Failures

I’ve mentioned before that I’m a perfectionist. And that I’m working hard to overcome those tendencies.

But this past week, they almost got me again.

I spent every night after I got home from work at my sewing machine. I was so proud of myself! My stitches were straight, my seams aligned. I got the zipper and sleeves on in one go. Hanging on the dress form, it looked like a dress.

Before I started hemming it, I decided to try it on and make some adjustments.

It barely fit.

I didn’t panic, knowing that I could let out some of the side seams to give myself room. It didn’t have to be perfect, just enough to last one day at school. It was about 6pm the night before character day, which gave me time to alter, hem, and cut/iron on my planets.

I wriggled out of it, taking out some seams and trying to loosen it up. After stitching, I tried to put it back on and heard a disconcerting rip of stitches - the neck panel had pulled. It’s okay, that’s an easy fix.

But then I realized that loosening the seam hadn’t done much, and I still wasn't able to zip it. There was also a weird gathering of fabric at my back, and the front seams were crushing my chest.

I decided then that it was a lost cause, at least where Thursday was concerned. I left it on so that my boyfriend could see it when I returned to the store, and mentally tried to place the planets on the backup dress that I’d thankfully bought the day before.

But instead of focusing on my next steps, I was thinking about how things had gone wrong, how much time I’d spent on the dress that I now wasn’t able to wear. The money I’d spent on it wasn’t really an issue; it was the time. I’d been so confident that I could do it. And I was extremely disappointed.

When my boyfriend returned some twenty minutes later, I was still laying across the bed. I had to get a pep talk from him to even get up and show him the dress. Both he and his son offered suggestions for fixing it, but there wasn’t time.

I finally got up, took the dress off (with help), and went to cut out the planets with my Cricut. But because I was already frustrated, I kept running into more problems.

I couldn’t figure out the settings to cut the vinyl. I was convinced that it should work just like cutting out patterns from card stock. I tried and tried to recut it, but it just didn’t seem to be working.

Then my boyfriend came over and figured it out within a few minutes.

It was then that I remembered something that I should have thought about at 6pm; when I get frustrated or fail at something, especially when I feel like it should have been easy for me, it becomes a lot harder for me to think rationally.

If I didn’t need the costume for the next day, I would have stopped. As it was, it took me until almost 12:30 to finish cutting and ironing on all of the planets.

I looked my boyfriend in the eye and told him “don’t ever let me do something like this again."

In hindsight, I shouldn’t have tried a project like this, especially when I hadn’t sewn in awhile, with such a short timetable. I know the standard of perfection that I have for myself, and I should have known that I wouldn’t meet that standard.

As harsh as it sounds, I failed.

I’ve realized over time that I need to be more realistic in the goals that I set for myself. Yet time and time again, I keep shooting for end goals that are too high and get depressed when I can’t reach them.

The backup dress ended up working fine, and most people were able to figure out what character I was supposed to be. But I was still disappointed.

It’s a good reminder to myself to temper my ambitions. Not destroy them, but set them to a place where I can actually reach.

It's wild to think that there are some areas in my life where I set expectations for myself much lower than they should be, but other things too high. I'm sure it's tied to the things that I care more about. I'll aim much higher for things concerning my writing and creativity than how hard I push myself at the gym.

That failure to complete the dress reminded me that I have to be mindful of where I set my expectations. I can do a lot of things, but I have to give myself realistic timeframes in which to complete them. That way, I won't feel like a failure when what I want doesn't happen.

It was a timely reminder as I'm ramping up to getting my book published. I'm proud of how far it's come, and I know that I need to be patient in order for me to get my best work out there.

Because over all, I know I'm not a failure.