To: You. Love, Me.

Dear you,

There are a hundred people I could have written this letter to, but I've decided to dedicate this moment to someone who needs to hear this the most... you. My past self.

I hope you're listening, because you need to hear this, and it's better if it's coming from me.

I haven't always loved you. I've spent many years poisoning you with so many horrible things... too many cigarettes, too much alcohol, tons of drugs, junk food, abusive relationships, negative thinking, self-hate, people-pleasing, and worst of all: apathy.

Believe me when I say I'm sorry.

I know we don't have many friends. I know you're lonely. I know you're tired, and depressed, and it doesn't help being out of work during the pandemic. You think you're fat, you think you're ugly, and you think you have to change so people will love you.

You don't.

And I'm sorry I made you believe that.

We have to address where that comes from, even though we both have a clear idea. So please read this carefully: What happened to you is not your fault.

Read it over, and over, and over again until it sinks in.

I know you've spent so many years circling the same problems. Day and night you consider the same burning questions. Why doesn't my family care about my needs? Don't they love me?

Why did the only person I've ever loved leave me to marry someone else?

Did I deserve to be raped? Did I deserve to be abused as a child? Am I gay? Bisexual? Transgender? Is the fact that I'm questioning my gender and sexuality a trauma response, or am I just finally getting to know myself for the first time?

And why has it taken me 30 years to do that?

Why don't I have friends?

Am I stuck here in my hometown forever?

Would my family still love me if I put myself first?

It's exhausting, I know. Cyclical, even. But the question you've needed to ask yourself for a long time is just this...

How do I let go so I can be free?

The answer will come, but I'll give you a hint: forgive yourself.

You've done enough. You are enough. You've created beautiful things and some happy memories. You are exactly where you're meant to be. Your situation is not a prison with a life sentence.

You are allowed to change.

And when you do, it's going to hurt. You will feel isolated and scared. You will wonder if the universe has abandoned you, and you will cry yourself to sleep every night for several years.

I'm here to tell you it's worth it.

One day, you'll look back at this time of your life and wonder how you ever made it through. You'll realize that the terrible things which happened to you are not happening now, and there's no reason to keep reliving them. You don't have to hurt yourself because others hurt you.

They say those mountains you are carrying were only meant to be climbed. This is true, if cliche.

You've always known you were meant for something different than a small town in Wisconsin with a husband and a family and a 9-5 career.

Please, let yourself be free of those ideals. They don't serve your purpose. Let go of people who expect this of you, even if it hurts to do it.

Once you allow the universe to guide you, you will be surprised how everything worked out in your favor. Follow your intuition, and you will never be led astray. You will make mistakes, you will be embarrassed, and you will feel like nobody understands you.

That's okay. Keep doing you. Keep going. Keep giving. Keep loving.

You are an artist. You are capable. You are your own savior. Believe me when I say, it takes someone with great power to pull themselves out of the muck. You have great magic at your fingertips.

When you decide to change, it won't be easy. But you will look at your 9-year-old niece, who is looking up to you, and remember that she deserves a powerful ally in this life. She needs to see someone who loves herself and makes life happen. You want to show her that trauma is conquerable. You want her to know the world is hers, if she wants it.

So step one: tell your body you want to be its friend, and see how much it changes.

Tell your mind you to give you inspiration, and see how well it serves you.

Tell your heart you are open to new possibilities, and see how many beautiful things and brilliant people enter your life.

Most of all, please remember that you deserve it.

You deserve to be content. You deserve to have peace. You deserve a fulfilling, happy life, despite all the horrible things that have happened.

So this is my love letter to you. To me. To us.

Thank you for being strong, even though you thought you couldn't make it through the night. And thank you for thinking of me, the future you, so we could continue on this miraculous journey called life together.

I hope you remember this when you're feeling sad, so you can pick yourself back up again. You are strong, and you are worthy.

Thank you, I love you, and I forgive you.

Love,

me