So, what’s the issue if a couple wants to add a third person to their relationship? While there are indeed couples out there who are respectful, honest, and caring when it comes to adding a third, there are so many others who are just awful. Often dubbed “unicorn hunters,” these couples are the worst humanity has to offer.

One of the main criticisms is that unicorn hunters often approach potential partners purely to fulfill their desires, without so much as a hint of reciprocity. They might intentionally or unintentionally overlook the individual’s unique needs and autonomy, viewing the third partner more as a charming little accessory for the bedroom rather than a full-fledged human being with feelings and rights of their own.

Further, many unicorn hunters are completely ignorant as to what constitutes a healthy polyamorous relationship. And without beating around the bush, these couples just aren’t prepared for bringing a third person into the bedroom, much less their everyday lives. No doubt it can be fun, but it can also be a rollercoaster of exhaustion, discomfort, jealousy, stress, and emotional turmoil.

The Perfect Gift For Your Boyfriend?

Now, I hear you saying, ok, after the above info dump, we won’t look for a permanent unicorn; maybe we’ll temporarily adopt one for the night.

After all, we’ve all experienced the pressure of finding the perfect gift for a loved one, weaving through endless pages of electronics, sports merchandise, and the latest best-sellers in search of that elusive present before settling for another pair of novelty socks that scream, “I ran out of ideas.”

Well, ladies, if you’re exhausted from the endless quest to find the perfect gift for your significant other, fret no more! A threesome with a bisexual woman is a surefire crowd-pleaser! After all, who needs socks or a new watch when you can offer the gift of an extra set of genitals?

Of course, I jest. But shockingly, some folks genuinely believe bisexuality is just a subscription service to “Threesomes R Us.” What’s more appalling is the persistent myth that bisexual women exist solely to fulfil the fantasy of a threesome for men.

It shouldn’t have to be stated, but sexuality isn’t a buffet of desires catered to male fantasies. It’s about connections, attractions, and much more nuanced than just tallying up genders.

But let’s suppose you’ve ignored everything I’ve said and decided to subscribe to Threesomes R Us, how does one go about collecting a bisexual woman for their boyfriend? You have a few options depending on your moral compass (or lack thereof).

You could, for instance, set up shop on a lesbian dating site like Hinge or Her and feign genuine interest in dating or forming a relationship with a woman. Then, reel her in with sweet nothings, go on a few dates, share some soul-baring secrets, and once she’s ensnared, drop the bombshell that you’re in a heterosexual relationship and your long-term boyfriend is just dying to meet her — preferably penis first. How could she possibly say no?

As you can imagine, such bait and switching is not only incredibly shitty but also downright disrespectful. After all, who wants to open their hearts up only to be blindsided by the ulterior motives of a couple?

What’s worse are those unicorn hunters who go after monogamous lesbians or bisexual women. It’s as if they say, Yes, you have monogamous on your profile, but have you thought about ignoring that and spicing up our relationship with your vagina?

Journalist and lesbian Mary Emily O’Hara shared with NBC News her experience of dating as a queer woman while on Tinder. O’Hara observed that, despite her best efforts to curate a feed solely for women, men still managed to sneak into her algorithm like uninvited guests at a party. This problem is not unique to her, as many others in the queer community have reported similar issues, leading to confusion and frustration.

In the article, O’Hara described how she experimented with creating a new Tinder account, meticulously adjusting settings to ensure accuracy, but still encountering numerous profiles of couples and straight men.

Others, like Mari Brighe, experienced similar frustrations:

“My settings are set to only show me women, but I still see men almost every time I log in. Also, it seems like there are AT LEAST as many unicorn-hunting couples profiles as queer women’s profiles. It’s ridiculously frustrating.”

In an article for Glamour, Amy Gall also told her tale of Tinder despair, stating that she initially enjoyed the attention and connections, with matches like Shawna, Daisy, Marissa, and Samantha boosting her self-esteem. But then came the unexpected appearances of men like Mark and Dan, whose penchant for grabbing their crotch was as intrusive as it was unwelcome.

Like O’Hara, despite Gall setting her preferences to exclusively find women, about one in every ten profiles appeared to belong to men. This glitch wasn’t just a technical hiccup, as her friends confirmed that it happened all the time to them.

One Penis Policy

Curiously, there seems to be a lack of enthusiasm when it comes to seeking out bisexual men to fulfil relationships. To examine this discrepancy, let’s take a look into the intriguing world of the One Penis Policy (OPP).

The OPP is a charming little arrangement allowing just one male partner in a heterosexual, polyamorous setup. It’s the “one penis to rule them all” scenario, if you will.

Depending on the man’s preferences, the duo may engage in intimate or romantic relations either as a couple or individually. If it’s the latter, the woman can date other women; however, engaging with other men is off-limits. Sometimes, this arrangement is just a clever ruse by the man to introduce another woman into the relationship, typically lacking any real dedication to the foundational principles of polyamory, like mutual respect and consent.

As such, many queer communities frown upon the OPP due to its implications for reinforcing heteronormative dynamics.

When you really examine it, the OPP suggests that a woman’s attraction to men is somehow more “real” or threatening than her attraction to other women.

Think about it, a woman kissing another woman often gets cheers from heterosexual men and is labelled as bold and sexy. But flip the script, and if that same woman kisses another man, suddenly she’s a scandalous cheater, even if they are in a so-called “poly” relationship. The double standard is glaring, and it’s rooted in the idea that women’s relationships with other women are somehow less legitimate than their heterosexual ones.

But of course, this is hardly shocking, given that our culture has a remarkable talent for overlooking the complexities of bisexuality, instead viewing it as just another gimmick to spice up the bedroom, usually tailored to satisfy the whims of heterosexual, cisgender men.

Also, it shouldn’t have to be said, but here we go! If your partner is unsure about her attraction to women, you should definitely figure this out before involving someone else. This means discussing any uncertainties about sexual orientation or attraction openly. After all, no woman wants to end up in an awkward situation where someone is pretending to be interested in them just to please their partner.

Now, at the end of the day, let’s assume you are a kind, non-asshole couple who are genuinely interested in opening up your relationship. First off, take the time to educate yourselves about polyamory and ethical non-monogamy. Then, if the two of you decide it’s right for your relationship, it’s time to sit down and discuss what both of you are comfortable with.

Be crystal clear about your boundaries. Are there certain activities that are off-limits? How much information do you want to share with each other about outside relationships?

Don’t shy away from asking, “Why do we want to do this?” Be upfront about your motivations and expectations. Understanding the “why” helps build a foundation of trust. And remember, it’s a two-way street — your partner’s feelings matter just as much as yours. Everyone involved should feel respected and valued. No pressure, no guilt trips; just genuine, enthusiastic consent from all parties.

If you’re unsure about your next steps, consider seeking guidance from resources, support groups, or professionals with expertise in non-monogamous relationships. They can provide valuable insights and help you approach this dynamic with responsibility and care.

So there you have it, folks! Let’s wave goodbye to the whimsical unicorn myth and instead foster relationships built on mutual respect, understanding, and open communication. Whether you’re part of the LGBTQ+ community or a couple exploring new dynamics, remember that everyone deserves to be seen, heard, and valued for who they are.