Three Owls

It was nine years ago I started my dream job. Mike was one of the few co-workers in my peer group. He always smiled when our eyes met. We often ate lunch together and would find ourselves engulfed in conversation well after our 30-minute lunch break. We would voluntarily stay later to make up the time but would still end up talking after hours.

Three months into our intense flirtation, we found ourselves making out on our boss's desk. It felt as though electricity was passing between us. I was so overwhelmed with the warmth of his lips and the gentleness of his hands I wasn't sure if this was ever going to stop.

I pulled away very gently, took a deep breath, looked deep into his eyes, and said, "I think I better get home." I was hoping my eyes were telling him how much I enjoyed what was happening, but I still want to have a job in the morning.

He rubbed the back of his hand along the side of my forehead. With our continued eye contact, I saw that smile again.

"Oh, okay. Yeah, that's probably for the best", he replied. "I'll walk out with you."

"Oh, you don't have to do that Mike, I'm sure I'll make it to my, car okay."

"Teresa, there is no way I'm letting you walk alone. Give me a few minutes to pack up."

So, I did. We walked to my car in total silence while exchanging a few gauche glances. Once we made it to my car door, we turned to look at each other. In an instant, his lips were pressed against mine. Eventually, I made it inside of my car and drove home. Once I made it home, I stood at the door for a while, reminiscing over the night I just had. As I was standing there starting to get worked up again, there was a knock at my door. It startled me. I looked through the peephole, and there was Mike. I opened the door with a puzzled look on my face. He didn't utter one word. He took me into his arms and carried me upstairs. A year later, we were married.

The first two years were so much fun. We traveled as much as we could. After our traveling adventure, we bought a house. Our real estate agent warned us that buying a big home would signal to the universe we needed to fill it. Two months later, she would prove to be right. We discovered it was twins! We were over the moon with excitement. At least until six months later, when I felt blood running down my legs. We lost our children that day. I, subsequently, lost my husband.

He became increasingly distant. He would barely look at me, talk to me, or touch me. I was an only child but living with Mike at this point was the loneliest I had ever felt in my life.

"Are you having an affair?" I finally blurted out after almost a year of this agony. For the first time in months, he looked me in my eyes. I wanted to be excited at this opportunity to remember how brown his eyes were; however, the terror they revealed let me know my excitement would be short-lived.

He moved out the next day.

We spent three months in a state of ambiguity. I've always been a night owl, but I found it impossible to get any sleep at all. Mike was living with his girlfriend but wouldn't pull the trigger on filing for divorce. I wasn't sure what to do. As I was sitting on the balcony of the home we once shared, I looked out into the dark sky. I heard a rustling in the trees. I squinted my eyes to get a better look at what was moving. I then saw an owl, with a heart-shaped face, dive down towards the ground and pick up what I believe was a mouse. As I watched her fly away, I admired the freedom of her movement. The shape of her face made me think of love, but the way she abducted that mouse, I thought she was savage. She was tough enough to stalk, hunt, and fight for what she needed and independent enough to fly away.

The next day I filed for divorce. I then moved to a new town about an hour away. We did a quick sale of our house, and I used that money to buy a bachelorette cave in the city. In no time, I met someone new.

Keith was smart. It didn't matter what topic I brought up; he always something he could input. He was the kind of guy that always opened my door, pushed me on the inside away from the street if we were walking together, and never let me pay for anything. He always seemed to care about what I wanted and was so good at listening.

He happened to stop by one day while I was looking for ways to update the bachelorette pad. "My ex got all of the tools in the divorce. I want to change the tile in my bathroom, but I don't have a wet saw anymore. I should have pushed harder to keep it during the divorce. Guess I'll figure that out eventually."

Two days later, Keith showed up at my house with a brand-new wet saw. It made me feel seen, heard, and loved. With one Home depot purchase, I was smitten.

Keith worked in my building, so we would often carpool. I would always bring a morning snack because he never had time to eat breakfast. He, in turn, always let me pick the music for the ride.

"What do you want to listen to today?" He would ask every morning

"How about Drake?" I responded this particular day

"Cool."

