Ticket to Hell

"Hell hath no fury like a…like a…”

Dammit.

Jinx scratched the boils on his head with a pointy claw, he knew this one, he was sure he knew this one.

“You don’t know this one” his shadow told him, sitting cross legged on the chair beside him.

“Shut up, Stain” Jinx murmured, “I do so”

“Crosswords aren’t your strong suit”

“I’m great with words” Jinx shot back

“Uh huh”

Jinx shot his shadow an evil sidelong glance, “Why do I keep you around, again?”

His shadow’s head turned, returning his gaze as it flipped him the bird.

“Hey!” Jinx protested.

“You be good with words, I’ll good with symbols” Stain offered.

“You’re a jerk” Jinx shot back plainly, “and you’ll pay for it.”

Stain stretched out in the recliner, his hazy feet extending into points along the craggy floor.

“It’s eight o’clock.”

“So?” Jinx asked plainly.

“It’s eight o’clock, Jinx.”

Jinx looked up at the dial beside the framed picture of his horned grandparents on the mantle: eight o’clock.

“Dammit!” Jinx said again and leapt up, tripping over the cat at his feet. Archimedes took a swing and hissed, digging his tiny cat nails into the soft skin above Jinx’s hoofed foot.

“Ow! You little —“

“Time is wasting, Jinx.” Stain said in that bored way of his.

His master didn’t answer. He grabbed his hat from the peg, unfurled his wings and flew through the door.

Being a demon was hard work, it was harder work when you were late to terrorize the civilians of earth realm — especially when you missed the bus.

Jinx flew like a bat out of hell (which essentially he was — his grandmother had been two-thirds of the fruit variety, after all) and came to a jarring stop at the terminal.

“Last call for port!” The lizard faced driver called, “Last call for the upside port, number —!”

“Is this bus headed for North America?” Jinx interrupted her.

The driver regarded him silently for a moment, “Hello, sweetheart and how are y—“

“North Am-er-i-ca” Jinx repeated in syllables, as if she were hard of hearing, “I need to get to NA, I’m late”

“North America, now that’s a popular place” the driver replied, her words hissing out slow as molasses, “I’ve never been there myself, but the place is supposed to have a lot of good stuff for us: greedy stock brokers, naughty kids, overzealous sports fans —“

“Yeah, you’re right, it’s peachy” Jinx said in a hurry, “little slice of hell, really, but I’m in a hurry, so if you could just tell me if this is my ride?“

The lizard stared him down, blinking one eye, and then the other, both sets of lids.

“Hello!” Jinx sung, “Look, I have to be up there to terrorize in less than an hour and I have a review coming up at the end of the week with the big guy, so…” He spread his hands apart with a smile, as if to say, see my dilemma?

“They over eat” the lizard told him.

“Excuse me?” Jinx asked, blinking himself now.

“They fall asleep during the advance” she continued, “they litter.”

“It’s five after, Jinx” Stain hissed from somewhere near his elbow.

“Thank you, big ben!” Jinx hissed back, a quip he’d picked up whilst being upside.

“They renamed Big Ben” the lizard said slowly, “For the queen of England’s jubilee, did you hear that?”

“Did they!” Jinx asked her, in mock amazement, “Fantastic, had no idea! Now is this the bus headed for NA because, you see, as I mentioned, I’m running a little late.“

“They did” she continued, as if he’d never spoken, “She’s been on the thrown sixty years…well, that was back a few years now, so over sixty years. Really inspiring lady, in fact, I doubt she’s ever been spooked by our people, she’s a real gem. Solved a bunch of human problems right from the word go.”

“Well, that is…exciting!” Jinx nodded, though he honestly couldn’t care less about old news effecting some human, upside. “Now does this bus go to —“

“The thing I like about England” The driver cut him off, “is that the people there are so polite.”

“Can she hear me?” Jinx asked Stain, “Where are her ears?” He eyed the holes on either side of her scaled head.

“They serve beans for breakfast though” she added, “I don’t get that.”

“Lady!” Jinx snapped, “Is this freaking bus ever going to leave? And if it does, where in hell is it going?”

The lizard may have frowned, it was hard to know with the flat line of her jaw. Jinx raised his eyebrows.

The driver silently folded her hairy arms and tilted her head, “Well now, this bus doesn’t tour around Hell” she told him flatly, “Its route is on the upside.”

Jinx took a breath, doing his best not to strangle her,

“I’m well aware of that” he told her evenly, “that’s why I’m asking —“

“You asked where in hell the bus is going.” She pointed out.

“Time.” Stain told his master.

“Okay,” Jinx told his shadow and the driver, “where in hell, was just a turn of phrase.”

“No turn of phrase I’m familiar with” the driver replied.

“But it is one” Jinx said nodding, “all the same. Now, where in the upside is. This. Bus. Going?”

“Did you buy a ticket?” The lizard asked.

“What ticket?”

The driver unfolded her arms, “You’ll want a ticket.”

Jinx looked at the driver and then at his shadow.

Stain shrugged, “I dunno.”

“No,” Jinx answered the driver, turning back around, “I don’t…where the hell did she go?”

He whipped his head back and fourth, turning his whole body with his momentum.

“Watch it!” An imp yelled, as it got slapped in the face with his wings.

“Yea, sure” Jinx called back and turned back to his shadow, “I don’t see her, do you see her?” He looked into the closed doors on the bus.

