To my first ex boyfriend

I thought you were joking when you said you wanted to break up.

You were joking the first time. You were always joking around, making me feel so gullible.

This time you weren’t joking. You weren’t lying. It was the truth. It was reality.

And I couldn’t handle it.

As much as I wanted to refuse reality, I couldn’t. It wasn’t a dream.

You broke me.

I let you in. I opened up to you — for you. I guess I didn’t try hard enough.

It was because I was “embarrassed”. It was because I hung out with one of my best friends — your cousin. Hell, I didn’t even know of your existence until I became friends with your cousin.

I wasn’t embarrassed because of you. I was embarrassed because of myself. I’m scared of making a fool of myself. I’m scared of being judged and teased.

And people did talk about me.

I hate that I let it get to me. I hate that I naturally care so much about what other people think of me. I hate that I have to put on a façade to protect myself from other people.

I can’t change who I am.

I’m not going to give up my friends for you. I’m not going to change who I am for you. If you want me then you have to accept me as I come.

But you couldn’t.

You told me to let go. You told me to get over it. You told me to forget and to move on.

Do you have any idea how hard that is?

Do you just expect me to continue on like nothing happened? Like we were nothing? Like ‘us’ never happened, and that everything is fine and that I’m ok?

I don’t want to forget about the paragraphs you wrote for me,

Forget how it felt to hold your hand,

Forget how nice it was to feel your warmth,

Forget the way my heart would race each time we kissed,

Forget how excited I’d get when my watch would buzz with a text from you,

Forget every ‘I love you’.

I can pretend that I’m over you but I can’t pretend that none of this ever happened.

The days after you broke up with me were a struggle.

I felt like I couldn’t trust anyone. I distanced myself from the world and I suddenly felt lonely. We’d always text each other — every day if we could. Now, my notifications are empty. There’s no reason to be excited when my phone lights up or when my watch buzzes. There’s no one waiting for me on the other side.

It was difficult to go out in public and see happy couples walking around, cuddling, holding hands. I went to the markets and passed by a stall that sold socks. I remembered that day I gifted you those socks. Your fascination for them is adorable. I don’t think you wear the ones I gave you anymore but that’s fine. They’re probably at the back of your closet, or someplace else where you don’t have to see them and be reminded of me.

In all honesty, I wanted to cry and break down right there.

Not a day goes by that I don’t think about you. You somehow always make your way back into my thoughts. Everything seems to remind me of you. Everything is associated with you.

Maybe I’m overthinking this. Maybe I’m overreacting. I’m not clingy I swear. Its just that you’ll always have a place in my heart. You came into my life and impacted me. You were my first boyfriend, my first kiss. You can’t just be nothing to me.

Flicking through photos of us, I feel so emotional. You made me feel happy. I could talk to you and you’d listen to my problems. You made me laugh, you pissed me off, you made me smile, you made me swoon.

Using past tense hurts because now there’s no one like that for me anymore. To say that I loved you is painful.

To see other couples is now a funny feeling to me. I see pictures on social media of other couples, with their arms around each other, cuddling up and smiling. I realised what it looks like to be in a relationship. I see the way these other couples act towards each other and I now realise how bad of a girlfriend I was. Too shy to let the world know, too insecure of the judgement. I am at fault and honestly I don’t blame you for breaking up with me because of it. I was mad at you before because I didn’t understand.

Being in and out of my first relationship, I have learned from it. I don’t think I could have done any better though. It’s not something I can control.

Reading my romance novels is equally as bad. Reading the fictional stories of couples getting together and doing cute things for each other, I miss that. My heart aches having to scan over those words and realise that once upon a time I felt that, and I was relating to the characters even more than before.

I’m slowly forgetting how it felt to have you. I’m forgetting the way it felt to be in your arms and the way it felt to kiss you.

And that’s what you want, right? For me to forget.

I know I’m avoiding you but I can’t help it. I want to be friends again and build our friendship back up but I don’t know how. Where am I supposed to start? I don’t want to keep avoiding you. I want to laugh at your crazy stories. I want to be able to talk to you like none of this ever happened. I want to be able to trust you as much as I once did. I want to be able to look at you in your beautiful eyes again.

It took a good while but I finally managed to find the courage to try and spark a conversation with you.

Except everything is awkward now.

I tried to text you instead but you were so blunt.

Then you sent me something else...

You now have eyes for another girl — and you had to ask me if I was ok with it.

And over time you’ve made it quite clear that she is a better than me. My mind feels the need to compare myself to her because she is everything I cannot be.

She is one of the popular kids and looks good in anything. She has curves and is way prettier than I’ll ever be.

And just to rub it in even more, she’s younger and shorter than you.

You and I, we’re too different. We probably never would have worked out no matter what.

I have to surpress my insecurities and remind myself that you are just one of many.