Today My Boyfriend Broke Up with Me

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. I lied to him. That’s why we broke up. He broke up with his ex because she lied to him. This time is because I lied to him too. It’s true we shouldn’t normalize lying in any relationship. No one wants to be with a pathological liar. But when there’s an emergency situation I had to lie to him because I didn’t have any other way out. I didn’t have much choice. And if he couldn’t understand that it was an emergency situation then so be it. Let it be. I have to let him go.

We were on and off for 3 years and it has to end this way. He was so perfect for me but it has to end in tragedy. I was madly in love. I couldn’t let him go but he let me go. He gave up and I gave up too. I surrender. Maybe marriage isn’t for everyone. Maybe having a career and being independent suits me better. I just can’t be alone and that’s an issue. I guess I will have to be alone for a while until I meet the man of my dreams. However, he was the man of my dreams. I don’t know if I can find anyone better than him. If only love could be easy peasy. Maybe nothing is easy. Everything we love we must labor for to harvest the good fruits. It’s not as easy when we were kids like when our parents just give away free money to us and make us food ready on the table each morning and just love us so freely. If life was that easy then I would’ve been married to him by now. But I’m not.

I just want to curl in a fetal position and cry all day in bed. I don’t want to go out. I don’t want to do anything. I just want to relieve my stress and hurt inside me somehow. I don’t want to go through this anymore. The pain is piercing deep inside me. I have to take so much antidepressants for this for it to go away. Go away! Go away! Just leave me alone you painful misery! I guess the quickest fix is antidepressants. Perhaps it’s the only way for it to go faster. I wish I have the luxury like some people to just drink it away and wash it away to reach sobriety. I’ve been on medication for a long time so I’m stuck. A benefit to taking medication is that it helps me forget everything, my past and my relationship with him. I could never forget him and will always love him but I just won’t obsess over it as much. I just need time for recovery and healing. It could take 6 months to a year, who knows. Most important is that I continue to love myself and be patient with myself and someday the right man will come along.

My future plans post-break-up would be to go back to school and improve on my skills to get a better career. Spend more time with friends and family and relax. Probably take some vacations with my friends. It’s hard because of quarantine but let’s see. Maybe take some fun classes and get some new hobbies. Meet some new people and explore the world. Lots of coping mechanisms out there. Just have to keep searching for it earnestly and be ready to experience new things in life and just keep learning and learning. Learn to be a better person for a better world to come.