Things That Were Said

Thinking, for me, is both a blessing and a curse.

Thinking can help me to unravel a problem, find a solution, make plans.

Thinking can trap me in a cycle of negative self-talk.

But it can also help me to figure out things from my past.

I've realized that many of the unhealthy thoughts and perceptions that I've been fighting against were because of things that were said to me.

Most of these things I don't believe were said from a place of hurt. But as I've said, words mean things.

I once had my body called "weird," and have had to work hard to overcome the spiral of working out, dieting, failing, and being depressed about a lack of results. I was interested to find that many of my girlfriends had had similar experiences. Someone close to them made a comment, often off-handedly, that would affect their body image for years.

I’m only now getting to the point where I recognize that pattern of thinking, and I’m learning to break that pattern. Doesn't mean it was easy, though.

Someone else told me that I didn’t know how to dress myself, and I needed their guidance before buying anything. It started a cycle of needing validation before I bought anything. I've only within the past few years started buying things because I like them, not because they're on trend and someone said that I should wear them.

Once I was given an original design to sew (after I'd learned the basics at my on-campus job in the costume shop), and was constantly told that it should be easy for me whenever I was struggling. Mind you, this was a design created by this friend, not an official, printed pattern, which made the project that much harder. That type of thinking is something that I still struggle with, to the point that when things that I deem "simple" are hard for me, I beat myself up over it.

For example, I discovered that I can't do a correct squat during workouts. Instead of just accepting that it is something I need to work on, or that my knees - which have given me trouble for years - may have been a factor, I became increasingly frustrated with myself for not being able to do squats without losing balance, leaning too far forward, or just plain falling over.

Someone told me that I needed someone to take care of me because I couldn’t take care of finances or planning on my own.

That same person wanted to meet my boyfriend because even though my Dad had already met and liked him, this person said that “they knew me better than anyone, even my family.”

Looking back, I realize that there is so much that I put up with that I shouldn’t have. When you are younger, you accept some things that the older and more experienced version of you wouldn’t put up with.

But more importantly, I realize that I have to put in the work to overcome those words.

I journaled first, identifying harmful thoughts and tracing back to where they’d come from. Then I started thinking about positive thoughts to counteract the negative thoughts.

I won’t pretend that I’ve overcome all of these thoughts. My frustration at the gym is proof of that.

Another way that I’ve been working through this has been through my writing.

The lead character in my novel Awakening, Adanya, struggles with her self-worth as well. Her mentor and mother figure knew how powerful she was, so she gaslit her and spoke depreciating words to make her doubt herself so that she wouldn’t even try and improve herself.

Even though she makes progress during her journey in the novel, she knows that there will have to be continued work on her part to keep from lapsing back into her self-deprecating thoughts.

It’s a reminder for me that I have to continually do the work to change my thinking. Though positive affirmations help, I sometimes have to be reminded to check my thoughts.

If you get anything from this post, I hope that it is this; be careful what you say to people, especially the people you love. You never know what a long-lasting impact that your words can have.