Thoughts Of Contempt

Thoughts Of Contempt

Get not wrong what I am. There is nothing special about me. I am but a poor man in a poor situation. And I have always been poor. Living a sad life as a sadder subject of disappointment and rejection. I don’t know if I will never get to anywhere worthwhile no matter how hard I fight. I feel like my life is an uphill battle as I try crawling out of a pit of quick sand. And every time I reach the edge of the pit to crawl out of it, God is there to kick me back into it, while the devil drags me down with his tail. Everyone else is pointing, laughing, and mocking me as they set obstacles for me. I never win.

What I detest most of all is this curse placed on me to receive utter dismissal and disregard from everyone. (I wrote this while feeling alone, dejected, and hurt. Please, don’t let it scorn you. I truly wish I could share the relationships I once had.) No one listens to me, and when I’m gone, no one will. It will have been as if I was never important to anyone. I’ll have died alone with not a single person to love me as I would have desired to be loved. And while I would have a funeral, those who’d show up would be welcomed, even though I’d not be there to greet them in the physical. I hope they’d still accept me for who I am, as I’d prefer to leave behind memories of myself that they could smile about. Family means a lot to me, and it brings tears to my eyes when I think we’ve not spoken for a long time. I miss my family. As far as the enemies, those who’ve treated me with contempt and complete disrespect, they wouldn’t care about me enough to apologize for my passing any more than it makes them feel good to show up to a party to express fake sentiments. If it were true they cared for me, then they’d have visited me during my life. But they waited until my passing to visit. Typical!

When the time comes to make amends, few will rise to accept it. More so than not, people who have terms of rejection between them will hold onto such terms until they’ve lost opportunity. In their hearts they’ve accepted that it is easier to say goodbye, as a hypocrite who visits a funeral, than to admit wrongs during life. The evil in heart will accept it as an opportunity to celebrate through deceptive exhibitions of insincere sympathies. Their condolences are unnecessary, and, unappreciated are the false tears shed by them who value the feelings gotten from sympathy, even without having sincerity. Those kinds of people are interested in creating the emptiness of love, falsifying it because they serve a secret hatred for innocence which they share with their consorts. Their intent is to curse the soul after it has passed, as they wish for it to suffer ungodly darkness, impurity, and unholy torments. These are some of the hardest people to face. It has been what they’ve expressed with their creativity, and some other things that they value.

Here’s how I really feel. Loving unkind people was a mistake. They are mostly deceitful, and are only loving when a threat against them proves serious, as one that warns them they should fall back in line. But like a wave on the shore, the waters of men’s interests return to recede back into the deep.

Their shared minds are as an ocean of thoughts, each swallowed by a greater body until they are gathered collectively. If you swim in such thoughts you will be drenched in lusts and violence. It is an ocean filled with uncleanness, as mankind saturates his flesh with his own desires.

They fail their temporary lives by causing disorder, disobeying the source of all things, because it is deemed by them that it is more suitable to substitute the origin for manufactured creations, which are born of carnal desires and rogue minded interests. It results in regrets. They are all such dissatisfying disappointments.

My frustration is for many things. People take for granted all the goodness that was taught. More willing had they ever been to dismiss goodness than to progress their lives by virtue and principle. By liberty they corrupt themselves, by freedom they enslave justice, committing crimes against the oppressed.

‪Most people aren’t willing to receive correction as I have expected they’d be. Promise comes to those who are ready to receive it, are principled, and delight in progress and improvement. They preach of tolerance and acceptance, but only the faithful listen. They search in hope.‬ While the wicked in heart mock all that was loved by someone they hate. And they always defend their guilt, claiming the ones who lose to them are at fault for the same thing. Though, what do they see from it other than that they’ve done only harm in proving themselves right? They are vain, resting as their enemies are defeated, while pretending they fought a righteous battle, when the truth is they defeat even their own brethren unto death. Even rejecting the children who belong to their families, over something so petty. Their refusal to make amends is unfairness, and does not prove to be pleasing to the Lord. They would know better to be ashamed for such treachery and betrayal.

