Times Change

Oh, how much I wish I was frozen…in time. I love life and people too much to continue without them. I want them with me and would love them to carry on this journey by their side. Hand in hand like life was meant to be. In harmony. Sure, some oppose but that’s ok. We love them anyway. We love the people we grew up with, we love the younger brother we picked on but also love the hassle we got from them. It was playful and it was nothing but love. I remember we used to go onto the bus pushing and shoving just to see who will be first. Times it became personal but at the end we shared the same seat. He was my hero. My hero to stand by me as I would be with him. He influenced me to be a better man like him and he also showed me the brighter side of things. Always did tell me that everything will be just fine.

Oh, how much I wish I can freeze those moments… now we joke. We gossip… we talk and laugh. It's like the good old days when we were young but now he’s off. I watched him too. I watched him as I wanted to cry. To leave down the hall and realize this is my big brother and he’s my best friend. I know too we have a life, but I also know I cannot lose him. I can’t lose him to the other people who would not think the same about him like I do. They wouldn’t know what I know. So, I write… he's off to another school…

Dear diary, my brother went off to college and I can’t wait to meet him, hand in hand, as brothers through. I would have his back, and he has my back sort of speak. We will be fine. I think we will. I think he has seen me eating alone, as I know I’m kind of shy and keep to myself. He will sit with me. I know he will bump into me, and we will have the same old laughs as we used to. “If you’re not last you’re a rotten egg.” I miss that and when I’m in my classes ill think I’m doing good for our parents and for my brother, because I know I miss them, and I miss him. All I want to do is make it right for them. To make them proud.

From what I remember he's this big strong guy, he pushes himself and my gosh… I heard him stand up to mom one time and it felt different. It wasn’t harsh or whatever… it was different. He knew what was right and I guess ever since dad left someone had to stand up to the plate. Unfortunately, that’s just how life goes… so he said. He shrugged it off, but mom came back with a slipper. Yea they didn’t talk until supper, but when supper came they both laughed and talked like nothing happened. I still remembered the slipper, but they didn’t. they just remembered the bond that a mother and a son should have.

So dear diary... I love my brother and once I come to meet him in college as he’s finishing, I hope the best. I know as the younger brother I will even protect him. That’s what they say right? Pick the biggest bully in high school… I’ll call my brother first then let’s talk mister! So, I thought this was going to be different… I do look forward to being with friends and family like a little posse. Hoarding a table to themselves. For now, ill sit around the lonely table… it’s been weeks and I must sit in the library to sneak my lunch. Its either get caught by the librarian or eat alone at that table or the fourth floor. Whatever ever it be I’m looking towards the future and how great it will be.

Just heard my brother graduated, earlier than I thought. I’m happy. But now I’m here, alone but that’s ok. I know what I must do. I have my own dreams and goals. That’s why I spent most of my time at the library. I have stories and poems; I’m even writing a script for a play next week. If you may ask it’s called “Holy Macaroni.” Trust me… even I didn’t want that in my resume.

It's about this guy to find his wife passed away… he changes his life just to find out in the worst way she was alive this whole time. Her excuse was… “I’m just testing you,” a couple is a long-time sweetheart. Even I thought that story didn’t fit the title but hey, I just write based on what I’ve been given. Based on that I would’ve called it heart attack.

I’m under a lot of pressure. My brother moved out. I have exams and I have my parents screaming at me to get a good job. No wonder he moved out. We don’t really keep in touch but… we have the occasional hello. I think its quite friendly but it's not the same. A lot different than I remember, not sure what to make of it.

Dear diary…I can’t find my brother. I skipped school and I blame my mom for all of this. If it wasn’t for them he wouldn’t have left. I got the short end of the stick because he’s not here. So, what, just because I’m here means nothing. I have been nothing from the start. Oh, football player this, good grades that, gf is potential for us. Nothing but bull from the start and I’m growing up to see that! That doesn’t take care of the fact that he’s gone! They are harsh and they were harsh on me. Brother, I’ll find you… one day I’ll come joke and laugh with you once again.

Time has passed and now I’m being taken away from home… they’re not telling me why. I asked for my brother. I screamed it. I asked repeatedly and they just gave one answer… I’m sorry son… he’s gone. My mom got taken to some hospital and me? I’m in the process of foster care. Apparently, they don’t believe she will make it.

Update… she passed away at the hospital. I came to know that my mom and brother got into a car accident the day before. A car lost traction or whatever and it was a head on. Out of all, I’m just happy it was instant. But my regrets with not being the son or being there to laugh more. I’ll regret it for the rest of my life. I was scared to be alone and now… now I know what it feels like to be alone.

Dear diary… I finally found my journal in a duffel bag. I thought it was lost. A year has passed and never written again ever since, not even one poem. I suppose I kept everything bottled up. I’m making my last entry. I been through three foster homes this year and I’m in the process of going into another. I guess I’m just too much to handle.

If this was my last journal entry I would say… dear diary. Life has changed and so did you. I never wrote ever since but I kept those thoughts close. I lost everyone but I’m here, I always will be. So, from here on out I will continue to try and love the memories I have even though I am haunted with regrets and shame. Wishing I was better and wish I knew that every day wasn’t guaranteed. So, my last entry… right. I want to say, love. Love your siblings, your parents, life, nature, everything that life has to offer but most importantly… life itself. I don’t think I’ll write again so until some time I think of an update ill be here. For now, stay well.