This, Again

A bench in the park.

'A' is sitting on the bench with a back pack next to them.

'A' looks around.

Waiting...

After a moment 'B' enters and sits next to 'A.'

B: Sorry I’m late.

A: Old habits are hard to break I guess.

'A' gives 'B' a quick smile.

Pause.

B: We should probably just get this over with then. Like a band aid.

A: You really don’t want to talk about anything.

B: What do you want me to say?

A: Whatever you want to say

B: Okay... Well... I don’t know.

A: Jesus Christ.

B: What’s wrong with that?

A: I just—I don’t get you! Do you feel like you should say sorry to me?

B: I’m sorry!

A: No! I’m not asking you to give me an apology.

B: I don’t know what you want from me then.

A: I don’t want anything from you. I just feel so lost in this whole mess.

B: Well I hope you find yourself then.

A: Why do you have to get like this, can you just talk to me? Just listen and try. I don’t want to fight with you. There isn’t even anything to fight about.

B: What is it you want from me exactly then? Nothing I can say is going to make either of us happy, so why bother? Why not just give me the bag and walk away?

A: Is that what you really want?

B: Yes. I want nothing more. I just want this to be over with so I can move on.

A: Well wouldn’t that be convenient. Here. Have a nice life.

'A' hands 'B' the backpack, and begins to leave.

'A' stops and turns around .

A: After all the years we’ve spent together—this is really what you want? It’s that bad?

B: No it isn’t bad at all! You honestly think that this is what I want?

A: I have been so confused with you these last few weeks, I don’t even know which way is up, okay? If I’m being honest, I’m just trying to understand what’s even happening. I mean I know what’s happening. I know what I’m doing, but it doesn’t feel like I’m doing it. I’m somewhere else, and I just want to be back in my body. I want to be here.

B: So what do you want to do?

A: I really want to sit and talk.

B: Fine

'A' sits back down on the bench with 'B.'

A: Where have you been?

B: With a friend.

A: Who?

B: Stephen.

A: Why didn’t you just call me? You could’ve come home.

B: I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to see you. I didn’t want to talk about it, I knew what was gonna happen.

A: No you didn’t! You didn’t come home and talk to me, so you don’t know what was going to happen. Why didn’t you just come and talk to me?

B: Because I didn’t want to carry the disappointment, or the anger, or the sadness, or whatever it was you were going to put on me! I was already so angry at myself...

A: I would’ve have just—listened.

B: I don’t think you would’ve. I think you would’ve freaked out.

A: I mean yeah, I might have been upset at first, but do you have any idea how awful this has been? I have been so scared.

B: I mean, I called to let you know I was fine.

A: You left me a voicemail practically saying hey I’m barely still alive.

B: I know.

A: I mean seriously do you want to listen to it? Do you want to hear yourself? You sounded... terrifying—I don’t know. I can’t even put it into words. I could barely understand what you were saying.

B: I know.

A: I don’t think you do! And you’ve been at Steve’s?

B: See, this is what I’m talking about. I don’t want to talk about this. Somehow we always make our way to you, you, you.

A: Yeah, cause I’m the only one who ever talks. You don’t ever have anything to say. So, feel free to chime in whenever.

B: I’ve been clean for a whole year.

A: No—you were clean for a whole year.

B: Fuck you! Do you have any idea what I fucking feel like? Do you? I don’t mean to offend you, but I haven’t even thought about how disappointed you would be in me, because I’m trying to swallow the pill that is my own fucking disappointment. But believe me, once I’m good and done with that, I’ll make sure to come to you too, so you can get a good swing in. I wouldn’t want you to feel left out.

A: That is so unfair. I can’t just keep feeling sorry for you every time you fuck your own life up, okay? I can’t just tell you its going to be okay.

B: Yes you can!

A: No, I can’t. I’m not going to lie to you. If you keep doing this, everything will not be okay. I can’t just shut off my feelings, because they make you feel like shit. There are consequences for everything we do. Good or bad.

B: And I’m already dealing with the consequences. I don’t need you to make more of them.

A: You haven’t dealt with any of them. Are you kidding me? You’ve been hiding from them at fucking Stephen’s. And you know what, that’s what I’m actually upset about by the way.

B: Oh give me a break!

A: No seriously! The fact that you would go back to that fuck wit after everything he’s put you through instead of coming to me and just coming home.

B: You would’ve sent me somewhere, I’m not doing that anymore.

A: Listen, you did what you did and I had nothing to do with it.

B: See what I mean you’re so angry, at everything, all the time. I don’t know what you’re angry at, and you can say it’s me, but I think that’s just convenient.

A: Do not make this about me.

B: Well you’ve made it about you! Why did I go to Stephen’s? Why would I go back to that asshole? Because that asshole at least makes me feel like he cares, okay?

A: I don’t care about you?

B: You care about yourself.

A: Are you kidding me? You really are un-fucking-believable. Take your fucking bag, and don’t come home, move in with Stephen if he cares about you so fucking much.

B: That’s the fucking plan.

A: Well I’m sure that will be great. I’ll make sure to keep an eye out for your obituary.

B: There’s consequences for everything, right?

A: And what does that mean?

B: Well who says things like that? I’ll keep an eye out?

A: Me! I do, I guess.

B: You’re so vicious with me, and I all need is some compassion.

A: I am not vicious. And compassion isn’t always nice. It isn’t nice when it comes from some scumbag that feeds you poison that’s gonna kill you one day. It isn’t nice when that scumbag lets you move in just to fuck you till he’s done with you. And it definitely isn’t nice when the people who really love you tell you what you need to hear instead of just saying what you want to hear all the time.

B: Is that you? Are you one of the people who really loves me?

A: Yes! I think so at least. You can think whatever you want though.

B: Well I think that’s probably true...

A: Then just come home. We were doing so good. I mean—you—you were doing so good.

B: As much as I want to come home, I think I need to stay away from you. At least for a little bit. I love you, I really really do, and I know that this is painful, period, for both of us, but I just need to see this through. You know? Cause right now I don’t wanna be home, I don’t wanna be sober, I don’t want to be here.

A: Then take your things and do whatever it is you want to do. I won’t stop you. I won’t say anything. I won’t judge you. I’ll just be here, okay? We don’t have to talk.

B: Thanks.

They sit in silence together for a moment.

Then...

B: I know you probably don’t really understand what I’m thinking. I mean I don’t even really know what I’m thinking right now, but um I know that this is probably the most honest I’ve been with you in—well—ever.

A: Okay. Thank you, I appreciate that.

B: Yeah sure. Um... and I do want to tell you that I didn’t come home because I don’t want to keep bringing you my shit show, you know? Like what you said about the consequences thing. I understand all that, and I don’t want to lose having you in my life as a consequence of my actions. I’m sorry. It wasn’t personal. It was just me. You know?

A: I do, and I’m sorry. Okay? I don’t want you to feel like I’m not gonna be here for you, or that I’m gonna like ship you off somewhere. I wanna be here for you. I wanna see you win.

B: Thanks and thank you for bringing me my things. I know you didn’t have to do that.

A: For sure.

B: Okay... Uh... Well I think I better get going.

A: Yeah—sure—um call me if you need anything? Okay? Like at all.

B: I will. And I’ll let you know when I’m coming back, alright?

A: Yeah.

B: Like one week.

A: Yeah, sure, one week. You know where to find me.

B: I do.

A: Awesome... Well bye. Tell Stephen I say hi... I guess

B: I will. Bye, and thanks again. I love you.

A: I love you.

'B' exits and leaves 'A' alone on the bench.

Lights out.

End of play.