Secretly, I know he hated Drake's music, but he didn't flinch. With a scroll and a click, we were rocking and rolling.

He was separated with two kids. I always had a rule, not to date someone married or even divorced. But with my recent divorce, I think I relaxed my standards a bit. I never thought I would be a divorced woman mourning her children's loss, but here I was.

After almost three years of dating, he started to become more distant. He was spending as many nights as he could at my house, at least four nights a week. So, when he let a whole weekend pass with no text, no call, and no visit, I knew something was pulling him away. It took a few weeks, but he finally made the call.

"Hey Teresa, can we talk?"

"Sure, Keith, say what you need to say," I responded in a very stoic manner.

"Why are you saying that in that way?" He questioned.

"You've been distant for weeks. I barely see you anymore. Our conversations feel different when we do get to talk. You've always been a person with a multitude of responsibilities, but now you're 'busy.' Busy often means another woman. I have a feeling that's the case, right? And the woman is you're not quite yet ex-wife? Just tell me the truth."

There was a long silence and then a sigh.

"She tried to kill herself. She said she misses our family and doesn't want to live without me." There was another long pause, "I feel things when I'm with you I've never felt before. I don't want to let you go, but I have to make this work for the kids."

"I won't be a mistress, Keith. I won't."

As I felt the tears start to swell in my eyes, I hung up the phone.

I stayed in bed for three straight days, mostly crying and puking. I occasionally built up enough strength to make a grilled cheese and eat some ice cream. We call it comfort food, but I did not feel comforted. I felt empty. I wanted to stay in bed forever, but I knew I still had life to live. After the three days, the crying stopped, but the puking continued. It was a familiar feeling. When I was pregnant with the twins, we bought the more economical three-pack of tests, so I still had two tests available. I took one and felt my lungs close when I saw the positive sign. What in the world am I going to do with a baby made with a married man? I spent almost two weeks going back and forth with myself on what to do. I kept thinking about that heart faced bird—her mix of love, savagery, and freedom. I wanted to be free from my feelings and the burden of a pregnancy with a man I wanted to forget.

Maybe I could think clearer in a new location. It took me just three weeks to pack.

The drive to California took me four days. It felt great being out on the open road. Once you get past Ohio, the rest of the trip is high speeds, bugs, and flatlands. Being able to see that far ahead was a new experience. It made me wish I could see that far into the future.

I rented a small cottage surrounded by trees in Southern California. I loved the secluded feel, but I also loved knowing the city was still close.

Whenever I move to a new place, I insist on performing a thorough cleaning. In my typical night owl fashion, I was up at three in the morning dusting the ceilings. I paused a few times because I thought I heard screeching sounds but couldn't tell from where. I found the opening to the attic crawl space. I discovered what looked like a mother owl and her newly hatched owlets in a makeshift nest in the far-right corner. She, too, had a heart-shaped face, and I believed an injury to her wing.

I approached the family slowly. I didn't want to startle them. I was able to get close enough to determine her left wing was injured.

"Hi Sweetie, are you hurt? You poor thing. I'm so sorry. Can I try to help you? I promise not to do anything to hurt you further. My name is Teresa, what's yours? Maybe I'll call you Irma. You kind of look like an Irma. Any objections?" She remained silent. "Okay, Irma, it is."

I decided to look for a box and blanket for Irma. I wanted to get her to the vet and find something for her owlets to eat. I was rushing, which never works out well for me. Once I reached the first step, I lost my footing and fell to the floor below.

I hit my head on the ground and was passed out for a while. Once I woke again, I felt the cramps and the same fear rush over me as it did with the twins.

"Baby, just hold on. Please. If you make it through this, I promise I'll be the best mother you could ever wish for."

I wouldn't get that chance. I got myself to the hospital, but there was no heartbeat. They performed a D&C (Dilation and curettage) to remove what they referred to as tissue. I called her Sarah.

I was devastated. Why do you realize how much you love and desire someone after they are gone?