I detest them in order to serve the purpose of exposing them, not to appeal to them. I will die knowing they are wicked, and that they don’t deserve the welcoming of angels in heaven, as they presume to already have such graces granted to them. But they haven’t any works in the name of the goodness. Even charity by them is perverted, they let their other hand know what their giving hand does, and they brag about it to others. They utter such terms as having done a “good deed for the day?” How dare they assume that they aren’t being immodest and insincere?

What is in your heart answers so as to appeal to your senses, and gives desires for you to fulfill your thoughts and behaviors. Most people desire to satisfy their senses until they are fulfilled in them. Some choose what is acceptable, most choose what is not. This is evident in many areas of the world, and especially evident in everyday conversations. People talk about all that which proves they aren’t innocent, and this is something that gives them enjoyment. I think it’s appalling, but they’d challenge the notion with evil mindedness. Which, though it continues all the time, it is a reality that is laughable if you are vain, but serious if you understand what it means to you.

In the past there was a point when I had grown content with my life. But, it only lasted a short month or two, because, after I moved away and practiced a life of solitude and meditation, when I began to become enlightened, I noticed the corruption and negligence in the world, which it seemed people indulged in it intentionally, and that upset me to what seemed to be a great extent. Most of my capacity to love was replaced with a firm hatred which I bore for the filth and ignorance this is filling the lives of the people in the populous. And in response I felt two things were necessary. Either they deserved to be consumed by it completely, or they needed to sincerely improve their lives, putting them in order, by correcting themselves with self discipline under the guidelines of principle. I was denied of receiving any proper answer. They mocked the ideals I conceived in my mind, as well as, rejected any approval I sought to gain. People everywhere refused the idea of improving the basis of their livelihood, because fundamentally, they loved corruption, and giving that up was something they disliked more than death.

I understand though. Evil in the world didn’t allow me to maintain a state of contentment for long. And when they saw me fall from my point of strength against them, they quickly took opportunity to try removing me from the world. So I fought for over twenty years trying to get my point across, and I have been wasting my time. Except for the fact that I deserved to remain in peace, having a private life of solitude and freedom, it was a pointless situation to try and redeem. I’m still struggling to return my life to a reasonably desirable state of being for myself. I’ve realized that saving people is practically impossible, and the reason why is something I couldn’t accept. No one is truly willing to see it my way. And while my way is not for everyone, I found that while they intrusively and pervasively insisted on learning about my life, I realized my ways are only for me.

Humans seek to enjoy their lives without honor existing among them, because to them righteousness and cleanliness are undesirable. They seek the consequences of corruption, but hate to realize condemnation. So this is why they rebel... foolishly. I feel that it is right that goodness forsakes the fool, and has already called all the ways of sin, evil, wickedness, and corruption, to be unworthy of eternal life. And I understand this knowing my personal responsibility, and I am appalled, dissatisfied by the cruelty I’d been subjected to, and I detest corruption and evil for it. However, because I have suffered from it, my abhorrence for them is true, and I know that I am justified.

An honorable person knows he should never suffer anyone who challenges him, but this is difficult when it gets overwhelming. This is why it is better to give favor to those who are perfect and innocent. I suppose if I’d told people this message when I was younger, then they may have more readily accepted my ideas. Since they have seen it as more suitable to disobey the laws of righteousness, I will allow them to reach for their reward,... or if they should deserve it, then let them receive their consequence. No longer will I reach out from upon a limb to help others.

So that the term is not confused, I’ll speak so as to clarify myself. I desire to withdraw from the influences of corruption. I need a private life in order to have contentment. There should not be a definite predetermined decision that results in a condemning course of action, but there should be an open path of freedom to allow for myself to make my own choices. Although, to be free from evil is impossible, because of my offenses, being that they are excessive, won’t grant me an easy path, but it may still be possible to flourish in certain aspects. However, I detest vileness, and believe that even enjoying the spectating of evil deeds results in guilt.

Anger reflects the consequence of bad decisions, for whosoever was human that rushes out to do violence is at fault for wrongdoing. It is better for one’s heart to have peace within, that they may express according to what is acceptable. But even this is vanity.

Signed,

Benjamin Adam Altiery