Torn

She stood on her balcony staring out over the ocean, thinking of the sins she'd committed. She knew that she cared for her husband, but she was in love with him. Tonya and Brad had been married for seven years and have three beautiful children together. They met at a park as she was walking her dog lala. he was so handsome and he seemed to love dogs, so she walked over and said hello. He looked at her and smiled. From that day on they were together.

Brad has always been a great man and provider for the family, but in the past few years he has been hard to reach. He shuts down when we have to talk about feelings. He thinks all things will just work themselves out. But I don't think so. I believe that you have to work on what's important to you. Brad said to me the other day that I was overreacting because I was crying over the fact that he doesn't notice I'm in the room. He said that he is not responsible for my happoiness that I should go find someone else to talk to. It crushed me. Who knew that the man I loved could be so viscious towards me and all I have ever done was be loyal and love him. As a means t find some kind of peace I started making jewlery in my spare time. And I went on social media to let any and everone know what I was up to. As I was strolling along I noticed I had an inbox notifiocation. I was excited. My first customer and potential sale. I lopened up the message and all it said was hi, do you remember me? I was baffeled, so I looked to see who sent the message and it was from Reginald. Wow Reginald, I thought to myself that I hadn't seen him in twenty years. I thought that he was married and had a lot of kids. But he was my first love the man I loved so much it made me crazy. He had a way to calm me down, I used to love the way he would place his hand on the small of my back and walk with me when we went out together. The way he had a way of making me feel like the most important person in the room. But we didn't make it. I ran away from him, disappeared. I was afraid of my feelings for him, better to leave him first before he hurts me was my logic back then. So I get out of my head and reply. Hey Reginald, Oh my God oit's been so long since we've talk to each other. I hope all is well with you and you family.I hit send and just like that we were talking. He asked me about my life and what I'vwe been up to. I informed him that I got married and have been for seven years and have three beautiful children and two dogs. He told me that I still look the same, like i was still 19 years old and that he was always wondering what I was up to. I asked him about his family. He informed me that he was married and had been for four years with five children. I couldn't help but say what the hell!! You seem to have been very busy. He told me that two were his and the others were her kids from a previous marrige. I started feeling all of these old feelings and sad that I was such a coward and ran away at least we could have parted on good terms and I would feel so bad. So I told him that it was nice to talk to him again and that we should all get together to catch up. Now I am ususaly all calm and collected but he could make me excited without even touching me and I didn't want to find myself in a mess. A few days pass by and I get another message from Reginald. He wanted to know if we could get together for drinks and dinner, but without our spouses, he wanted to talk about a few things before the two families met. I told him that we don't live in the same city anymore and that would be impossible. He told me that he lives 20 minutes outside of the city and that it would be no problem. all I could think of was what the hell is wrong with you! You are married and here you are going to have drinks and dinner with this this man, okay, technically he is not just any man and I do know him so I really don't see the harm in it. Really what could it hurt. So I agree and we make plans to meet at a pub that we never went to that was in the middle. In three days. As I ened the conversation, I felt like I should tell my husband about this and saee what he says , but he has been so distant lately and I know for a fact that he was at some point cheating and I just didn't say anything. I thought it was best served if I kept my mouth shut to avoid any uncomfortableness for the children. when My husband got home that night ,late as usual, I tell him that an old friend found me and we are getting together to cath up and I asked if he wanted to come along.His response was go ahead ytou need to talk to someone who will listen you anyway, All I could think of what did I do that was so bad that the man I loved just keeps treating me this way. So I just said thank you and walked away. The next two days all I could think of was what should I wear. I mean he hasn't seen me in a long time and I don't want to look like a bum. Then I stopped myself because I don't have to look great for him he isn't my husband. So the day That I had to meet Reginald I had my mother watch the kids for me since Brad wouldn't be home until after 9. As I kissed my children and told my mom I'd call her shortly, I was overcome with anxiety. What was I doing? How did I let this happen? I could have said no.But a part of me wanted to look into his eyes for one last time even if it was to say goodbye. As I arrived to the pub. I checked my face and then got out of my car and walked inside and got a booth in the far back of the pub. As I sat there waiting on him to come in I look around hopng that I would see him before he sees me so that I can not seem so eager. Then there he was, In jeans and a T-shirt. He