Between the procedure and my hitting my head so hard, my doctor forced me to spend the night in the hospital. I was so tired, I agreed with no hesitation. I needed to let someone else care for me. I didn't wake up refreshed, but I was eager to return to my life. When I made it back to the cottage, I heard faint hints of the screeching noise again and realized my new mamma was still up there hurting. I found that box and extra blanket, and Irma let me take her to the vet. After our trip, I spent six weeks helping Irma and her triplets. I bought mice from the pet store and made sure my new family stayed warm and fed. After six weeks, Irma was healed and able to fly as elegantly, as I assumed, she flew before. The triplets were now six weeks old and able to fly as well. I left the nest undisturbed. They were always welcomed to invade my attic.

With another failed pregnancy and a literal empty nest, I signed up to be a newborn companion at the same hospital I had my D&C weeks before. I still had love to give.

On my third day there, I was holding a little girl in the NICU. Her mother was high during the delivery, so she wasn't allowed to hold her. No other family came to visit, so they called me in.

I sat and held her for close to three hours when I looked up and saw what had to be the most handsome man I'd ever seen in my life. He was so stunning I gasped as I saw him.

"Yeah, girl, he's fine, ain't he?" I heard some random female voice say in my ear. I forget Nurse Esther was in the room with me.

"Yes, he sure is. Who is he?"

"That's doctor Thomas, Levi Thomas, and yes, he's single."

I tried so hard to stop staring before being spotted, but he looked up from his iPad in time to see me. I looked away quickly, but it didn't matter; he was walking over.

"Hi, I'm Levi." He reached his hand out to shake, but I was frozen in some lustful state, still holding a baby. He smelled like cocoa butter and latex.

"Oh, my bad, duh, you're holding a baby. I'm sorry. She's had such a rough start to life, poor thing. It is great people like you come and give these babies some comfort."

I did eventually gather my thoughts and was able to have a nice conversation with the handsome doctor. The night was slow, so we were able to chat between his rounds. The conversation was so alluring we ended up going for breakfast after his shift. We seemed so in sync. Similar and different in all the right places. He wanted kids. I wanted kids. He was just enough of a mama's boy that it was cute and not creepy. He was married before and had lost a child due to a troublesome birth. So, he didn't blink an eye when I told him about my twins or the recent pregnancy. Doctors discovered his ex had a malignant tumor, and the pregnancy made cancer worse. After the loss, she cheated on him, so I felt comfortable telling him about my ex, whom I just found out married the woman he cheated on me with. We bonded over some non-painful things as well. We both loved grilled cheese and promised to share one together one day.

That extended conversation led to two years of the most perfect relationship I've ever experienced. I felt like I finally understood the term soulmate.

Then it came. He dropped the bomb. He was still married. Sigh. It was happening again.

He reminded me about the doctor's tumor discovery. With the type of tumor she had, he wanted to ensure she maintained the best care. At one point during her remission, the cancer returned. They stayed married so she could continue taking advantage of his insurance and enhanced medical benefits. I understood why they did it. I understood that people could be married, but no longer connected as a spouse. I also knew that this situation was a personal trigger that made it too difficult for me to think clearly.

"Levi, I'm really in love with you, but I can't be a mistress."

"Teresa, you are not a mistress. This is only a marriage on paper. I really love you too."

I looked into his eyes and knew he was sincere. "I can't. I just can't."

He looked so disappointed, and it broke my heart to see the hurt on his face. He told me he understood, and he started to leave. I walked him out. Before he got into his car, he reassured me, "We haven't been anything close to resembling married in over four years. I promise you it's over. I just left things the way they are because I never thought I would meet anyone that would matter enough for this to be a problem."

I believed him, but wouldn't it be wrong to keep dating him?

I watched him drive off and begin to realize how circular my life was. I drove over 3,000 to escape heartbreak and the love I felt for a married man, just to end up in love with another. Irony.

