Unconditional and Conditional Love

Unconditional love

The term unconditional love does not mean love without limits or bounds. It means, "I offer you my love freely without condition." This means that when we offer our love, we offer it without the expectation of repayment. It is important to offer this type of unconditional love in our relationships. Otherwise, we are offering love with "strings attached." This creates power and control imbalances.

Unconditional love means loving someone through hardships, mistakes, and frustrations. In fact, it is what every meaningful, lasting relationship is made of. When we enter relationships with other people, we are entering relationships with another human being—a person full of quirks and flaws and challenges. And we also show our own quirks and flaws and challenges. One of the most beautiful experiences in human life is learning to lean into the tension of those challenges by offering connection, love, and understanding and by accepting influence, creating compromise, and moving forward in a way in which both people win.

conditional love looks like

We often think of parents' love for their children as unconditional love (i.e., a parent often loves their child no matter what). In truth, we do at times see this type of "strings attached" love presented in parent-child relationships just as readily as it might be in a romantic relationship. A parent provides a certain amount of love to their child and expects some sort of return on their investment.

This "conditional love" might sound like:

"I always gave you so much love, and this is the thanks I get?"

"Your father and I wanted you to become a doctor. We did everything for you, and now we are disappointed with your choice to be an artist."

"I cannot believe that is who you are marrying! I would think you'd respect me more than that after all of the love I gave you."

In the above examples, the parent is not offering unconditional love; rather, they are offering love that is contingent on the child fulfilling certain conditions. There is a ledger, and the child owes a debt. This makes for a very unhappy and disconnected relationship or even a toxic family relationship.

love someone unconditionally

The word unconditional can sometimes create confusion or lead us to place unrealistic expectations on ourselves and the way we love. If it's easier, consider instead the idea of wholehearted love. Wholehearted loving means leaning into the vulnerability of offering our love because we want to offer it. Offering our love in this way means that we give it because it feels good to give it and not because we expect a particular outcome. Wholehearted love also acknowledges and prioritizes the wholeness of both people. To give wholehearted love, you must love your partner and yourself wholly.

You will know it is wholehearted love when both people are willing to enter with their whole hearts. When each person has a voice. When challenges are reflected upon. When growth happens. When there is no scoreboard because you are on the same team and not on opposing teams.

You will know it is not wholehearted love if there are strings attached, debts owed, and boundaries violated. You will especially know when you find that the basic expectations of love, kindness, and safety are not being respected.

If you're wondering what that kind of love looks like in practice, here are a few ways to love wholeheartedly:

Pay attention to your offerings of love. Are you expecting a certain reaction? Are you offering it to receive something now or later? Has the person become indebted to you? Push yourself to offer love just because.

Learn to accept and value influence. Wholehearted loving means that we believe our partner, child, friend, or parent has something of value to think, feel, or share. Work toward being influenced by them.

Be transparent. Offer transparency in your interactions. Let people know what you expect. Allow people the opportunity to be successful for you.

Learn to listen. Being a good listener is a lot more than "hearing"—it means that you truly integrate what the person is saying and show curiosity toward learning more.