“What I see” Stain told him, “is that you don’t have time to worry about where that old hag fish went. You’re gonna be late for work and the big guy is gonna torture you for a month, or worse — send you past the clouds.”

“Don’t even joke about that” Jinx snapped, “it’s not funny.”

Stain sighed, “Look, go get your ticket. That way, when the croc comes back, you can get on.”

The demon nodded, “You're right, let's go.”

He walked the length of the platform, rounding the jagged corner of the brimstone building and pushed his way through the door.

“Awe, come on now!”

Stain let out an audible sigh. The line was snaking from reception, all the way through the roped off zig zag maze and back to the door.

“We’re gonna be here for eternity!” Jinx whined.

“Is this the line?” A rat faced, giant asked them.

“Yeah” Jinx nodded, “You believe this — hey!”

Jinx through his arms out, as the other demon stepped in front of him,

“You can’t just take my spot!”

“You weren’t in line” the rat shrugged.

“We were in line!” Jinx countered, "We were just…”

He trailed off as the rat jerked a thumb at the sign posted behind him:

LINE STARTS HERE.

“Way to go.” Stain mocked.

Jinx rolled his eyes, “Fine.” He said shortly, but the rat ignored him.

The line moved by in inches.

“We’re cutting it close.” Stain informed him, as the rat walked off with a piece of grey paper in hand.

“Come on,” Jinx muttered under his breath, “Come on.”

“NEXT WICKET!” A gravelly voice called out.

Jinx shot to the counter with a burst from his wings, “I need a ticket to —“ his jaw went slack, as he stood in front of the Lizard, their faces separated by half an inch of glass.

“How can I help?” The lizard asked him.

“How — you…”

“I’m lovely, sweetheart” the lizard informed him, slowly, “thank you for finally asking, and how about yourself?”

“What in hell are you doing in here!” Jinx asked her.

“I’m selling tickets” she informed him smoothly.

“I thought you were a bus driver!”

“Dave’s the driver, but he’s sick in the can.” The lizard replied, “Sometimes I do fill in though” she added, “in a pinch.”

Jinx balled his fists and flailed them around in frustration, “Never mind!” He told her, “I need a ticket.”

The lizard made a show of clicking her nails across her keyboard and printing a tiny slip of paper.

“Here you are, dear,” she told him, passing it under the window, “one ticket.”

Jinx snatched it up, shooting her daggers and made to leave.

“You need to cash your ticket, dear,” the false driver told him, pointing to another wicket to her left, “and have a good day.”

“What! I don’t have time!” He huffed, but the lizard was already closing up shop. Jinx stomped to the next counter, diving in front of an offended looking bull shark.

“Here’s my ticket!” He practically yelled at the spider behind the window, slapping the paper down.

“Sir, I’m sorry, but we’re closed.”

“Cash it!” Jinx thundered

The spider clicked her pincers, narrowing all eight of her eyes, “Very well, sir”

Jinx sighed in relief as the spider took the ticket. She returned a minute later, sliding a black notebook across the counter.

“And there you are!” She said brightly.

“No, no” the demon informed her, “I need a —whatever you cash your bus ticket in for.”

The spider shook her head, “It’s not a bus ticket, sir. You never need a ticket to ride the bus.”

“But…what the hell is this?” Jinx asked her, flustered.

“It’s the vacationer's package, sir” the girl told him, as if he were thick, “Notebook, twenty-thousand human spending dollars for the upside, and a coaster!”

“But I bought a ticket for the bus.” Jinx told her confused.

“You bought a ticket for, Neal.” The girl corrected him, “Limited edition too, there were only sixty made and between us, I think they were manufactured to make a point.”

“Neal?”

“You know Neal” the spider told him, “or knew, I should say. Big hairy fellow, nose like a star…no?” She asked his blank stare, “Okay, well, he use to be the best terrorizer in the seventh ring, but then he upset the big guy, and…” she shrugged, tapping the book “this is what’s left of him.”

“So,” Jinx started, pinching the space between his eyes, “I don’t need a ticket to get on the bus?”

“No, sir” the spider replied, “Just for Neal. Now excuse me.”

She sat the closed sign in front of them and wandered off to pick up her purse.

Jinx shook his head at Stain, who tapped his translucent wrist, kicking his master back into action. Jinx flew out the front doors and landed next to the bus’ closed doors, loose bills flying.

He blinked as the Lizard looked out at him from the inside.

“Let me in!” Jinx demanded

“The doors are closed now, dear.” The lizard informed him, “You’ll have to wait for the next bus.”

“But you —!” Jinx started.

She smiled, (it was easy to tell, even with her flat jaw) and drowned him out with the squeak of the hydraulics as she began to move.

Jinx stood open-mouthed on the pavement staring after her, as the spider walked by.

“Hey” Stain asked her.

“Hmm?”

“Exactly what did Neal do to…” he pointed to the black notebook in his master’s hand.

“Oh,” the spider nodded, “well, word is, he missed work.”

“Missed work.” Jinx echoed hollowly and the girl nodded and walked off.

“Woman scorned” Stain told him, sourly.

“What?”

“The answer to your crossword”

“You know what?” Jinx asked sarcastically, “That is so helpful, but I don’t happen to have it on me, so…”

“Then write it in your notebook.” Stain snapped and they both watched silently as the Bus drove off.

End