I did my customary post-breakup ritual. Three days in bed with unlimited grilled cheeses. But this breakup was a bit different. I incorporated some deep cleaning. It had been a while since my owl family left. I decided it might be time to remove the nest I left intact in case they came back. Once I made my way to the attic, I took a long look at the step I missed my first night in the cottage. If I had just slowed down, I wouldn't have taken that tumble. I made my way to the nest and thought about the time I spent taking care of someone else's children. How that time led me to taking care of other human's children as well. As much as I enjoyed both dynamics, I felt ready to take care of my own. I made my way to the one window in the attic, and as I looked out, I saw two heart faced owls sitting on a tree branch. They looked like a male and female. It appeared as though they were resting as they leaned on each other. It was sweet.

As I looked closer, I saw a scar on the left-wing of the larger owl. Irma!! This must be her husband. He made his way back to her. Seeing them made me feel both warmth and sadness. I thought about Mike. We walked down an aisle, stood in front of people we loved, and made promises. He now made those same promises to someone else. Keith said he loved me. He made me feel loved, but he too was now loving and living with another woman. Now Levi was gone too. As much as loving and losing hurt, having to let go of three babies was overwhelming. By the time I finished cleaning every inch of the cottage, I felt okay with the idea of staying single and remaining childless. "If it isn't meant for me, it just isn't meant," is what I thought to myself. "And that's okay."

The next morning, I had a familiar bout of puking. I still had one test left from the initial three-pack. It didn't take long after I set the peed-on stick for it to turn the clear window into one containing a plus sign. I thought about my speech to myself the night before and chuckled a bit.

"Why does this keep happening?" I thought to myself, but then I smiled.

There was no question. I was keeping this baby. I just didn't know how to tell Levi. I avoided seeing him at the hospital. That only lasted a couple of weeks. A couple of my shifts overlapped with his. We made eye contact every time we were in each other's vicinity. My soul wept every time I saw him. I knew I needed to tell him, but I wasn't ready. With that positive pregnancy test

and pending pot belly, I knew it was time to quit my cuddling job.

Close to six months passed when I heard a random knock on my door. I still didn’t have many friends here, so pop ups were not a normal occurrence. With my full sized belly, by that point, it was taking me longer to get to the door. I made sure, no matter what, not to rush. Once I made it to the door, I looked through the peephole. It was Levi! I pulled away from the door. I felt the same shortness of breath I felt the first time I laid eyes on him. I was happy to see him, but then I felt panicked. I let so much time pass, how would I explain not telling him about the baby? I started to feel guilty. Wait, he didn’t tell me for 2 years he had a wife, so why am I feeling guilty? He finally interrupted this intense mental conversation I was having alone.

"Teressa, I know you're there. I saw your car. If you don't want to talk to me, that's fine; maybe you can listen."

I looked back through the peephole. He was still so handsome. I could smell the cocoa butter and latex through the door.

There was a long silence, and then I finally responded, at a low and docile decibel, "I'm listening."

I could see his smile through the peephole. It made me smile as well.

He stared at the door for a little while. I could tell he was trying to gather his thoughts.

"About three days after our talk, I called Elizabeth. After our initial pleasantries, I told her I wanted to talk about something, but she asked if she could go first. She got a great job offer in Europe, and she decided to take it. She has been out of work for so long she was so excited at the opportunity. She wanted me to know that she was moving and that this company provided a great medical plan. She figured it was time to file divorce papers. I laughed hysterically. I told her that I was calling because I met someone and was thinking the same. I told her all about you. Even she thinks you sound great! She was happy for me. We filed that week. I wanted to tell you immediately, but I didn't want you to think I was just being reactionary. I also wanted to make sure it was final before I even tried to get your back. I promise you it's final.”

Another thoughtful pause. “I'm ready. I still want nothing more than to be with you. We can just start over. Pretend we just met. How does that sound? I love you so much."

I was not ready to respond.

"Teresa? Please don't shut me out." He pleaded.

I opened the door with tears in my eyes. When he saw me, he smiled. Then he noticed my belly. His jaw dropped. "Is that…are you…”

I interrupted, "It might be a bit too late to ‘just start over’, but we could try to start again."

He grabbed me and held me so tight I couldn't breathe.

"I Love you too, Levi."

Ivy was born three months later. Right on time and without incident.

The three of us are as happy as ever!