looks so beautiful. Stop it! He is not yours. I stand up as he walks inside and motions him over to the table. We say awkward hellos and uncomfortable hugs. We sat down and I realized that I was still in love with him, that I never stopped loving him and now I am here looking at him again. He seemed to take a once over of me then take a deep breath and say. That I looked the same that I was even more beautiful today than he'd remembered and that when he saw my video he was amazed and just wanted to know how I've been. I amitted I was flattered and I couldn't help but to smile. As we sat there talking he told me that he was always looking for me and wondering what I was doing since I left so abruptly. I was embarrased and I wanted to explain. Then he stops me before I could say anything, grabs my hand and looks into my eyes, and says that he was sure that I had a good reason and for right now there is no need to try to explain. Let's just catch up and see what happens.As we sat there and ate and drank it was wild how we just fell back into our groove, like we never missed a beat.His lips were full and looked so soft, his eyes were bright and seemed to glisten a little. Falling back to the moments e made me feel safe and loved. Now I have a husband that ignores me and blames me for everything. I look down at my watch and notice that I was there 30 minutes longer than I planned. I look at Reginald and tell him I have to go that I was out too long. He just smied and sked if we could see each other again soon. Beleive me telling him no would have been the safest thing for me but as my mind was thinking mymouth blurted out..Sure I'll be in touch with you so we all can hang out. He hugs me and I can't help but to breathe him in. The smell of his skin was like soft sandlewood and a hint of pepermint. The hug was longer than I would hug any other man. Ok Reginald, it was nice to see you. I turn around and go to my car. On the drive home his eyes, scent lingered. I picked up the kids and went home. After putting everyone in bed, I decided to take a shower and wait for brad to get home. Are his lips still as soft as clouds? Does he still bite his lip when he's thinking of me? Why am I being foolish? Married!!! Both of us are married! Get it together he is over you, happy, healthy, beautiful,smelling good. Now there is a need for deep. breaths to bring me back to my reality. How do I tell my husband about the dinner? As I was thinking about that Brad came into the room. I looked at him and he looked like he had been asleep. So I ask if he was okay and the reaction was not what I expected. Brad began to yell at me and tell me how I was the biggest mistake in his life, that the only reason he married me was for the first baby, but I kept having kids so he could never leave. The only reason he was still staying was because he has an obligation to the mchildren to raised them and the only way he can do that well is by being in the same household as them, but he did't want to touch me anymore that we should pretend in public. As the words hit my ears they pierced my heart and even though I wasn't in love with him, I loved him and was trying to be all that he wanted me to be. So much so that I lost myself in the process. Brad doesn't even look me in the face as I through my sobbs, I ask what did I do wrong? what did I do wrong? I know that we can fix this i love Brad, don't do this. The only thing he didi was get up and go into the other bedroom. The rest of the night there was not rest for me, all I could do was think of what I was going to do, how, how, and who can I tell. As the sun came up Brad came back into the room so the kids wouldn't be suspicious. They all come running in the room happy to see their dad, and my heart could do was break. he took the kids and got them ready for school while I went to clean my face up. Over the next few days Brad and I just walked by each other and spoke only when gtghe kids were around. Friday Brad informed me that he had to out of town for business and that he would be back Tuesday, that he wopuld let me know when he got there. He kissed the kids and told them to be good, kissed me on the forehead, then whispered in my ear that he still cares for me deeply. As gthe kids watched as their dad drove away there was an empty feeling.Ther urge to scream came over me then I had to realize I still had the children with me. So we go into the house. My son asked id I could call grandma so they could go over there for the weekend. As a mother you want some free time but when your heart is broken all you want is the unconditional love of your children. But there was no need for them to see me in such a state. My mother arrived at the house and tyhe kids went and grabbed their things. My mother, being a mother asked me if everything was ok. As I looked into her eyes she just pulled me close and without restraint began to cry. Mt life was falling apart and there was nothing I cou,ld do to stop it. My husband doesn't want to be with me anymore, he hates me, but wants to live together until the kids are adults, what kind of madness is this how cna I be happy with someone who misn't in love with me? My mom could only tell me to let it out, then gather myself and ask myself if I wanted to stay? Go. What ever I decided she was going to stand behind me and the kids. She kissed my cheek and hugged me again. the kids came down stairs with all of their toys it seemed like. They were happy tp see my mom. As they walked out of the door I kissed them and told them I loved them. Sitting in the house alnoe was earth shatteringly quiet and there was no one there