To The Loving Father Figure

Dear Grandpa,

You are the biggest parental figure in my life. You may not be my father, but you were a father for me. And I felt so loved by you. No matter what was going on, you made me feel like I mattered. Doing things for me that I appreciate to this day. Even though I didn’t really appreciate them as much as I should when I was a kid.

I appreciate the way you love me so much.

And I appreciate the fact that we did for fun. Like the fishing trips that we went on. Several times either just you and me. Or the few times we went with some of my cousins. Even if we can’t do that anymore. They were by far the best times of my life. No matter what time we got up in the morning or how late we stayed. Hell, I wouldn’t have cared if we didn’t catch a lot of fish. Spending time with you was some of the best parts of it.

I appreciate the way you made me feel like I was worth something. Even on days that I felt terrible about myself. You were the biggest reason that I kept going. Still are the reason that I keep going.

For so many years I didn’t show you my appreciation enough. And I know that I took every kind thing you’ve done for granted. But grandpa, I love you so much. Appreciate everything that you’ve done for me so far. And I hope that I can give you all my love. Show you just how much I appreciate the kindness you give me. No matter how much time you have left. A thing that I have been trying to not think of for a while now. I want to be here for you and to do everything that I can to help you. I wish that I could prove that I love you so much. But I know that I’m failing that.

Failing to show you how much I adore you.

Because I’m a scared little kid. Scared of going near you right now thanks to everything that’s happening. Grandma going to the nursing home. You being so sick and turning to alcohol. How much weight you’ve lost since I last saw you. And I hate that I’m too cowardly to tell you how worried I am. I love you. It isn’t anywhere near enough or anything like that, grandpa. I know it isn’t. It really isn’t. And I wish that I could be there for you. But right now, I’m too distressed to even begin to try.

And you’d probably be right there with me to help if you could.

I’m sorry, grandpa. I’m so sorry that I can’t help you feel less lonely about grandma. With her being in the nursing home. Forgetting everyone thanks to her Alzheimer’s. I know how scary and distressing it is for you. Or I can imagine how it is. The love of your life is essentially gone now, and you live alone in that big empty house. How frustrated you are that she can’t remember you. And that they’re not letting you visit because of your temper. Along with the threat that you made over pizza.

I wish that I could be a better grandson to you.

But I really do appreciate everything that you’ve done for me. And I wish that I could do more to show my appreciation. Like helping you out more and living with you when you were going to ask. Though I see now it was for the best that I didn’t. After everything that’s happened with grandma and you.

I’m sorry and I love you so much,

Raphael Fontenelle.

P.S: I’m so grateful that you’re in my life, grandpa. And I’m sorry that I haven’t shown you it enough.