Topsy turvy

Am I happy? Am I good? I'm definitely not very witty. Is my life worth it? Do I matter oh no am I shallow I don't think I m meant to matter? Woah wait worth what? what are we measuring lives against? maybe I do matter and I haven't put in enough effort I definitely should have done things differently. No hang on, I'm ok I've been the best me I can be right, But what if I'm not getting it, wait am I dumb, what is the meaning of life again Who knows the answer not me eeek lucky no one can hear me. Stupid other people walking around like they have it all figured out! Well, not Pam she a total mess? Oh, shit am I judgemental and mean? Do I bother to learn new things? have I done my job as a human? What even is that job? What is actually important? Is it humans or is it the earth? Or is it just being good? Do I care enough? Crap I don't have very good relationships with people.... some other little voice in my head yells "you don't care people are complex and make you anxious! Well, hang on though little voice connection with people IS important. And right now I'm trying to come up with value I think i have to offer so please internal noise makes some sense. The panic of getting it "right" had set in.

Taking stock of one's life so to speak wasn't something I had realized would be of importance to me when I first decided to embark on this writing journey. And I thought my first story would be some piece of fiction from my random imagination. It's taken by surprise how much its made me stop and think about certain things that make up who i am as a person. Assessing how i feel about these things has been ....interesting a little painful, to say the least. I'm sure we all have that little voice in our heads that is the biggest critic we could ever imagine right?

For most of my adult life, I have worked in hospitality as a caterer. And I love it well I used to these days I wonder how I ever coped. I thrived on the adrenaline rush and stress of it all. success was in the execution of every dish and I felt like I had a place in the world, doing my bit so to speak. At around 35 I started to feel as if time was speeding up and I was slowing down I started thinking life is short and you're wasting it, lady, you haven't done enough!. I panicked and went into overdrive. I started my own catering company kids and partner in tow much to their dismay and long story short I burned myself out. One day I just quit shut up shop and sat the hell down. To be fair I haven't really moved much since. I have been blissfully ignoring the fact any of it ever happened and wondering what on earth to do with life.

For now, I seem to be rolling with the philosophy that life is meant to be about being happy. But I'm always wary and unsure. I'm definitely not perfect but I'm not all bad, I could have been better and I could have been worse. Generic I know but I think the point is don't sweat stuff you could end up spending way too much time going round in circles about it. We are all so different in our judgments another can never meet the mark entirely.