To Us

Remember. Remember they ask, but remember what? How can I remember anything. Anything but her smile. The crinkles at the corner of her eyes every time she laughed at one of my boring jokes.

The lights flashing around me are too much. Too much, I can't remember what they want me to. They ask me my name...I know that. Lettie I say, but barely hear my own voice over the cacophony around me. A swirl of red and blue lights and dancers. No, not dancers, police men and firefighters. Right, the restaurant. I take a deep breath and try to concentrate on the question but all I can think of is Ophelia... no Margaret, that was her real name. I remember asking her her name and when she said it was Margaret I said "there's no way that's your name, you're way to beautiful" so she laughed and asked me what name I'd give her and I said Ophelia, and she said she would gladly be my Ophelia.

A cough, I look up to see the police women still starring at me. Right, she doesn't care about these types of anecdotes, she wants to know what happened. I look around behind me and notice the smoke. The smoke, the fire, the building coming down around us, the door blocked. The only escape out of the suffocating hell hole was a blocked off door. I can feel tears blur my vision but swallow them down and use the blanket I was given to cocoon myself off from whatever is happening.

I know I have to remember, I'm the only left that could answer, but I just don't have the energy to. I need to see Ophelia, know she's okay, she's alright, the column falling down on her wasn't a big deal, it was made of air, of cloud... she's alright. If I could just see her, I explain to the officer, I could remember correctly what happened. But she tells me I can't see anyone right now. Why? Why can't I see anyone? Why would she not allow to see the woman I was on a date with? That's pretty crappy. And I tell her that, I say "that's pretty crappy, I'm a victim not the one who caused the damn fire" she looks at me funny and tells me the 'bodies' yes, she calls my Ophelia a 'body' are going to the morgue, she tells me I can see the BODY later.

The body. That's all Ophelia is reduced to. A nameless thing that holds no sentimental value to anyone according to this police officer. I feel like I'm going to throw up. I hunch over, putting my head between my legs and take deep breaths. The bout of nausea subsides but I still feel wrong. Maybe its the ash covering my head or the fact that my bare legs are covered in smudged coal and looking at them looking so dirty makes me itch, and so I start to scratch at them but then I'm stopped by the officer. She tells me to take deep breaths as if I'm not already doing that but then my breaths are too deep, and I can't keep up and now my breathing is coming out in shallow exhales because there's just not enough air out here. A hand on my shoulder, someone tells me something but I can't hear them over the rush of blood in my ears. They lay me down on my back and repeat whatever the just said. I concentrate on their hand on my shoulder. The pressure calms me , calms enough that I just burst out crying. I cry for lost time I deserved to have with Ophelia. Yes, it was only our first date but I could tell we could be so much together. I wanted to own a family of dogs with her. Go to the dog park every weekend and just laugh and be happy and plant needless flowers in our front yard, because of course we'd buy a house. We couldn't have a family of dogs in a crappy two bedroom apartment. But now, those dreams are just gone. The fire did that. It destroyed all my hopes and dreams and burnt them till they were black crisps of nothing, taken away by the wind. Melted down until they were puddles of unidentifiable goo.

The hand leaves its place and instead the police officer comes into view. She asks me if I'm better, if I'm ready to talk. I am, I have shed all the tears I needed to, for now. I sit up and remember the burst of electrical shock we all heard. No one could tell where exactly it was coming from. But then there was an explosion on top of the front door and that made the whole building collapse in that area. All of a sudden the air became so clouded with smoke it was hard to breathe. I remember hearing people coughing horribly and stepping on crushed glass. I also remember not being able to take my eyes off the spilled glasses of Merlot Ophelia and I had just ordered ourselves. The start of a wonderful evening... or so It should have been. I tell the officer about the crumbling walls so suddenly surrounding everyone that no one knew where right or left was. Panic. Panic can make people act in weird ways. Like instead of trying to clear the entrance, people rushed to the back, but for some reason there was a bunch of fire there already. So then instead of turning back around they just sort of screamed. Screamed and coughed and made disgusting gagging noises until I couldn't tell anything apart anymore. Until I was too exhausted so I fell down and finally saw something I wish I would never have had to see. Ophelia, crushed under the pillar that had been right next to our table. It seemed so safe to be beside a pillar. As if its strong ornate structure would protect us instead of crushing one of us to death.

I stop abruptly telling what I remember. I can't go on. I can't keep recalling Ophelia's eyes opened. Those eyes held one hundred years of fear, of lost hope, of abandon. I can't think of them. Of those beautiful rich brown eyes. Of- I can't.

I think the police officer finally thinks I've told her enough because she thanks me and walks away. That's it. I'm one of those useless "bodies" to her now.

The blur of noise and commotion goes on for a while, I couldn't tell you for how long. Fifteen minutes or all night. It felt like all night. Less and less police cars around, the ambulances all gone. The one I was seated in also left. The person in charge of it asked me if I was okay or if I felt the need to go to the hospital. And even though I feel like I've been dragged under a bus I'd rather feel like that in my familiar apartment then in the cold whiteness of the hospital. So I told them I was fine.

I stayed sitting on the curb across the destroyed restaurant till the last emergency vehicle left. Till the building slightly sent residue smoke in the cold night air. Till the sky got darker and darker until it suddenly changed and decided to become lighter. Dawn. Dawn yet I'm still reliving what happened as if it was moments ago. Yet it feels so far away, as if it could not have happened to me. Not me, nor Ophelia. My Ophelia....