to clam my thoughts, to stop me from wondering who was this other woman? What did she have that I didn't? My cell phone began to ring, it was Reginald. I didn't want to answer just sit in solitude and cry and eat, but I answered anyway. He wantyed to know what I was doing and how was the family. The words great could not describe it so I answred with a cry falling apart! The moment I let out that cry I felt like I was freeing a burden of pain. Reginald wasn't at all shocked and he tried tko tell me that it was going to be okay. After pac ing back and forth and telliong him all of gthis mess that was happening he told me that I neede to decompress take some time off. I didnt know how I was going to do that with so much on my mind. There' and palce that I go to to relax he says. He says he goes when he nad his wife aren't gettying along. I couldn't believ that he was having problem as well. That we were going through the same thing at the same time. I took hgim up on his offer and made my way to the resort. It was beautiful and walking through the lobby was like a show. The lady at the front desk checked me i, but said that it was booked for two guests and not one. Whiile taking the elevator up to the room I tried to call Reginald to thank him and to ask him why is the room booked for two guests and not just one. He didn't answer , but Brad was calling me on the other line. Brad said that he was there and asked how the girls were doing. I told him that gthey wanted to go to my moms house for the weekend. Hwe asked where I was. why would he wasnt to know after cutting me to shreds with those words? Well Brad I am a a resort, I need to decompress you know so i will talk to you later. After hanging up and walking out of gthe elevator, I put my key into the door and open it. When I say words could not summed up to msay how amazingly beautiful the suite was. I ran to the balcony to see the view, it was breath taking. The breeze was blowing and I took in a deep breath. This is what I need. I put my things away and go downstairs to the bar, since I am decompressing I may as well drink too. The bar was beautiful and filled with so many people that seemed to be here as couples, which made me feel worse.I have no one, the thought burned my chest. I asked the bartender for another Rum Punch. I get a toiuch on my shoulder and a voice says to me..hi stranger... It was Reginald. I called you, and nothing. Where were you? I was coming hetre I figured that you could use a friend at least for the first twenty-four hours. we. both laugh. I see you stsrted the party without me, I need to cath up you. What are uyou drinking?..Never mind let me guess. Rum Punch..Right?

We sat at ther bar fore hours laughind and talking about old times and how we thought that we would end up together. I finally broke down in my drunken madess and confessed whyI left without even saying goodbye. Look Reginald I owe you an apology for the way I left things. I was a coward, afraid of what I was feeeling for you. It began to take me over and all I could think of was that you would better off withjout me in your life or the facrt that I needed to leave because I didn't think that you were in love with me the same way I was in love with you and I just knew that I wouldn't be able to handle that so I left you before you ahd a chsnce to leave me. As I was telling him all of these secrets I looked into his eyes and for the first time I saw on his face hurt. He grabbed my hands, pulled me in for a hug. Listen, I have always loved you and I always ,for the longest time waited for you to come back., but ryou never did. I do believe that if you didn't make that video, I would still have no idea as to where you were or how you were doing. I am glad that we are able to be here together for each other. I love you Tonya, I will never stop loving you. We looked into in each others eyes nad for the first time in a long time Ifelt safe. We leaned into each other and I kissed him foe the first time in years. The kiss was like a thousanfd volts of elecctricity running through my veins, it tinggled my toes and took my breath away. I pulled away. What's wrong Tonya? I don't want to be the reason things happen because I am, we are going through tough times. What if you wake up one day and realize that who I used to be and who I am are two totaly different people? Well Tonya, I will have to get to know love the woman that you are now. I am not leaving you ever again you are stuck with me no take backs. No take backs. We go up to the room and begin to make out. He knows my body so well. My body leans into his touch. I am not afraid to give him all of me, every bit of my raw emotion and love. We make love off and on Friday then again Saturday. Then I get a call fron Brad. He tells me that he made a mistke that he wasn't thinking clearly and that the thought of me being with someone else made him understand that he was wrong, that we should try to work it out. I din't know how to respond so I sauid that we could talk about it when he gets back... As I hung up the phone I walked to the balcony. looked at the waves crash on the shore, felt the breeze on my face anf through my hair. There in the bed I watch Reginald sleep and think .....I have fina;ly found the love of my life but obligation has knocked at my door. I love my husband but I'm and have always been in love with Reginnald. Now I face staying with my husband and angain forgetting the only man I love. Or Seeing if he wants to do this as long as it takes for us to be together? I just know I don't want to give him up, but I am married, and thats the right thing to do ....Right?